Cloudy Sunset (a haiku selection)

A/N: I wrote almost 50 haiku/haikus/haiki during my trip to Thailand, and these are some of my favourites. As you can probably see, a lot of them are strongly inspired by the surroundings. And, eh, I punctuated with intuition.

*

tidal waves bring in
all the shells unknown to me
I reach after them.

*

The small ice-cream man
teaches us to say "thank you"
in his own language.

*

in this location
each blink of an eye is
worth captivating

*

if there is heaven
this is what the gateway there
probably looks like

*

cascades start singing
after she has told her son
a bedtime story

*

the waitress gives me
a napkin that smells like heat
and lemongrass tea

*

only here you can
close your eyes without thoughts and
almost hear the stars

*

Geckos are playing
tag on the wall while I comb
through my still damp hair.

*

This time every year
they send fire in the air
for golden memories.

*

only the stars are
watching me when I sit down
on the beach and write

*

You may think I should
not be counting days to my
return in the snow.

*

for once I have change,
but the troubadour isn't on
this side of the wall.

*

Fishermen take us
to a bay of pink dolphins
I spot a few fins.

*

A Buddhist temple
lies on an empty island
Who goes to pray there?

*

daydreams by the sea
in the air a promise of
a cloudy sunset

*

on a busy street
I am blindfolded by my
sense of perception

*

With our sandy feet
we run past the moon river.
The night sighs with me.

*

a young hawk drops by
birds from nearby join forces
to chase him away

*

I'm a tornado
approaching my safe haven
go and brace yourself

*

a light breeze strokes us
the neighbour's banana tree
reaches for this side

*

it's too hot today
and still, somewhere not too far
new babies are born

*

merciful Asia
in the distance someone is
playing the pan flute

*

tidal waves bring in
all the shells unknown to me
I reach after them.

I'd put a semi-colon at the end of the second line.
(I like the third haiku )

in this location
each blink of an eye is
worth captivating

Eh, that last line is funky. Captivating? Wrong word to use there. Its your haiku, so I'll leave you to change it if/how you want.

And everything after that is very good. I only see some punctuation stuff that may or may not be fixed, but I actually think you should leave those the way they are. I love a lot of those, especially the later ones. Good job! The haiku is one of my favorite types of poetry.

~Peanut

Demistor! I hope you haven't forgotten about a certain show on tonight/tomorrow morning. Anyway, la critique.

Well, I like how you sort of got bored with punctuation towards the end, heh. Though I don't personally think it's always/ever necessary. I love "the waitress gives me" (though I am confused as to how one can smell heat or have heat tea) and "cascades start singing"; also, "Geckos are playing". In fact, read together, you create a truly beautiful image of Thailand, and so many aspects that really define the culture.

Read individually, however, some are quite weak - partly due to a lack of punctuation, though I think the problem is more based around the fact that they become too narrative, or for my taste at least. One of the reasons that haiku are so great is because they need to say a lot in a little without being vague. But in particular, the haiku "if there is heaven" falls into the trap of hoping a reader already understands and is familiar with the beautiful surroundings around you, because it's just one image, one description. Let me explain - try and make two images, and in my opinion one should show a different perception of another. If that makes sense. I think it should because you're already doing that in most poems - like "A Buddhist temple", where you describe the temple and then question its existence.

Of course, in the "if there is heaven" haiku what you're describing can't be summarised in a line but perhaps a little taster or a one-line teaser would be useful, so that the reader can make up their own mind from the piece of the puzzle that you provide for them. Which is where the punctuation comes in, with the whole -- or , or . or ! or ? thing. Eh, I'm rambling.

One more thing to say - since most of these haiku are narrative, working best together and describing the place, you could probably do with putting a bit more rhyme in, so a good way to tie it all together - but don't feel you have to, because a lot of these work very well.

Anyway, err. xD If some of that made next to no sense, PM me. I want to think I'm being helpful in some way. So! Overall, lovely haiku. You have a remarkable talent for these things. =] I almost want to go to Thailand now, haha.

Tesch,
Blinky

Hi Demi!

Wow. These are really good. I read through about the first half and skimmed the rest, and I am amazed at the talent in these haiku. My favorite would have to be the first one, I think. Sorry that I don't have a real critique here, but you've got fantastic word choice, and nice, sharp imagery. One thing I would nitpick would be your line breaks between your second and third lines. You've positioned them in the middle of the sentence, and it just seems kind of awkward. I understand you've got a syllable limit with haiku, so maybe try to have a separate sentence or phrase on each line rather then just trying to combine the two?

Otherwise, you've got a talent. Keep writing!

-Elinor

im impressed - i love Haiku
i dont use it much because i am long winded but you do it really well. Thailand sounds amazing, this is really neat work

Demeter,

I really like this selection of haikus. I don't usually read haikus but this is great. You have a skill with description that isn't conventional and it definitely helps to paint a picture in the reader's head. I am no haiku expert (nor a poetry expert for that matter) but your words helped me visualize being in Thailand (even though I have never been there) and that, to me, is significant in writing. In my opinion, this piece is successful.

Much Love,

Chris

Wow! That's alot of haiku's! And they all are really great! some are about nature, and also alot are about people and actions of people. I think that is pretty cool! and, one thing I noticed:

This time every year
they send fire in the air
for golden memories.

The third line has 6 syllables. Everything else about it is AWESOME!
Keep up the Haiku-ing!

~KAT

Demeter wrote:A/N: I wrote almost 50 haiku/haikus/haiki during my trip to Thailand, and these are some of my favourites. As you can probably see, a lot of them are strongly inspired by the surroundings. And, eh, I punctuated with intuition.

"Haiku" is plural and singular.

*

tidal waves bring in
all the shells unknown to me Break the line? You could use a "-".
I reach after them.

*

The small ice-cream man
teaches us to say "thank you" I like this image.
in his own language.

*

in this location
each blink of an eye is
worth captivating

*

if there is heaven
this is what the gateway there
probably looks like

*

cascades start singing
after she has told her son Do you know someone named Cascades?
a bedtime story

*

the waitress gives me
a napkin that smells like heat
and lemongrass tea

"Heat": That's an interesting description of the odor. It is interesting and thought provoking but at the same time doesn't feel like it was used with that intention.

*

only here you can
close your eyes without thoughts and
almost hear the stars

*

Geckos are playing
tag on the wall while I comb
through my still damp hair.

*

This time every year
they send fire in the air
for golden memories.

*

only the stars are
watching me when I sit down
on the beach and write

*

You may think I should
not be counting days to my
return in the snow.

*

for once I have change,
but the troubadour isn't on
this side of the wall.

Interesting, are you saying that your poetry is getting worse? With the poet not being, "on this side".

*

Fishermen take us
to a bay of pink dolphins Break the line?
I spot a few fins.

*

A Buddhist temple
lies on an empty island Break the line?
Who goes to pray there? I like the question.

*

daydreams by the sea Maybe add a break at the end of this line.
in the air a promise of
a cloudy sunset

*

on a busy street
I am blindfolded by my
sense of perception

I love how you described our senses as blindfolds. Very clever!

*

With our sandy feet
we run past the moon river.
The night sighs with me. Pretty personification.

*

a young hawk drops by Break the line?
birds from nearby join forces
to chase him away

*

I'm a tornado
approaching my safe haven Break the line?
go and brace yourself

*

a light breeze strokes us Break the line?
the neighbour's banana tree
reaches for this side

*

it's too hot today
and still, somewhere not too far
new babies are born

*

merciful Asia Break the line?
in the distance someone is
playing the pan flute

*

Great job, I love reading Haiku and especially all of the different and modern styles! You captured very beautiful and interesting ephemeral moments and I can't wait for the next collection.

P.S. Please excuse my repetitive advice to break your lines. You don't need to break them, but definitely add more punctuation to your Haiku, it will make them much more enjoyable. Example: your question mark. But it can be commas, exclamation marks, colons, etc.