Some Old Haiku's

I wrote these over two years ago in 6th grade, so don't be afraid to tear them apart.

~~~~~~~~~~
A summer twister
Crushing an evenings silence
Everything is dead.
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The joys of winter (or "I love winter time." Which one fits better?)
Sipping cocoa by the fire
Reading a book, peace
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Daffodils swaying
In the breeze without much care
Drought comes, all is lost.
~~~~~~~~~~
Arctic winds howling
White bears dying left and right
Dumb global warming.
~~~~~~~~~~
Three lines of season
Spring, Summer, Winter, Autumn
I wrote a haiku.
~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. I know the last two suck beyond words (especially that last one. What was I thinking!?!?)

EDIT: The reason I wrote "three lines of season" is because my old 6th grade teacher told me that haiku's usual describe a season, and I was quoting her exactly by saying that. Oh, and I mainly wrote the last two with the goal of making my friends laugh, and it worked.

I'm still trying to think of what to replace "with out much care" with. Any ideas?

um... that was okay i guess

Hi! These weren't that bad. They could use some work, but hey, you were in sixth grade. The second through fourth haiku were really good, and I just have a few specific comments I want to make on the first and fifth ones.

A summer twister
Crushing a evening's silence
Everything is dead.

You've got a real solid ending and beginning, but your middle line needs a bit of work. First, since 'evening' starts with a vowel, the 'a' should be 'an'. Secondly, the evening did not possess silence, and it's not really correct to even have an s after. So, I'd just say, evening. If you followed that, it should read, "Crushing an evening silence."

Three lines of season
Spring, Summer, Winter, Autumn
I wrote a haiku.

This was my least favorite of your haiku. For your third line, I'm sure you can find something a lot better. It's completely unrelated to the first two lines, which talk about seasons. Secondly, what is the meaning of your first line. If "three lines" refers to a haiku, what is "of season" supposed to mean? Maybe, "of the season" would be better?

Anyway, nice work! PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor

Hi Tori! I love haiku, so I was glad to notice this thread.

A summer twister
Crushing a evening's silence
Everything is dead.

To me, this doesn't create a consistent image, all the lines seem too separate. I can sort of see where you're coming from, or more like where you're trying to get to, but I'm not convinced enough. Also, a tiny nitpick: "a" in the second line should be "an." Try to come up with a way to make the lines connect more. That is, if you're still working on these.

I love winter time
Sipping cocoa by the fire
Reading a book, peace

This is a sweet one, but I think it's too "simple" to have that certain haiku magic, if you will. Simple is a bad word choice, since simplicity is what makes haiku haiku, though. Maybe "generic" is more appropriate in this case. The ending is too abrupt, and I think you don't need the word "peace" in there, since you should be able to create the haiku's peaceful atmosphere with other words and the haiku itself. So, get rid of that "peace", and play with the words to make the syllable number right.

Daffodils swaying
In the breeze without much care
Drought comes, all is lost.

This one has a great image and idea and I like it. However, the execution is quite poor. With this I mean that I really like the haiku, but I don't like the haiku. And with this I mean that you did a nice job in creating the "twist", but the way you have worded it doesn't give it enough credit. So, keep the daffodils swaying, keep the drought, but reword this and don't say "without much care", it doesn't sound very good.

Arctic winds howling
White bears dying left and right
Dumb global warming

This falls closer to the category with the second haiku. I like the first line, though. This could be more discreet.

Three lines of season
Spring, Summer, Winter, Autumn
I wrote a haiku.

This, as I'm sure you know yourself, basically just gives the impression you wrote it just to have something written. I can't see an image there and I wasn't affected in any way by this haiku after reading it. There are three kinds of haiku for me: the ones after which I think "Wow", the ones after which I think "Meh", and the ones after which I think "Well, writing something is better than not writing at all." The first ones are the genuinely good ones, then there are the ones where I can see the author has really tried, but failed to give me anything, and then the ones that clearly show the author hasn't really bothered.

Haiku are difficult to master, though. Very difficult. I have tried. But I really hope you keep writing these!


Demeter
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