Part 1 of "Outsider'

"Stop!!" yelled Ostara in terror. All the tribes were after her. She was an outsider and didn't belong here with the others.
Ostara was born away from the all tribes and left by her mother and father to be raised alone with the wolves. Her mother passed away right after she was born and her father decided he could not handle a child and left her. Now she's an outsider. No one in the village knows her name, her parents, or where she comes from. She shouldn't be with tribes. But she was. She had to get food somehow!
"STEALER! STEALER! STEALER!" You could hear the tribes shouting as they chased after Ostara with their torches and bows. Ostara was getting weaker and weaker every second. She hadn't eaten in days and she was in a terrible state. The forest seemed to be getting darker and she felt as if was being enveloped by the darkness. Everything around her was frightening. She didn't know where to go or where to hide. She saw a large intimidating oak tree and decided it was her only choice. It was either that, or get killed. She let out an eir piercing howl as she called for her wolf family to come save her. She peeked around the sides of the trees looking to see if anyone was coming. She realized it was too late when she felt a pair of strong hands pick her up and begin to carry her away. The hands set her down on something that felt soft, yet strange. She had no idea where she was when she heard a voice. "You could've died out there! What were you thinking to have stolen food?!". Ostara peeped open her eyes to see a beautiful face in front of her. It was a boy. He had seductive brown eyes that almost made her faint everytime she looked directly into them, beautiful honey beige skin, and dark brown hair that glimmered in the sunlight. It seemed to her like he had no flaws.
"I...I...I was hungry." Ostara answered quickly.
"That doesn't mean you should steal food! They would have killed you if it wasn't for me!" the boy shouted back in anger.
"Sorry, I...I'm sorry." Ostara looked down at the ground as if she was ashamed at what she had done.
"It's okay. We can still be friends. My name is Ateyo. I'm an outsider also. What's your name?"
"Umm...I'm Ostara."
"Great to meet you Ostara! You are beautiful by the way." Ateyo kissed her hand.Ostara was dark toned with blue eyes and long auburn hair. She had high cheekbones and a cute little nose. All together, she was a very beautiful young girl.
"How did you find me, Ateyo? How did you get me and escape them?" Ostara asked in a concerned voice. She was gazing around, wondering where they were at.
"The tribes know to stay away from me. I'm not as good of a kid as I may seem." Ateyo answered, looking down, ashamed.
"What did you do? Did you kill someone?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Ateyo got up and walked away. He sat on a log and buried his face in his knees. Ostara got up instantly to come comfort him.
"You know that I won't tell anyone, Ateyo. I don't even know anybody! Except for you now. So you can tell me." She assured, looking over at Ateyo in concern. She didn't know what was so wrong. He seemed like a prettty good kid to her. She had no idea what he could have done to be so ashamed of himself. She didn't want to pressure him into telling her.
"I know, I know. It's just that...I don't want you to get a bad first impression of me. I'm not necassarily a bad person. I'm just not that much of a good person either." Ateyo explained.
"I have done bad things too, Ateyo. I will understand."
"Like steal food? Haha." Ateyo giggled, looking at Ostara to make sure he didn't make her upset.
"That was a one time thing, okay?" Ostara looked a little angry as she dug her elbow into Ateyo's ribs playfully.
"Hey don't be rude!" Ateyo shouted, shoving her with a grin on his face.
"Don't push a girl!"
"Don't yell at a boy!"
"Sorry. I overreact sometimes!"
"We all do!" Ateyo grinned at Ostara and thought about whether or not he should tell her what he did. He knew he could trust her. She was an outsider her just like him. She would never tell anyone. He just didn't know if he could trust himself anymore.
"You can tell me, Ateyo. Please." Ostara begged, as if she was reading Ateyo's thoughts.
"Well," Ateyo started, "A few years ago. The tribes did something that made me angry. They killed a sacred animal. The wolf."
Ostara gasped as if she had just been insulted. "The wolves are my kind!" She shouted in surprise, "I grew up with wolves! They are my family!"
"So I've heard." Ateyo commented, looking proud.
"Who told you!?" Ostara was really paying attention now. No one even knew who she was! How could anyone tell Ateyo about her life growing up? She was definitely interested in what Ateyo had to say now.
"Your father."
"You knew my father!? I didn't even know my father!"
"Yes I know your father...I know a lot about him"
"How do you know him!? Where is he!? Tell me about him!"




What do you think of this story so far??

lddorker2 wrote:"Stop!!" yelled Ostara in terror. All the tribes were after her. She was an outsider and didn't belong here with the others.

A general pet peeve of mine is when people start things off with dialogue. You want the opening line of your story to be grabbing and make people want to at least read to the end of the page. It's hard to do this when you start with dialogue.
Also, this line leaves a lot of questions right of the bat. Who are these tribes? Why are they after her? Why is she an outsider? In a lot of cases leaving lots of questions is good because it makes the reader want to read on. For me, I don't like having to ask a lot of questions right of the bat. Even though I know they'll be answered eventually, it frustrates me to start off confused.
Mm-kay, moving on.

lddorker2 wrote: Ostara was born away from the all tribes and left by her mother and father to be raised alone with the wolves.

Who are these tribes? "The wolves" makes it seem like they are really important and we should already know something about them. (Does that make sense? ) This just sounds strange to me.

lddorker2 wrote:She shouldn't be with tribes. But she was. She had to get food somehow!

I'm a big fan of choppy sentences at times because it really gives a strong voice. But here, I think 'but she was' should be combined with the previous sentence.
I don't know if I'm a fan of the exclamation mark at the end of the second sentence...

lddorker2 wrote: "STEALER! STEALER! STEALER!" You could hear the tribes shouting (The tribes shouted) as they chased after Ostara with their torches and bows.

lddorker2 wrote:she felt as if ((she)) was being enveloped by the darkness.

lddorker2 wrote:She let out an eir ((ear)) piercing howl as she called for her wolf family to come save her.

lddorker2 wrote:She realized it was too late when she felt a pair of strong hands pick her up and begin to carry her away.

I don't like how this flows. Maybe try changing the order around. Something like, 'She felt a pair of strong hands pick her up and carry her away. It was too late.'

lddorker2 wrote: She had no idea where she was when she heard a voice.

Couldn't she see where this person was carrying her? Or who was carrying her? If you suddenly got grabbed wouldn't you be thrashing around trying to see who it was and what was going on?

lddorker2 wrote:He had seductive brown eyes that almost made her faint everytime ((every time)) she looked directly into them, beautiful honey beige skin, and dark brown hair that glimmered in the sunlight. It seemed to her like he had no flaws.

*sigh*
Why does this sound like Bella describing Edward?
Everyone has flaws.

lddorker2 wrote: "It's okay. We can still be friends. My name is Ateyo. I'm an outsider also. What's your name?"
"Umm...I'm Ostara."

I must say I absolutely adore these names.

lddorker2 wrote: "The tribes know to stay away from me. I'm not as good of a kid as I may seem." Ateyo answered, looking down, ashamed.
"What did you do? Did you kill someone?"
"I don't want to talk about it."

Maybe you've never read Twilight, I don't know, but this sounds kind of Edwardy to me.

lddorker2 wrote:He seemed like a prettty ((pretty)) good kid to her.

But she just met him....

lddorker2 wrote:I'm not necassarily ((necessarily)) a bad person. I'm just not that much of a good person either." Ateyo explained.

"I have done bad things too, Ateyo. I will understand."
"Like steal food? Haha." Ateyo giggled, looking at Ostara to make sure he didn't make her upset. [/quote]
Also sounds kind of Edward and Bella-y.

lddorker2 wrote: He knew he could trust her.

Why? He just met her.

I think you've got a good start here. This plot has the potential to be really intriguing. However, I think there are two thing that you can do that will make this a lot better really fast.
1. Spell check.
2. More detail.
I want to know everything about everyone. You may know this plot and characters like they're your best friends but we as readers don't. Tell us everything. I want to know what they think, feel, touch, everything. Make them seem like real people to your readers.
PM me if you have any questions!

-Carly

Hiya!

That's a good story outline, interesting.

I do agree with what Carlito says, the start needs to be stronger. Well, even if not much is divulged right now, maybe something, so that as a reader, we are connected to the story.

Great names. Love them.

"You know that I won't tell anyone, Ateyo. I don't even know anybody! Except for you now. So you can tell me." She assured, looking over at Ateyo in concern. She didn't know what was so wrong.

NO one says something like this just as soon as they meet someone. If she was raised with the wolf tribe (and I'm assuming that they have wolf traits) then wolves generally don't tend to socialize this way. They are super-cautious about stuff.

You could work on the description, especially her emotions and sub conscious traits of her, like twirling a strand of hair when nervous or... you get the drift. They would definitely help description.

PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers,
~Lava