I'll Wait

I am playing a game
that you made for me.
It is long and strenuous,
but there is a prize I see.

This game is of waiting,
and for you this I will do.
Long days, weeks and months -
I will see this game through.

I knew what I was doing
when I said I'd stand by for you.
As much as I want to see you now,
to both our hearts I stay true.

So hurry home to me soldier,
while I pray to the good lord above
for you to come back into my arms.
I send you all of my love.

I tihnk this was really awesome, only nit-pick?

MissSarahElizabeth wrote:This game is of waiting,and for you this I will do.

There should be a comma. You could've said I'll.

Well done, I liked this. 'Liked' this. Like, 'LIKE'.

Hey!

I really liked this. It kind of had a "Dear John" feel to it, and maybe that is just because I'm in the middle of reading that book ha ha. Still, this was very touching. I thank you for that. I loved the whole "game" metaphor. It was very relatable.

Love and all that jazz.
Herzing

Wow. I like it. It's like breathing. poetry comes very naturally to you! Bravo! Encore!





Cheez_Burger!

MissSarahElizabeth wrote:I knew what I was doing
when I said I'd stand by for you.
As much as I want to see you now,
to both our hearts I stay true.

I just want to comment on this stanza. To have such a love that you stay faithful all the time. It's the best that anyone can ask for.

Hi Sarah! I really liked this poem and I only had a few minor things that I wanted to nitpick this.

MissSarahElizabeth wrote:I am playing a game
that you made for me.

I don't like this line. You might want to replace 'a' with 'the' to be more specific. I could see a reader walking into this piece and thinking it to be an actual game of sorts. And if the narrator is talking about waiting for her soldier to come home, then the soldier wouldn't have created it for her. So, I'd rewrite this something along the lines of,

"I am playing this game,
the one you made me play."

Or something like that.

This game is of waiting

You don't need to flat out tell the reader that it is a waiting game. To make the information a little less forced, I'd take out the 'is'.

I will see this game through.

I'd make "will" italicized for added emphasis.

I would also like it if you mentioned how the narrator was related too the soldier. Is he her boyfriend, husband, or son? Because, although the feeling of love would be mutual, it would be a different kind of love-and just something nice to know. Hope that helped, and don't be afraid to PM me if you have any questions.

Hi MissSaraElizabeth,

If we take out the line breaks, we're left with this:

I am playing a game that you made for me. It is long and strenuous,but there is a prize I see. This game is of waiting, and for you this I will do. Long days, weeks and months - I will see this game through.I knew what I was doing when I said I'd stand by for you. As much as I want to see you now, to both our hearts I stay true. So hurry home to me soldier, while I pray to the good lord above for you to come back into my arms. I send you all of my love.

Anybody with five senses can see how uttery mundane and pointless this paragraph is. That's not a good sign; it shows that all you did was "write out your feelings" and add random line breaks, thinking that this is what makes a poem.

It's not. Poetry is largely dependent on imagery, because at their cores, readers are animals like any other who crave the exploitation of their sight, hearing, touch, etc. Poetry needs to get ideas across by relating them to tangible objects, surfaces, even more easily understood ideas, and show that the comparison is valid. Description provides that pathway.

Work on that first. There is more wrong with this poem, but that's the first problem. Fix it and you might actually have poetry instead of a rambling string of junk.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

So i read this... commented on it and then deleted it because I was so excited about a military post that I went to your profile. What do I find there........ my roommate. haha loves you girl, great job as always.

keep working at expressing your thoughts and emotions and your the poetic imagery you want to release will follow. Also very good rhyming the work of it led the reader's eyes into a fine written poem.

I liked it. It was really natural and flowed well. I especially like that it was a military poem. kudos!

This poem is freaking amazing! Nothing else to say!

MissSarahElizabeth wrote:I am playing a game
that you made for me.
It is long and strenuous,
but there is a prize I see.
This stanaza has a lot of thoughts, not poetry. Descriptions and no imagry or anything of the like, it's basicly a vague story for a start off.
Maybe if you had said something along the lines of, "I'm playin your game, through your memory, I drudge, yet your prize is there, looming in great disinction" Or something.

This game is of waiting,
and for you this I will do.
Long days, weeks and months -
I will see this game through.
here you're telling over showing. There are agian, no images or imagery
or anything of the sort and it makes me cry.

I knew what I was doing
when I said I'd stand by for you.
As much as I want to see you now,
to both our hearts I stay true.
Again there's no imagery or anything. I am sorry.

So hurry home to me soldier,
while I pray to the good lord above
for you to come back into my arms.
I send you all of my love.
Again, no imagery or things of the sort. YOu told over showing again.

My overall statement is that you should use more imagry and images and all that stuff.
Good luck, have fun.
Silented1.