The Dragon war Chapter 1

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The Dragon War

Chapter One: The New Dragon

It was a sunny day in the mountains near Belguim, Ukran. A teenaged male named Aeron was hunting there. He saw a deer with a crippled leg. He drew his long bow to his cheek. He released the arrow as the herd hurried into the forest. He had missed the deer.

He traveled to the area where he had made camp. It was the driest area he could find. He knew his mother was
He woke to a blazing inferno only to see a creature making the fire. A dragon he thought.

He heard footsteps as he slipped out of consciousness. He heard a distant yet very close, very familiar voice calling him, wanting him, needing him. He woke to find himself sweating and lying on a hard bed almost like wood. Then a man he knew showed through the darkness as if he were a light himself.

“Zorach what… where is it?” Aeron wondered

“Your dragon is safe.” Zorach said

“But it’s not mine.” countered Aeron

“No it only hatches for one person and it was you it chose. Now call it.

“But I don’t know how.” stated Aeron

“You can talk with your dragon only by mind”.

“Okay I’ll try but I don’t know if it’ll work”.

Aeron thought with all his might and shouted Come mighty creature of the sky come. He waited for a moment then heard a voice in his head.
You don’t need to be humble t your own dragon. It was a deep male voice.
Aeron told him his name, assuming it was a he. My name is Misery.

Aeron looked for the magnificent beast. He found him soaring in the air. Suddenly he dropped but pulled out of it in time to land. The beast looked at him with a gleam in his eye. He said to Misery, you are the finest dragon if I ever saw one. The red of his scales swirled in the sun making little star-like globes swirl.

“Hurry now the Ewenki are on their way. They’ve probably already smelled Misery.”

“The who?” questioned Aeron

“Nobody knows but I know that they are sent to hunt things Xorion dislikes.” A bloodcurdling shriek was heard from nearby as Zorach finished his sentence. The Ewenki are coming, go tell the village…”

“But I can’t leave my mom.” Aeron interrupted. Another shriek was heard even closer now.

“I’m sorry but we have no time to say goodbye. If they catch us we will continue to spiral haphazardly into despair and darkness. Do don’t interrupt me! You are the only one left who is able to stop us from going down that road. Don’t you understand you are the “Chosen One”. Now that we’re on the same page let’s go to the stable and fetch the horses.”

When they arrived at the stable Aeron was surprised to find two horses, the likes of which he had never seen before. The first was a beautiful brown stallion with a mane of golden brown. The beast shook its head and his mane looked like a sun beam from the heavens dancing in the wind. The second he thought was a myth but he had just proven it wrong. It was a black unicorn with a white horn, white mane, and most surprising, red eyes that gleamed like fire. So they were off on a journey to the land never explored or so they thought.Zorach talked about the Sudan Mountains beautiful but extreme dangers await on the cliffs. Finally, they arrived in Belgium two days after the start of their voyage pitched the horses. When they were close enough pitched the horses. Stay close something is terribly wrong I can feel it.”
They stepped into the town across a bridge that part of was burnt to crisp. In the center of the town they found a young boy. He said to them that they should turn back and never come again.
“This is ridiculous. Why can’t we pass?” questioned Zorach.
“Because of the Ewenki,” said the boy.
“We are not scared of them,” they stated in unison.
“You are fools then. You will die and I will laugh for your foolishness.”
Then, as quick as lightning, Zorach did something he’ll soon regret. He killed the little boy.
Aeron screamed at him, “Why did you do that for?!”
“He was one of them… the Ewenki! I could sense it.” retorted Zorach.
“How did you kill him? Was that magic?” asked Aeron
“Yes but the proper name for it is garna.” stated Zorach
“Okay but what is garna?” questioned Aeron
“Garna is the energy around us and how we use it. The major rule though, is that if you use too much of your energy you’ll die or pass out. I’ll tell you more after we get through this god forsaken place. And stay close there might be more merking about out there.
But then they heard the very same bloodcurdling shriek as they did at Zorach’s cabin. Abruptly it stopped as quickly as it started. Then they saw a flash of movement to their left and dodged the arrow that whizzed by them. However it stopped in midair and spun around. The creature the stood before them paralyzed as he watched the arrow fly back towards him. The arrow buried itself in the Ewenki’s ribcage. It gave another shriek as its hood fell and exposed what it hid beneath.
His face was raw with one giant black eye in the center of its forehead. Its mouth was open and on its tongue it had a small beak.
Its eye twitched but then a second Ewenki darted from the shadows and attacked with its beak like tongue. He thought to draw his sword but he just raised his hand. Instantly light filled the area around them. He felt energy drain and then collapsed. He was slipping out of consciousness. Then he felt the same feeling as before. He was needed by someone. That someone was in trouble. That someone could help him. Then he felt nothing. He could see nothing but black.
***


I'm sorry about the detail. I know it sucks and I'm to lazy to fix it. The following chapters are better. The more I matured my writing skills the better writer I became. That's funny isn't it.(I was being sarcastic) The book will be pretty long and I'm planning to make it into a series. Just keep on looking for it.

Thanks,
J.E.S.U.S (I'm not jesus! They are my initials




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Hi Jared!

All in all this story is really good so far. I like the story line and it makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

A couple of little things that I would change are that a lot of your description is very list like. Try and elaborate on somethings. This will make your story line stronger and also your characters more real.

Remember that you need to show not tell!

I can't wait for the next chapter!

-Tori




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Hm, dragons. I've always liked stories with dragons. :D

First off, you've got some nice names. Good, distinctive names. The dragon's name, Misery, certainly foreshadows something, and intrigues the reader.

You should definitely work on your punctuation. Periods, commas, etc. You could just use spellchecker or you could also get someone who knows punctuation to correct your chapters. Remember, if people can't read something, they usually won't. But don't worry--punctuation is easy to fix.

Another thing I'd say is work on developing your story to be uniquely yours. As of right now, it sounds like Eragon--the "some boy being chosen by a dragon" plot. That plot's been done a couple of times. That doesn't mean you can't use it, but you still need something in your plot to make readers remember your story and distinguish it from the many other "dragon boy" stories.

Keep up the good work! I like your story so far.




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Hey there! Finally getting to read chapter 1, so here I go...

Jarred911 wrote:He knew his mother was
He
woke to a blazing inferno only to see a creature making the fire. A dragon he thought.

You're kind of missing something there

Jarred911 wrote:Aeron thought with all his might and shouted Come mighty creature of the sky come.

This part here, you should italicize it since he's talking in his mind, either that or put quotation marks

Jarred911 wrote:You don’t need to be humble t your own dragon. It was a deep male voice.

Again, italicize it and missing an "o"

Jarred911 wrote:Aeron told him his name, assuming it was a he. My name is Misery.

Same here

Jarred911 wrote:He said to Misery, you are the finest dragon if I ever saw one.

Italicize too

Jarred911 wrote:Nobody knows but I know that they are sent to hunt things Xorion dislikes.”

You should add a comma after knows

Jarred911 wrote:Do don’t interrupt me! You are the only one left who is able to stop us from going down that road. Don’t you understand you are the “Chosen One”.

I'm not sure if you wanted to say "do not" or just "don't"

Jarred911 wrote:Zorach talked about the Sudan Mountains beautiful but extreme dangers await on the cliffs.

This doesn't really make sense, there's missing something

Jarred911 wrote:Finally, they arrived in Belgium two days after the start of their voyage pitched the horses. When they were close enough pitched the horses.

This sounds wrong too

Jarred911 wrote:Stay close something is terribly wrong I can feel it.

You forgot a quote, and I'd add a comma after close and another one after wrong (or ...)

Jarred911 wrote:His face was raw with one giant black eye in the center of its forehead.

You used it everywhere except for here

Jarred911 wrote:He thought to draw his sword but he just raised his hand. Instantly light filled the area around them. He felt energy drain and then collapsed. He was slipping out of consciousness. Then he felt the same feeling as before. He was needed by someone. That someone was in trouble. That someone could help him. Then he felt nothing. He could see nothing but black.

Okay here you're going to have to mention who He is, 'cause one minute you're talking about the thing, and then you just say him. You need to say who.

Overall, the story was good, except for one thing. You went by too fast on everything, not giving any details or anything else. Action is good, but you need to describe some of the scenery and stuff. Also, remember that characters use all five of their senses, so don't focus on only seeing, talk about the other four too.

The story base was good, I hope my comments helped :smt002
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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Like I said guys, I wrote this about a year ago. Now that I'm almost finished I've really matured. I went to writing classes and had my Accelerated writing teacher edit for me. Just look for all of it and keep it in mind.

Thanks
J. E. S. U. S. :elephant: :elephant:




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In the following chapters, I have shown more of Aeron's past. So read the third chapter.

Thanks,
J. E. S. U. S.




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Hey Jarred!

Oy, yes, the writing does seem to be a little young! But when you get ready for publication, I hope you'll revise these chapters. They seem very quick! For instance, that one kid that gets murdered? That almost seems random. And it should be a very intense scene! So when you get back to this, probably when you finish this novel and are looking for publication, definitely draw out the conflict more. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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