Haiku of Nature

In honor of the haiku challenge today, I have decided to post a collection of haiku relating to nature to go along with the one I submitted.

Look over at me,
Climbing up the maple tree;
Sweet syrup, dry leaves.


Rivers, streams and lakes,
Next to a peaceful waterfall.
Water rocks the world.


See that fire there?
Burning all to blackened chars,
It is hard to stop.

Hi,

I really love the first one. The image is very strong and "Sweet syrup, dry leaves" is a brilliant line.

I'd change "peaceful" to something more concrete and descriptive relating to the appearance of the water.


The sudden darkness of the last haiku is great, especially the ominous last line. I#d change "blackened chars" to something more vivid.

Hope this helps,

Jas

These were really nice!
The last one flowed together nicely.
The second one could have some more fluency to it.
The first one was also a good poem, the last line is really catchy and smart.
Good work!

Hi Elinor Brynn,

I am no expert on haiku, but I can tell you that these poems all have tremendously wasted potential.

Look over at me,
Climbing up the maple tree;
Sweet syrup, dry leaves.

Not much of a theme here, and yes, even a haiku must have a coherent one. So you want somebody to see you, and then you talk about the properties of a maple tree. What again are you trying to tell us? What's the point? How do the second and third lines connect at all with the first one?

Consider these questions and revise.

Rivers, streams and lakes,
Next to a peaceful waterfall.
Water rocks the world.

Again, this is too inconsistent. What good is naming different bodies of water? How is that helping the reader's understanding of... anything? What's more, the peacefulness of the waterfall constrasts sharply and unpleasantly with your description of water as "rocking" the world, implying some kind of energy or violence. None of this is connecting to anything else, and it's all bewildering.

Right now, it seems as though you're just trying to fill up syllables to fulfill the requirements for this type of poetry. Speaking of which, your second line isn't even seven syllables long; it's eight. Change that first, and then work on relating the different lines to each other thematically.

See that fire there?
Burning all to blackened chars,
It is hard to stop.

"See that fire there" is a waste of space. Obviously you want us to see that fire there; that's why you spend an entire haiku talking about it. These kinds of questions are only good when you're trying to go for a specific style - say, a small child's - and here no style is showing. You're just describing, and for that, the first line makes the entire poem suffer.

The second is descriptive and the third line is completely monotonous, almost a zombie-line, devoid of any life. I'm not sure why you've done this, but it doesn't work. Perhaps keeping the "it is hard to stop" might be useful because it does sound contemplative in its simplicity, but the second line is just strange in that it talks about "blackened chars" and burning and that's it. It's a very one-dimensional description. Even though you obviously don't have a lot of maneuvering space in a haiku, spend time parametrizing your senses and feelings, not just going for one particular plane.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I like these you use a lot of liquid sounds and i love that in Haiku, makes them flit right off the tongue. my favorite is the 2nd one, i like the line "Water rocks the world", because of the different connotations that can go along with rock, like water, it can be solid like rock, or it can be fluid like the ocean rocking back and forth. its really sweet
it didnt feel like a water poem - u used some liquid sound but u also used nasels in the 2nd line not a huge fan of that, because it breaks us the soft structure in the rest of the haiku.

in the other two - you waist a line trying to bring attention to the poem, i wouldn't do that your not doing a narrative work or an essay, and there isn't room for it. put more content in its place