Linden Chronicles

ok, this is a weird place to start, the end. this is the epilogue to the last book of three in the Linden Chronicles. Katie and Rhiannon are the same person, and Sam is Sarah's sister... Sam, Tony, and Luke are all a year older then Sarah, and Katie is Elan (human/elf hence the two names).

Sarah looked over the scene unfolding below her.

Tony and Luke walked up to Sam.
“Are you alright?” the both asked. She managed a weak smile amidst her tears. Tony put his arm around her shoulders and Luke took both her hands. The three walked over to the grove to sit and let memories surround them.

Rhiannon walked slowly over to the grove where Sam, Tony and Luke were sitting. Poor Tony, she thought, he looks so lost, confused… hurt. Sarah sighed. I hate myself for this.

The masters were gathered in a quiet circle on the other side of the grove. “A great evil has been killed”, headmaster said, “but I fear for the students.” He gestured at the dozen or so students milling around.
“Only time will heal this wound, and a scar shall remain,” Tympana whispered. The rest nodded.

Rhiannon and Tony wandered apart from the rest after a time, deep in thought.

Sarah sighed again and walked over to Tony and Katie.
“So,” Katie said, staring at Sarah, “you decided to visit one last time.” Sarah nodded solemnly, and put out her hand Tony’s. Katie shot her a look, but Sarah only smiled.
“Sarah,” he moaned, “but I thought you were-”
“Dead,” she finished for him. “Yes, I am. I have very little time now, and you must listen.” Katie and Tony nodded. “The only way to kill the shadow mage was to force him to fade-” at this Tony groaned “-impossible as it is thought to be, and yes, it took all of my power and some of Sam’s. You both know the consequences, and I can tell you, the books are right.

“Leila left to tell the elves and other elan’s what transpired that night, and to warn them. The ranwicks and owls are still loose, you must capture them, and remember, from one evil there must be another.” Sarah turned to Katie, “You know what you must do, and I advise you to do so tonight. Good luck, my friend.”

“Tony,” the name was barely audible. He put his arms around Sarah. To his surprise, and delight, he could hold her. Sarah buried her face in his shoulder, only to jerk her head up.
“Tony,” she looked into his blue eyes, “I must go now.” She lowered her eyes. Tony held her in a tight embrace.
“I love you,” he muttered in her ear.
“And I you,” she replied. “Remember this; we will see each other again.” She kissed him lightly on the lips and disappeared.

this is another part of the story (second book). Marc is Sarah and Sam's older brother.

"Sarah," Sam said, "are you sure you want to do practice this alone?"
"Yes, Sam. I'm sure," Sarah replied.
"Sar-" Tony stopped. She glared at him, head held high. "Fine," he wishpered, "play with magic that's above your head. you'll suffer the consquences. Don't say we didn't warn you." Tony spun on his heals and stormed out of the cabin.
"I guess I'll go help Tony and Luke with their 'gem's of power' research," Sam said, and walked out of the room.
"Well, Sarah," Rhiannon wispered, "I hope you know what your doing." She turned to follow the others.
"Wait, Rhi.." Sarah whimpered, "I'm scared."
"Well, that may be, but you have refused help from everyone else, and i never offered it, so I'm going to make sure these three actually get something done." She smilied to her self with that tought. "But, if you need help, just call. No one has ever been killed by their owm magic." She walked out, closing the door firmly behind her.
"She's right, you know," a voice said behind Sarah.
"Ah!" Sarah threw her hands over her mouth in an attempt to stifle her scream. "Marc, I had.. forgotten that you," she paused, 'that you were here," she finished feebly.
Marc laughed, "you really are a character, dearest of sisters. It was really so nice of you to volunteer to help me with this little... expirement I'm doing. Now, before you change your mind," he held his hands in front of him in strike position, "lets begin."


Sarah fell bleeding over the steps of her cabin.
"Now," Marc whispered, "do you promise to do as I say?" She sturggled to nod her head "yes" but her head refused to move.
"I said, ANSWER ME!" his voice now a deadly whisper. Blue fire was gatherign around his person. Not for the first time, Sarah was afraid of her brother. Slowly, he raised his hands again and shot the fire at her. No words, no movement of the hands, just pure, unadulterated power, straight at her heart.

Sarah was englufed in blue; the last thing she saw was Marc, standing over her, laughing.

I like this very much! You seem to have managed to refrain from using great clumps of description, which always makes books much easier to read. This is very dialogue-y (?) so it could work really well onstage or as a film. Of course, the extracts here might be different from the rest of the book, but still. You've characterised very well, too...

-scans through-

I've spotted a couple of typoes, a few wording bits I'd change, but nothing major that I can see, so I won't load this up with quotes and corrections. Nice work!

Finally! I can read it!
And I love it! The character work is exellent, and you don't have too much description. I spotted typos too, but I won't toture you and list each one.
I love it!

thanks, guys. But please, tourture me with things that are wrong! please? glad you like it so far

I found somethings wrong, Mesh! And it's not just that it took me this long to find that you posted something here!

Meshugenah wrote:"i hope you know what your doing." She turned toward to follow the others.
"Wait, Rhi.." Sarah whimpered, "I'm scared."

It seems a little repetitive to say "turned toward to," not to mention akward. Just plan "turned to" is fine.

Meshugenah wrote:marc laughed, "you really are a character, dearist of sisters. It was really so nice of you to volunteer to help me with this little, expirement i'm doing. Now, before you change your mind," he held his hands in front of him in strike position, "lets begin."

Instead of a comma, you should have "..." It makes us pause a bit longer, and also trails "little" into "expirement." Also, it seems grammatically incorrect to have a comma in that pause. Can't explain why, though. Try saying it outloud with a short, maybe less than a second-long, pause where the comma is. Then try it with the "..."s.

That's all the mistakes I found! I've already edited the first bit. Of course, there are still typos in there! But, you probably know that and can fix them on your own!

Thanks, Perra! I think I got most of the typos now...I agree with both the the things so said, too, and I should have more to post soon.. not sure when exactly, but soon.

Yay! Now, let us partay! *tosses confetti and starts dancing**turns around to avoid stares*(lol!)

Seriously! Can't wait to edit it!

Very nicely done. These little areas of the story cause eagerness to read the entire thing.

To the editing...

First Part

Sarah looked over the scene unfolding below her.

You might consider ‘upon’ instead of ‘over’.

“Are you alright?” the both asked.

'they'

He gestured at the dozen or so students milling around.

You might consider using 'to' or 'toward'.

Sarah nodded solemnly, and put out her hand Tony’s.

Don't quite understand this...

“The only way to kill the shadow mage was to force him to fade-”

You might consider 'will be'.

You both know the consequences, and I can tell you, the books are right.

'knew'

Second Part

"Fine," he wishpered,

'whispered'

you'll suffer the consquences.

'You'll' and 'consequences'

"I guess I'll go help Tony and Luke with their 'gem's of power' research,"

I believe it would be 'gems'.

Rhiannon wispered,

'whispered'

"I hope you know what your doing."

'you're'

and i never offered it,

'I'

She smilied to her self with that tought.

'smiled', 'herself' and 'thought'

No one has ever been killed by their owm magic."

'own'

she paused, 'that you were here,"

Quotations not an apostraphy

"you really are a character, dearest of sisters.

'You'

expirement I'm doing.

'experiment'

"lets begin."

'Let's'

Sarah fell bleeding over the steps of her cabin.

Comma between 'feel' and 'bleeding'

She sturggled to nod her head

'struggled'

"I said, ANSWER ME!" his voice now a deadly whisper.

If he is whispering, then why is there an explanation with capital letters? Gives the impression that he is more than yelling.

Blue fire was gatherign around his person.

'gathering'

Sarah was englufed in blue;

'engulfed'


Very nice work. I wish to read the actual story. Your description is quite simple so it is easy to read.

Good work.[/b]

Meshalidar wrote:

"I said, ANSWER ME!" his voice now a deadly whisper.

If he is whispering, then why is there an explanation with capital letters? Gives the impression that he is more than yelling.

Instead of capitals, you could italicize 'answer me!' It applies stress to that part with out it being shouted or seem to be shouted.

Yeah.. i'll do that later. And to think i had gotten most of the typos out of this...

Mael, it should be was with the shadow mage, this is the epilogue, so it is going to be past tense there...

Oh, there will be things that need explaining in this, (epilogue) so everything is already explained... so yeah. gah, typos.

This is very interesting. I would really like to read more of it. A few typos, but that's it really. The lack of description doesn't hinder it--it's very easy (as in enjoyable, not simple minded) to read.