The Descent (Revised)

I’m not sure if my heart can take any more suspense.
I know I am privileged to be in imperial palace of the king and enjoying a feast with ninety-nine others, including my best friend. However, I see the others. Their faces are beet red, their palms sweating. Even I can scarcely breathe.
I try to gaze around the room, try to admire the beauty. Very few faeries will ever see the inside of the hall in which I am sitting. Glistening pearl flooring; a large diamond chandelier, and tall, gold trimmed walls; it is all too beautiful. I sink back into my crystalline chair, tapping Elisabeth on her shoulder.
“I can barely consume this,” I tell her, pointing to my plate of barely-nibbled venison.
Elisabeth just shrugs, sipping her moonberry juice. “Even if we don’t get selected, we should know how privileged we were to be able to stay in the imperial palace for two weeks.” I nod, thinking back to the newspaper that announced the hundred. That was a high honor in itself, but to go one step further, to be one of the two who are chosen as knight-adepts would be the greatest thing imaginable.
Even though I would leave my family, they would visit occasionally, and I would live for the next ten years in the imperial palace, never to be impoverished again. I would be trained personally by the king in preparation become a full fledged knight. I sigh at how wondrous it would be.
But I snap back into reality. There are a hundred of us. Only two will be selected. Those were not very good chances, and there were plenty of talented faeries in this room. Suddenly the noise grows. I see that someone is coming through the hall. It is the king! I straighten up in my chair, feeling my wings flap faster than absolute. Suddenly we all grow quiet. The king, who has taken a seat in the large, throne-like chair at the table end clears his throat and speaks. Across the glass table, a girl nearly faints. Someone sitting next to her grabs her hand and helps her sit up.
“Before I announce my selection, I would just like to say a few words.” His voice is dry and cracked, I notice. “The final selection was a very difficult one. We have exactly forty-eight faeries in the knight force right now. What did I look for in numbers forty-nine and fifty? I needed two young faeries that were skilled in battle, obviously. It is a talent which you all posses. However, I also needed people who were patient, kind and brave. I needed to know I could trust them, because there is one thing that I looked for that only applies to this group.”
We grow silent. What could the king mean? Several begin chattering. Elisabeth and I exchange a look.
The king continues. “As you all know, I am childless. In the event of a childless king, one of the two knight-adepts will ascend to the throne.” He pauses to cough and then continues. “I have been told that I will be dead within the next ten years.”
The king cannot continue, for the room bursts with gossip. Even my mind is racing with confusion. Dead? The king had been ruling for the past seventy years. He seemed ageless. What was even more confusing was the ease and comfort in his voice. However, I quiet down, telling myself I will hear more information regarding this matter later on. The king continues.
“Therefore, that means that one of the two who I choose will become the future sovereign of this realm. I needed to find two people who I believed who I could safely entrust the future to. The first young faerie who I believe possesses these qualities is Dinah Duskbloom.”
I blink. Me? Chosen? This was impossible. I’m frozen with shock, and all eyes in the room turn to me. Elisabeth dabs my shoulder, reassuring me.
“Congratulations, Dinah, now get up there!” She helps me to my feet, and I move over to the king’s place, avoiding jealous stares as I glide along the floor.
I can feel my legs shaking as the king gives me a silver circlet, which will be a sign of knight-hood. There is applause, but it seems feigned.
“And now, the second young faerie is not only a powerful fighter, but is strong, brave, and a great friend to us all. Elisabeth Fallon!”
I open my mouth in surprise. Elisabeth? This was impossible. I had just been granted the highest honor in the land, and my friend would be right there beside me? I felt as though I was living inside a dream. But this was real. I knew it.
Thick, wet tears began to flow down my cheeks. Here I was, the envy of so many people, in a situation which few scarcely dream of. It was a perfect moment, and I didn't want to end.

Hi Elinor,

Quick review for you today.

I thought this was clear and fairly well-written. The tenses are a bit shaky though - you need to watch that conditional tense (would) in particular.

I'm finding it slightly counter-intuitive that the king now has fifty faerie knights, forty-eight of whom are experienced warriors, but he wants to choose his successor from the two who have absolutely no relevant experience at all. This leads me to worry that the story might be suffering from a slight bit of romanticisation. Qualities like being "patient, kind and brave", while good for PR, probably wouldn't be as useful to a future monarch as, say, leadership experience, a good grasp of economics, possibly military and tactical strength, interpersonal skills, etc. Whoever is normally in charge of the faerie knights would, I assume, have won the respect of his knights and proven himself to the faerie community, and therefore be a much better choice than a young, low-ranking soldier with zero experience.

The protagonist seems like a generic good girl. All she's done so far is sit and listen passively while a third party gives her what she wants. I feel like I might get a better sense of her as a compelling, well-rounded character if there was some conflict in the story - a source of pressure and desperation, something she had to fight for.

My suspicion is that the story might start at a later stage, when things start going horribly wrong.

Hope this helps, Elinor.

Cheers,
Karsten

Hello Elinor! (Allow me to reiterate that I am overly critical nowadays. It may stem from the fact that college is getting to me in more ways than one)

I know I am privileged to be in imperial palace of the king and enjoying a feast with ninety-nine others, including my best friend.

As one of the opening sentences, this caught me off-guard. I'm not sure that it does a fair job of introducing anything, and the wording of it is a little off-kilter for my liking, dear.

I'm convinced that if you stick "the" after "in" [in THE imperial palace], that this sentence will have a better, more substantial flow to it, and not sound as confusing.

Furthermore, "including my best friend" sounds like one of those awkward, tacked-on fragments that the comma is struggling to connect, but in reality, it really can't hold the weight, dear. I'd reword this; including your best friend what? It sounds incomplete to me, Elinor, and I think you need to fill in the gap, perhaps by breaking it off and giving it its own moment to bask in glory.

However, I see the others. Their faces are beet red, their palms sweating. Even I can scarcely breathe.

For me, this bit is a little too vague to do me any good. You do not need to postpone the more concrete figures of your story for a later part -- that is, unless you've got some fabulous execution plan underwing. Here, I think, would be an excellent place to start building, because the next sentence feels a bit dry on introducing what's going on here.

So, hypothetically, who are these others? Beet red faces and sweaty palms imply a sense of strong nervousness -- and to those who I tutor, I can never stress the importance of refraining from smaller details like sweaty palms when you're a one-person narrator that is present in the story. If you're a narrator looking down on the story, fine, third person? Perfect. But when you're another character living it, try to refrain from giving little details like sweaty palms unless you're focused on a singular person in such that you're shaking their hand or close enough to see the sweat, understand?

I try to gaze around the room, try to admire the beauty. Very few faeries will ever see the inside of the hall in which I am sitting. Glistening pearl flooring; a large diamond chandelier, and tall, gold trimmed walls; it is all too beautiful. I sink back into my crystalline chair, tapping Elisabeth on her shoulder.

Here, you need to ask yourself if your organization is substantial to the story, dearie. In your trying to appreciate the beauty of this scene, why not tie in the fact that few faeries will share this? These two ideas seem disconnected, so much so, that I would recommend dropping one idea. However, you can tie these together -- what is the narrator feeling in this seemingly strained effort to appreciate? Lamenting this? Nervous? Excitement? Nostalgia? The problem with your writing here, Elinor, is that it's way too passive. You're not giving yourself a chance to digest the emotions that you're trying to convey, and it's kind of vomited out in an incoherent, loose way, and it's like, wait! I didn't catch that.

Are the actions of sinking into the chair and tapping Elisabeth simultaneous? A lot of writers make the mistake of thinking that combining actions makes the story fluent, and hold on, now, it doesn't. It confuses in the mind of the reader, and the best thing you can do is strive for coherency and clarity.

“I can barely consume this,” I tell her, pointing to my plate of barely-nibbled venison.
Elisabeth just shrugs, sipping her moonberry juice. “Even if we don’t get selected, we should know how privileged we were to be able to stay in the imperial palace for two weeks.” I nod, thinking back to the newspaper that announced the hundred. That was a high honor in itself, but to go one step further, to be one of the two who are chosen as knight-adepts would be the greatest thing imaginable.

I am getting a sense of nervous anticipation from these two characters, and I would've liked to see a realistic elaboration of this, dear. While the narrator is too nervous to eat, or consume if you prefer, the food, her friend is seemingly eating what she can. I can't tell if her friend, Elisabeth is nervous or relaxed, and here's where I think you can expand. I think it'd be fitting if Eli is nervous and she's eating to try to calm herself, but that's a fuzzy interpretation. Remember, clarity is one of the best things you can do for your audience.

Even though I would leave my family, they would visit occasionally, and I would live for the next ten years in the imperial palace, never to be impoverished again. I would be trained personally by the king in preparation become a full fledged knight. I sigh at how wondrous it would be.

Here, elaboration would be wonderful. She's not dreamy enough! You need to factor in more substantial facts for us -- how hard did she try? What does she do? Compare the value of this to the state of her current lifestyle? This day dream would be the perfect place to include details as these.

But I snap back into reality. There are a hundred of us. Only two will be selected. Those were not very good chances, and there were plenty of talented faeries in this room. Suddenly the noise grows. I see that someone is coming through the hall. It is the king! I straighten up in my chair, feeling my wings flap faster than absolute. Suddenly we all grow quiet. The king, who has taken a seat in the large, throne-like chair at the table end clears his throat and speaks. Across the glass table, a girl nearly faints. Someone sitting next to her grabs her hand and helps her sit up.

I feel like you rush the story here. Too many details condensed into one giant paragraph, with not enough details... yeah, that sounds ironic.

What I mean, though, is that each of these ideas -- her giving herself a reality check, the kings entrance, and the girl fainting all deserve their own paragraph. Allow yourself the room to elaborate, Eli, dear, because none of this is convincing when it's all pushed together like this.

I'd recommend removing the exclamation "It is the king!"; it sounds like forced excitement, and I think that a fidgety character, or an increase in nervousness would be more believable. Basically, you need to this out this paragraph and let these sprouts grow into bigger ideas.

“Before I announce my selection, I would just like to say a few words.” His voice is dry and cracked, I notice. “The final selection was a very difficult one. We have exactly forty-eight faeries in the knight force right now. What did I look for in numbers forty-nine and fifty? I needed two young faeries that were skilled in battle, obviously. It is a talent which you all posses. However, I also needed people who were patient, kind and brave. I needed to know I could trust them, because there is one thing that I looked for that only applies to this group.”

For the formal tone that this story carries, I felt that this was rather informal for a king. I think you should concentrate on making his tone more regal, perhaps does he have a scribe trailing behind him who hands him a scroll with the speech writ on it? Or, if not that, I feel that this speech needs a bigger elaboration, more explaining -- drone it on and on like an opening ceremony speech so that the audience grows increasingly nervous and twitchy. You know what I mean.

We grow silent. What could the king mean? Several begin chattering. Elisabeth and I exchange a look.

I think this is a bit of a worthless interjecting narrative -- I'd remove it.

The king continues. “As you all know, I am childless. In the event of a childless king, one of the two knight-adepts will ascend to the throne.” He pauses to cough and then continues. “I have been told that I will be dead within the next ten years.”
The king cannot continue, for the room bursts with gossip. Even my mind is racing with confusion. Dead? The king had been ruling for the past seventy years. He seemed ageless. What was even more confusing was the ease and comfort in his voice. However, I quiet down, telling myself I will hear more information regarding this matter later on. The king continues.

A little bit of an info dump with not enough elaboration and emphasis on the king's part.

It lacks emotion, in my opinion.

I blink. Me? Chosen? This was impossible. I’m frozen with shock, and all eyes in the room turn to me. Elisabeth dabs my shoulder, reassuring me.
“Congratulations, Dinah, now get up there!” She helps me to my feet, and I move over to the king’s place, avoiding jealous stares as I glide along the floor.
I can feel my legs shaking as the king gives me a silver circlet, which will be a sign of knight-hood. There is applause, but it seems feigned.

The emotion here seems feigned.

I don't feel her surprise as genuine. From the buildup, there's not enough self doubt and insecurity to convince me that she wouldn't get the role, and honestly, I felt that she knew it was coming. I don't like your word choice -- it centers glamor on Dinah, and in this case, I think that shock would be more appropriate, dear. Instead of focusing on how people are thinking, but more emphasis on the issue at hand. The Circlet-- is it inscribed? Does the king say anything to her when she reaches him? Elaborate... and... Dinah's a girl, right?

“And now, the second young faerie is not only a powerful fighter, but is strong, brave, and a great friend to us all. Elisabeth Fallon!”
I open my mouth in surprise. Elisabeth? This was impossible. I had just been granted the highest honor in the land, and my friend would be right there beside me? I felt as though I was living inside a dream. But this was real. I knew it.
Thick, wet tears began to flow down my cheeks. Here I was, the envy of so many people, in a situation which few scarcely dream of. It was a perfect moment, and I didn't want to end.

Hereon, the emotion seems falsified. Again, it was expected that her and Elisabeth would make the cut, because of the focus that you placed on them. To improve, I would recommend putting a little more emphasis on the other fairies, because here, they're kind of generalized as a competitive body, and I think you should seek out a few more individuals that are outstanding.

Moreover, there's a lack of emotion throughout that takes away the convincingness of it. The surprise does not seem genuine, and I think you need to work on that a little.

Also! I would have appreciated a bit more backstory. You mention the traits of these fairies, and I am left wondering and questioning if there was a sort of tournament that led to this.

Keep writing! Hope that helped some, and I hope I wasn't too critical.

Best!
June

Hey there El.

Did I post a review for the original? I remember reading the original, but can't remember whether if I typed up a review on it or not.

Anyways, after reading this, I didn't think there was much difference between this and the original. A lot of the problems that I had with the original still existed here.

Please try to this first point into consideration: Your characters. No offense, but they too pretentious and naive to even be considered to be elite knights. To me, they seemed more like regular teenage girls out at the mall, listening to their Ipods, gossiping and into things like Twilight... You need to do more research as to how knights are chosen and what character traits are normally sought after in knights. To me, if I was to choose a knight, I would expect one to be mature, confident and have an insight as to how things work in their world. Your characters lack that.

My 2nd point ties in rather closely with my first point: The overall message and theme of this piece. To me, this read more like a version of a reality show like American Idol, The Bachelor etc whereas more mature themes like servitude to one's country, war and death are almost ignored. When people become knights, they aren't joining it just to feel important, but to serve their country despite the fact that they might lose their lives. If a person doesn't have that in their minds, then they are totally screwed. I am quite certain that within a few seconds of war, your characters would die in a snap of a finger. Never just think that knighthood is about rank and respect. It's not.

Thirdly, I'm wondering as to why you chose to have fairies as your species. You could of used humans for all I care. I think you need to make more use of the folklore of fairies and tie it more into the situation. Point is that for a story having fairies, you aren't really making much use of their folklore in telling a story.

And lastly, I think you could of expanded on the king himself. I mean how does he know that he's going to die? Why is he so desperate to appoint elite knights? He is easily one of the more interesting characters in this piece, but you much rather focus more on the whole reality show affair. I really do want to know more about the king himself and his motivates as that could make this piece more interesting.

Hope this helped.

Andy.