Nature of Man: Sloth

It was already late in the afternoon when Francesca went home. She had badly missed the train to her house located at the far side of the city. The buses too, at this time, were loaded with people. There was not much left but to walk to her house.
At this time, the whole streets were in a flock. People crowded the streets, each one holding a black bag by their left hand. The roads were, however, quiet. There were only a couple of cars driving.
When the crowds stopped before an intersection road, Francesca stood up in tip toes. Across the street was a sign with a little red man blinking before a vast crowd with their head covered by their large hats. Between them, however, the roads were empty. She arched a brow.
“Excuse me,” she said continuously as she moved through the thick crowds. None of them gave way for her. Her hand took hold of her purple beret, that covered most of her short cropped hair while her other hand firmly grasped her grey bag. When she was standing already before the crossing, someone tapped her shoulders.
Francesca ignored it looking sideways only to realize that there were no cars that were to pass.
“Don’t cross, dear. You might get hurt.” Someone called her from behind. It was followed by a firm grip on her left shoulder. She spun her head around, moving forward to free herself from the grasp. Behind her was a young woman wearing a thick grey cap over her head. The woman nodded to Francesca.
“You might get hurt,” she repeated with a smile before she raised her head to the street.
Ahead, the little red man switched to a small walking green man. It was followed with a melodic rhyme that ended when the song had reached its climax. Gradually, the crowds crossed the roads converging with the group opposite them. Francesca pushed her way against the crowds. She felt her body being pushed farther into the intersection. She tiptoed herself for a brief moment to witness a sea of people around her. All their eyes leaned down against the ground.
Suddenly, she was free. Almost out of place, the crowds cease to surround her. Blinking her eyes, Francesca looked back to see the people splitting into two groups. One moved to the left while the other to the right. They soon converged across her to a single mass. Almost above them, the little green man continued to blink.
She stood there, silently looking back and forth at the crowds around her. When they met her eyes, they simply stared to the opposite direction. Under their breath, they mumbled something she could not understood.
Sighing, she moved on. With one step forward, a hand grabbed the hem of her dress. She shrieked. She stepped back, with one hand planted above her chest.
“What do you want?” She exclaimed before she almost staggered to the ground. Beside her, a young boy with pale skin stared at her from the ground. Through his dry lips, he whispered something.
“Help me.”


“Francesca,” her teacher called out her name. “Been daydreaming again, eh? No wonder your grades are going down.”
Francesca shook her head from what seemed to be a day dream. She placed one hand over her face while she peered at her classmates. They classmates began to chuckle from her awakening.
“Had a good night sleep, Francesca?” He replied with his arms locked before his waist. “Why don’t I wake you up by letting you solved this equation.”
“Not really, I think I had a nightmare.” She grinned to herself as the rest of the class continued to chuckle. Slowly, she stood up stretching her arms much to the dismay of her teacher.
“I hope I’m not there.” Her teacher replied tapping his feet against the tile-covered floor.
Smirking, Francesca walked towards the board peering at her classmates behind her. Their eyes were focused towards the board even when some of them began to laugh. As she reached it, she heard a sharp echo. Arching a brow, she stood on her tip toes for a moment. Outside, she saw a boy on a wheelchair. He dragged it against the concrete road with his head bent low.
“Don’t mind him. He’s always there.” Francesca hastily turned around to where the voice came from. Behind her, her classmates were staring straight at her. Her pupils began to shake within her eyes.
At the end of the room, there came a shadow. It had an almost biomorphic form. Yet, whether it was a student or a tree’s shadow, she could not decide for the raised heads of her classmates blocked her view.
“Day dreaming again, Francesca?” said her teacher. His voice was somewhat frail as if she had run a marathon. She looked towards him.
Was she the one who said it? Francesca shook her head trying to focus on the equation before her.
X2 – 4ax + a2=0
“Nah, I’m just pretending not to know the answer.” She forced a giggle waiting for a response from her peers. Instead, there was only a cough followed by another and another and another before it ceased with a deep grunt.
She looked back only to gaze at her classmate’s eyes. The shadow was gone. It was replaced by a worn out mannequin. It’s arms rested against two large black bags. It’s head tilted to the side.
Slowly, Francesca gulped as she pressed the marker against the board. She started to write the first number, “2” when the cough appeared again. But, it was much deeper and drier than last time.
The cough seemed to echo around the room, but she felt none of her classmates complain. Not even her teacher moved one step forward from his position.
Sweat began to cover her forehead. She gripped the marker hard as she wrote, “√”. When the cough finally ceased, it was replaced by the sound of tires against the classroom floor. Francesca hurriedly looked back dropping the marker to the floor.
“Do not mind him.” Her teacher whispered. “He’s always there.”
Francesca began to tremble. She breathed hard stepping back until she felt the board by her back. Her hands began to shake as she looked behind the classroom. Behind the ducked heads of her classroom was the boy on the wheelchair.
His body leaned forward with his fringes covering most of his face. When he began to cough, his head rose up. It revealed his skeleton-shaped face, his dry lips and his wide-almost bulged- eyes staring at her. Under his breathe, he murmured, “Help me.”
Francesca shifted a grin before she fell to her knees. As the coughing continued, a warm trickle flowed from her legs staining the white tile to scarlet. Slowly, a chuckle escaped from her mouth. Her eyes widened as a loud continuous laugh escape from her lips. She held her face with her arms to try to cease the laughter. With her nails, she began to scratch the surface of her skin. Trying hard to cease her laughter, she raised her head up high. Her eyes were wide open.

“Don’t mind her. She’s always there.” She drew her head downwards only to let her nails deep within her skin. Through her laughter, she shuffled a large grin shaking her head furiously.
This cannot be happening, she tried to think. What is going on!
Before her, she faced the mass of people standing before the intersection. Their eyes and lips were rough, as if their faces were drawn by charcoal. Their ears and noses disappeared only to be replaced by a hollow.
The classroom had disappeared. Her classmates vanished without a trace. She sat there in the middle of an intersection with her hands against her face.
Where am I? She thought looking downwards to find the equation on the surface of the street.
X2 – 4ax + a2=0
Her eyes began to bulge. This can’t be happening to me!
On the front, the young woman stood with her arms grasping a small black bag. She looked at her for a moment and Francesca flinched. With the quiver of her lips, she mumbled something.
She covered her mouth with both hands trying to shuffle the laughter. She began to concentrate what the woman said, but all of it dissolved when the melodic rhyme filled the area. Soon after, the young woman lowered her head pushing her cap deeper against her forehead.
“W-wait!” she screamed to say against her laughter as they approached her. “W-What is going on?”
But no one took noticed of her. Their head we’re bent low. When their eyes met her, they shifted their gazed quickly away. When Francesca tried to mutter again, the words, “Help me” came out from her lips.
Little by little, as the masses began to surround her, Francesca took out of her hands and continued to laugh.

Hiya! So let's get on with the review, shall we?

I'll go with the flow of the story first.
1) I think that mentioning her name before or mentioning it other way would be better. You start with she, then all of a sudden you jump at us with Francesca without any introduction or round it.

2)

Her hand took hold of her purple beret#FF0000 ">, that covered most of her short cropped hair while her other hand firmly grasped her grey bag.

I think that the , would be alright here when I take a look at the length of the sentence and that it's appropriate to put , before that in some cases.

3)

“You might get hurt,” she repeated #FF0000 ">(added) with a smile before she raised her head to the street.

I think that the "added" is not needed her, it works fine with just "with".

4)

#FF0000 ">Confused, Francesca looked back to see the people splitting into two groups.

Just a grammar mistake ^^

5)

They soon #FF0000 ">converged across her to a single mass.

A grammar mistake.

6) S

he stood there, silently looking back and forth #FF0000 ">at the crowds around her.

I believe "at" is more appropriate than "to" when it's associated to verb "look".

7)

“What do you want?” She exclaimed before she almost #FF0000 ">staggered to the ground.

A grammar mistake.

I guess I understand that this is the moment when Francesca is having a "vision" or so to speak. Although,

“Francesca,” her teacher called out my name.

“ is strange... her teacher called out "my" name? Should be "her" name, no?

9) #FF0000 ">“Had a good night sleep, Francesca?” she replied with her arms locked before her waist.
I think that telling here that it was teacher would make it better to read. By that I mean : replied the teacher with her arms locked before her waist.

10)

Their eyes were #FF0000 ">focused towards the board even when some of them began to laugh.

A grammar mistake.

11)

Behind her, her classmates were #FF0000 ">focused straight on her.

A grammar mistake.

12)

Their pupils began to shake within their eyes.

. Don't you mean Francesca's eyes? I believe it should be "Her pupils began to shake within her eyes." in such a case.

13)

“Day dreaming again, Francesca?” #FF0000 ">said her teacher.

I believe this way it's better.

14)

But, it was much deeper and #FF0000 ">drier than last time.

A grammar mistake.

15)

The cough seemed to echo around the room#FF0000 ">, but she felt none of her classmates complain.

Not even her teacher dared to approach the person who coughed.
It's more or less a common sense to write a "," before but as long as it's not an exceptional case of a sentence, can't think of an example atm.

16)

#FF0000 ">Behind the ducked heads of her classroom was the boy #FF0000 ">on the wheelchair.

I believe it should be this way.

17)

It revealed his skeleton-#FF0000 ">shaped face,

18)

On the front, the young woman stood with #FF0000 ">her arms grasping a small bag.

A grammar mistake.

19)

She began to concentrate what the woman said#FF0000 ">, but all of it dissolved when the melodic rhyme filled the area.

20)

As the masses began to surround her, Francesca took out her hands #FF0000 ">out of ______ and continued to laugh.

I believe that telling from where she took her hands out would be good.

All in all, despite the... Well, I guess mistype mistakes and maybe the punctuation at places, this is a one hell of a mysterious story, it left me asking : What's the point? . Maybe I'm slow, but I do not fully understand what this story was truly meant to tell, but from the viewpoint of style, this is pretty much the famous "shore more than tell" and I really liked the way it's written. I'd like to ask you to tell me sometime later via PM what's the point of this story, please.

A good work nevertheless, make sure you do not stop writing, I want to see a next piece of your work soon, double checked for mistakes and posted!

Kyousuke

Hey Foxfire! So sorry I wasn't here sooner.

I have to tell you that while the idea behind the story seems fairly interesting, a lot of the time I was just plain confused. It didn't feel like you had any control over the order you used personal pronouns and proper nouns; "she", "Francesca", "the teacher" were all over the place and it got particularly difficult to read in scenes with Francesca and the teacher, who are both females and referred to as "she". Just go through the story and make sure you use these so the reader can keep reading and still know what's going on.

The ending of the story was the kind that I'm sure would have been very fascinating, but unfortunately I didn't get it. I think you might have rushed things too much and not let them develop enough. Also, I started to doubt my ability to tell the flashbacks and the present apart. The scene with Francesca in front of the blackboard (I suppose?) and the classmates behind her is confusing me greatly, which is a pity, because I couldn't get to the gore of the story because I used up my energy trying not to fall behind.

There was not much left but to walk to her house.

I think you could just have "She had no options but to walk home." or something similar.

Their pupils began to shake within their eyes.

You could find a better wording for this; it sounds a bit strange now.


Then I noticed you had some problems with your dialogue punctuation. I used to review of a lot of stories with the same problem, so instead of bothering to tell them the same things all over again, I decided to write an article so that I wouldn't have to do anything but give them a link to it. Here it is:

topic44898.html

and I think it would be good for you to read it and see if you can apply the things in your story.

All in all, I'm sure the idea you had was good. The text itself didn't bring that out for now, but I guess you'll have time to edit before the contest ends? I'm glad that the contest inspired you to write, because it seemed like fun. I hope I could help!


Demeter
x

Thank you for replying.

As well, i would like to apologized if this piece is confusing. This piece is not meant to be pure realism an i try to converge a sense of realism with that of surrealism. Which means that flashbacks in here don't act like flashback and the line to what is real, "the class" or "the street" is blurred.

So i would like to apologized if this made some confusion.

Hi Fofxire. How are you?

This story has a lot of potential, and I was interested when I began reading. However, your execution was not the best. What do I mean by this?

Well:

Francesca did this. She went home. She daydreamed. She was not paying attention.

That's kind of how you're writing is coming across to me right now. Doesn't seem very good, does it? Well, for one thing, you aren't really describing at all. For instance, describe the scene when she walks home. What are the cars like? Are some old, rusted? Clean? Is there graffiti on the buildings that surround her?

Also, you have a bit of a problem with redundancy.

"There were only a couple of cars driving" does not need to be said, considering that a quiet road would already guarantees that.

Try to works on these things and things the reviewers before me mentioned. I can see the workings of a masterpiece somewhere down in your words. Just revise, revise, and revise, and you will get there eventually. PM me if you have questions.

~Elinor