Papillion Prologue Part 1 (redo-last one I promise)

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I have posted many drafts of this story on here. But, I think I've finally found it. The perfect beginning. I hope you all like it. There's more to come.


Prologue part one

I looked outside my window, studying the storm unveiling itself. The eye-sized water droplets crashing against the glass stirred Rose, my roommate and best friend, out of her sleep. I turned on the lamp between our two beds and fell silent for a moment. Rose was shaking uncontrollably, her arms flying all over her pink-lined face. I wished I looked like her. Around her hair line, chin and jaw, and bordering her rotated almond eyes were the most subtle and miraculous pink color. I looked up into the mirror behind her and scowled at myself.
My black hair was to be admired, so sleek and shiny, with thick red highlights. I was the only one of my kind with red hair. My tan skin was average and my red bloodshot eyes scared away anyone who didn’t know me. I was only eight at the time, and I already hated myself.
Knock knock, I looked around, wondering where the sound had come from. I got out of bed, adjusted my red nightshirt, and opened the door.
What stood there amazed me. It was a boy, a Papillian boy. I had never seen one my age before. The only male I saw regularly was Rainer, my master.
“Who are you?” I asked, leaning against the door; the sight of him made my toes numb. The boy had black hair with small navy streaks, big blue eyes as dark as the Cafard Sea, and his body looked cold. His arms were lined with ice, and icicles were falling from his hair and lashes. “Oh my, you must be freezing! Here…” I took his body and enveloped it in mine. He cooled me for a second. I loved the feeling. I was always hot, one hundred degrees Fahrenheit more than the average creature, to be exact.
“You are so warm. I am never warm.” His lips went from blue to red.
“I am always warm.” I stepped away from him and smiled. Something about him intrigued me.
“Now,” he said, hugging his arms around himself. “Now I am perfect.”
He lifted his head up with a jolt and started to chuckle.
“Good. Now what are you doing here? Boys aren’t allowed here.” I put a finger to my lips and thought. “I’m sure you aren’t allowed to see me.”
His lips turned back to blue, same as the hairs on his arms. They weren’t a striking blue, more like a transparent cube of ice.
“Do you trust me?” he asked, biting his lower lip.
“What?”
He held out a stone hand. “I said: do you trust me?”
“I suppose…”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me from my bedroom. I shut the door and ran with him. Our steps were in perfect sync with each other, and they made no sound. We ran out of the female’s quarters and out into the rain.
“Where are we going?” I screamed, complete joy in my voice. It was my first time on the streets of Papillion, and it looked more beautiful than I imagined. From my window, all I could see was the tops of mile-high trees bearing multi-colored flowers. And sometimes, a butterfly, free and wild would fly by my window, leaving its usual glittery trail in the night sky.
He never answered, but continued to show me our planet, or the small increment of land we lived on. Papillon was a strange planet, and there were no countries. We liked to look at it as one world, not land or water, not territories or states. One day, Rainer told me that Papillion was made half land, half water, exactly. But, there were places where we never ventured. There was a large island, five hundred miles long, and it all belonged to the butterflies. We, Papillian’s, were created by the butterflies, or so we were told. They were our Gods, and we respected them more than we respected ourselves.
We stopped about a mile out of town. It was a long run, probably two miles, and we had run it in under ten minutes. Neither of us was out of breath, though. I had been trained since birth to be able to run, fight, and live for longer than anyone else, but that run was the longest and fastest yet.
We were at the edge of the Jeune Forest. The boy took my hand again and led me under a bush. I soon found myself in a clearing that was probably the only dry place left on the planet.
“Why are we here?” I asked, sitting, allowing my heart to calm down.
“You don’t read?” he asked, but continued to talk as if he already knew the answer. “This is the Jeune Forest.”
“I know that.”
“This is where we hatch.”
“What?” I sat up, suddenly interested.
“The hatching is a competition to see who will lead the warriors of that year,” he said then looked down at the ground. He started to dig up the rich green grass and move around the dirt with his toes. He suddenly looked up and smiled. “Do you know who I am?”
“No…” I looked away into the shadows of the forest. It was a weird night. In the distance all around the circle we were in I could see little flashing lights. “Should I?” If I wasn’t with that boy in particular, I would have been scared.
“I’m Einar.”
A sensation of tingles spread from my eyelids to my sharp toenails. Einer? My partner?
Last edited by captain.classy on Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Oooh! I really like this! The opening paragraph didn't seem too promising, but the ending definitely caught my eye. You describe the senses well and the characters were nearly breathing. ;D I can't wait to read the rest of your story, PM me if your in need of an intense critique!
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD




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Hey Classy! I'm here to review your story! :D

First off, your story is intriguing in the way that they're obviously not normal humans, and that's what kept my interest for the most part. I agree with Winie that the ending was great, and it makes me want to know more; you've definitely got a promising setup here. However, your first paragraph is all rather disjointed for me.

captain.classy wrote:I looked outside my window, studying the storm unveiling itself.


This doesn't sound right. Perhaps you could change it to something like, "watching as the storm unveiled itself." That being said, I love the "unveil" part. Unique, descriptive word that works perfectly.

The eye-sized water droplets crashing against the glass stirred Rose, my roommate and best friend, out of her sleep. I turned on the lamp between our two beds and fell silent for a moment. Rose was shaking uncontrollably, her arms flying all over her pink-lined face.


The parts in red contradict each other. "Stirred" makes me think of someone kind of moving, just starting to awaken. The second part, where she's shaking uncontrollably, made me think she was going through some kind of spasm. I also don't get what you mean by her arms flying over her face; could you explain this?

I wished I looked like her. Around her hair line, chin and jaw, and bordering her rotated almond eyes were the most subtle and miraculous pink color. I looked up into the mirror behind her and scowled at myself.


I think this should be another paragraph.

“This is where we hatch.”
“What?” I sat up, suddenly interested.
“The hatching is a competition to see who will lead the warriors of that year,” he said then looked down at the ground. He started to dig up the rich green grass and move around the dirt with his toes. He suddenly looked up and smiled. “Do you know who I am?”
“No…” I looked away into the shadows of the forest. It was a weird night. In the distance all around the circle we were in I could see little flashing lights. “Should I?” If I wasn’t with that boy in particular, I would have been scared.
“I’m Einar.”
A sensation of tingles spread from my eyelids to my sharp toenails. Einer? My partner? Which way is his name spelled?


This ending is your strongest part, definitely made me want to read more. What's this partner she's referring to? The Papillians hatch? Warriors? Very intriguing for me. :)

Well, that's it! Please let me know when you post more! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Are this and Papillion 1 tied? Because I much prefer this. Please PM me with your latest Papillions. You've got me hooked.




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Papillion 1 is one of my very bad starts. I finally found a good draft, and I'm sticking with this one. Sorry for the confusion!




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Hi Classy!

No real critique here, but just a quick note. This was a very good piece, but your weak point lies in your descriptions. Whenever a new character is introduced, you feel the need to tell us every last bit of information regarding their appearance, and it's given to us all at once. Furthermore, these descriptions stick out and disrupt the narrative flow of the story.

So, my advice? Don't give everything all at once. Break it up into sections. You can mention things like eye and hair color right off the bat, but when you add the other little details, give a reason for it to be brought up in the story. If a character is tall, don't just say that he is tall. Maybe he towers over the narrator. Or maybe the narrator just got those highlights and a new character notices them for the first time.

If you need any further help, consult books! See how your favorite authors bring about describing their characters. If you have any further questions, please don't be afraid to PM me or talk to me in chat.

-Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Interesting.
As I've said a ton, already~Use the senses. You're already pretty good at that, and your piece has the right amount of emotion. Good job.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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This is great. You definitely captured my interest at the end of this. Can't wait to read more. (:



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