-Believe- (Prologue and Chapter One part 1/4)

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Believe

Prologue

My name is Ezekiel. I have a story to tell all of you inhabitants of Earth, for you might be next to witness what my world has witnessed. Total destruction. I live in the world of Kamakase, in the the counry of Salonia. Slowly, the light from another world is consuming our world, which is shrouded in darkness, forever, or so we thought. The world powers are doing nothing to stop this. I am the leader of a group of rebels called the Dark Revolt. Our mission: Keep the light from invading. Our purpose: To save Kamakase and other worlds.


The Dream

In my dream, I am walking along my hometown’s beach by the sea of Talmone. In the distance, I see a man shrouded in a white cloak with grey trim. Looking at him hurts my eyes, which are adjusted to mostly darkness. I call to him: “Hello there! Who are you, stranger?” He turns around, and sees me. I instantly regret calling out to him, for when he sees me, he rushes at me with a giant steel axe. The blade was made of steel, and the shaft was of some white wood. I don’t know why he rushed at me with such anger, but I quickly unsheathed my sword from its scabbard. I called it Redemption, and it had served me through many fights. I did a full blade contact with the shaft, trying to break it in half. Somehow, at the force of the attack, my sword blade split right in half. The man in white looked at me with a maniacal gleam in his eye, and brought his axe down on my head.

“No!” I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over. “Hey, you alright, Zeke?” asked my best friend, Derek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Just had a bad dream.” “Well,” said Derek “If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running.” “Great.” I said. “Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today.”
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Alas, poor Yorick - wait, why the heck am I holding this skull? - Me

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Hi Aristotle!
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Your story sounds interesting. Are you going to go into more detail about the light invading? To me, it sounds like your trying make light bad and dark good. I think that's cool, because it goes against what we normally find in literature. :)
Could you please make it a little clearer on that subject, though? Also, remember a rule of writing is "show, not tell". Don't tell us what the character is doing, but show us what he is doing. Don't tell how he reacts to the situation, but show us how he does. Describe his emotions. Also, just remember that whenever a new character speaks, it's on a new paragraph. Thanks for sharing this with us, I'm excited to read more!




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Hello! I will be reviewing your piece today. :smt001

My name is Ezekiel. I have a story to tell all of you inhabitants of Earth, for you might be next to witness what my world has witnessed. Total destruction. I live in the world of Kamakase, in the the counry of Salonia. Slowly, the light from another world is consuming our world, which is shrouded in darkness, forever, or so we thought. The world powers are doing nothing to stop this. I am the leader of a group of rebels called the Dark Revolt. Our mission: Keep the light from invading. Our purpose: To save Kamakase and other worlds.

AH! INFODUMP! This is when writers write a LOT in a LITTLE space- like this prologue. All this information could be given in small doses, subtly, through out the entire story. The up side, however, is that it really grabbed me! To take it out or to not? That is the question! Hmmmm.

In the distance, I see a man shrouded in a white cloak with grey trim.

I'm pretty sure that comma shouldn't be there...XD

“No!” I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over. “Hey, you alright, Zeke?” asked my best friend, Derek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Just had a bad dream.” “Well,” said Derek “If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running.” “Great.” I said. “Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today.”

This paragraph can really confuse the reader-like me. When one person speaks it has to be a different paragraph each time, like this:

"No!" I screamed. I woke up the instant the dream was over
"Hey, you alright, Zeke?" asked my best friend, Derek.
"Yeah, Im fine," I said, "Just had a bad dream."
"Well," said Derek, "If it would help you cope, the speeder is up and running."
"Great," I said, "Tell the Revolters that we go to Galia today."

Also note that there are some punctuation errors in this paragraph. Meaning, change them! :smt003

Well, that's about it. Besides nitpicks though, this piece was rather good. Just... short. I know this is only the first quarter of the chapter, but it's only two paragraphs! Are you intending it to be a long short story? If so, erase all that! Otherwise, you really have to stretch! The key to stretching is describing, so describe! Use your senses and good luck! :smt002
winie*
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD




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Hi Aristotle! :D

I would probably get rid of the prologue... it tells the reader what to expect, but as a reader, I would rather read something with tons of action as far as an introduction goes. So definitely go for the action!

The dream thing seems really cool, but the part where he wakes up seems a bit odd. The prologue and dream sequence are written in a very formal style suitable for epics, but the dialogue is very teenage lit sounding. Not entirely bad, just a little odd!

And you should definitely edit this piece to include the rest of your chapter. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane