Beast Instinct

~ Deleted from existence ~

Hey there! I'm here to review your story today!

First off, you were definitely right with it being confusing. I'm rather lost, but also intrigued. Intrigued enough to want to read more, and that's what you want in a story. However, if the first chapter doesn't clear some stuff up, like who the MC is and who's calling him and everything, you'll probably lose readers. Generally, I give a book one to two chapters to explain what's going on and to grab my interest. If it fails to do so, then I'll discard the book.

Kyousuke wrote:A decisive night without a warning, without any scent of sorrow.
A decisive night full of sparkling stars, without a clue of what’s to come.
That’s how I’d describe that night, a devilish turning point.

This beginning is great, I personally love it. Rather poetic...

I #FF0000 ">lied This just doesn't sound right to me. But I completely suck at remembering which lay/lie version to use, so don't take my word for it. on a hill, gracefully covered in grass and flowers of an elegant feel. #FF0000 ">Mother nature sung it’s lullaby of scents and sounds, making it so easy to forget all troubles as long as night lasts.

"Mother Nature" is usually referred to as a female (the names starts with Mother, after all!).

Another thing I noticed is your dialogue. You're going to want to go through and punctuate it properly. Here's a great link about dialogue rules: topic44898.html

All right! That's it for this post! Please PM me when you post more or if you have any questions!

Hi Suke! I think this was a pretty good start. It left me asking questions about what is going to happen, which is a good thing because it makes me want to read more. But I had a little trouble reading it just because I'm persnickety.

First slap yourself.”.

Okay, you did this many times throughout this piece. You don't put a period after a quotation. Even if it is a question mark at the end of a sentence you don't put a period after. This part should be written like this: “First slap yourself.” I automatically obeyed her request....... It seems like you did that with almost every quotation you didn't end with a comma.

…Before we meet, I have a …request. My sister…

You used ellipses a lot, those are the three little periods. You can substitute a dash for them if you are going to use them a lot. Or here you could just make her speak in short sentences and make it known that she is crying or out of breath or just in a hurry. Make sure your reader knows what's going on. I think it would read better if you used shorter sentences in the actual reading and ellipses in the speech it gets tiring reading it and pausing after every sentence, it's not that easy to read.


Also toward the end when the narrator is thinking of the man, it's not really clear who he is. You might wanna make it a little more subtle if you are going to explain it later or give a little clue about what is going on. I know this is a prologue but it has to make some sense.


I hope I helped. Good luck writing this.
~peanut~

Many thanks to both of you =) I believe I've corrected the dialogue mistakes, I hope all of them. Also I've changed many of the ... to - in the dialogue, as suggested. I cut the long speech of Aria into three sentences, using... Well, let's say many dashes ^^

Well, I believe I made it confusing on a purpose to make it interesting.

Ranger Hawk : I was about to explain the major elements in first two chapters, so I guess I'll make it right into the length you take as a deciding ^^

Peanut : Well, it's not even clear to the MC himself. He sees a picture he never saw before, but he knows the voice. I believe I planned to reveal about the origin of the voice in first chapter, so it should make sense =) Prologue is short, but it has the start I needed, so I hope I'll fix all the confusing and such troubles in the first or first two chapters ^^

Many thanks again , I'll start writing next chapter tomorrow and most possibly finish it by friday.

Edited =) I think it should be a little bit less confusing now ( In more accurate meaning, it shall limit the variety of questions that appear ), also I've tried to make it more readable at dialogues and made more paragraphs ^^ About style and grammar, I think it's alright now.