Crazed

...

Valentine

Hello Fiction. I am new here also.

You seem to accept failure, which is not a good attribute. Maybe you have been told in the past you are not very good, but I think you have talent. The poem captured something unique for me. It painted a picture of uncontrolled disaster.

Some tips for you that may ease your thoughts of failure. Forget the punctuation. The best thing about poetry is that there are no rules. It's like a bird with no cage, it's beautiful. Without the periods, commas, and such, it leaves the reader to read it as he or she pleases, and take from it what he or she wants. It also makes it less rigid. I hope I see more from you in the future.

Valentine

Aww your too hard on yourself

First of all Welcome to YWS, I see your a new member!
Second...erm here's the review thingamabober

This gave me the mental image of a girl and a guy fighting, a very vivid picture which means your describing is good. I like the comapring between a wave and your emotions and stuff. This was REALLY good. Don't be so hard on yourself. I liked it alot .

PM me if you wanna talk...unless your a creepy balding 60 year old stalker dude then please don't PM me. If you aren;t however PM me anytime

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

I am thrilled you like it.

Hi. I'm Kate. Welcome to YWS.


First of all, don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're new...


Just kidding! Now...

First I want to spell out to you something that is well used and appreciated when it comes to poetry: r-h-y-t-h-m. It makes the world a better place... although if you're beginning poetry, it's very hard to master. Not much rhythm in here. You might want to, if you're a beginner, base off your work on a certain rhythm pattern of someone much more experienced and/or well-known when it comes to that aspect, such as Poe or Longfellow. Take their work as examples, and try to apply their rhythm in your work (although this may not work all the time and may not suit all of your poetical needs, it might help). Gradually, when you reread your own work, you'll realize what you lack, and you'll develop a sense of rhythm all on your own and become unique.

Oh yeah! The title. I think you mean "Crashed". If not, well... what the chicken does 'Crased' mean? Is it Latin? Dutch? What? Earth-speak, please?

Off to the next one: imagery. 'Tis quite overused, some of 'em here, but there are also some unique points that I found interesting.

I'll point out the points that I liked first:

Trying to sew together raged shreds of thoughts you stare distantly at me

- I like the idea of what you're trying to portray, but you should separate this chunk of text with punctuation. Why? Punctuation makes Kate a happy bunny. And it makes the world all sun-shiny and bright. Most importantly, it clears the flow of thought and makes the sentence not look like a run-on. It also adds some dramatization, since punctuation adds those... erm... dramatic pauses which makes your poem all the more epic, per se:

Trying to sew together raged shreds of thoughts, you stare distantly at me

There. Better, no?

Aaaaalthough, that aside, I don't like the following lines after this... Hm... But I can't think of anything better to put in it. Something big's missing and I just can't place a finger on it. Once I find out (and once I finish pondering about this mess) I'll be sure to inform you.

Next is...

Climbing in a tantrum, you throw your hands in the air, screeching wildly,

- 'Tis good... but how exactly do you climb into a tantrum?

Trying to crush a wave of emotion I walk towards the shadow of what you once were

- Aha. But it lacks punctuation again.

Trying to crush a wave of emotion, I walk towards the shadow of what you once were

There. Better.


Now, the nitpicking begins. You think I've already begun, haven't you? Well, I haven't. You've never seen the rest of it, buddy...

I stare at you as words fly out of your mouth - How can you see words that fly out of one's mouth? Though I'm not sure that's what you really meant here... ignore if it I've judged wrongly.

Trying to sew together raged shreds of thoughts you stare distantly at me
As I am wondering what made you this way - "as I wonder what made you be this way" seems to sound better for me.
Here we go! - Loathe this line. Random. What the chicken is this supposed to portray here? It's senseless. Omit or replace with something more coherent, please.

Riding a roller coaster of emotions your mood swings again. - This is the part that I thought sounded most cliche. Isn't this idea overused already...?
Climbing in a tantrum, you throw your hands in the air, screeching wildly, - Have commented on this. Not going to repeat.
Rambling about the past I don't have - Lolwhut? Clarify please?
Falling down - So, let's recap. Ride a roller coaster of emotions, rambling about what I see as blackmail or something, and then falling down into a depression. The events don't seem to flow well for me. They jump instead of flow. And that's somewhat bad.
Down into a ocean of depression; crying, wailing, blue - I've edited this line for you. See the difference?
Trying to crush a wave of emotion, I walk towards the shadow of what you once were
before your monsters escaped. - I would have liked these two lines if not for the lack of punctuation. But God bless thee, this is a nice poem, and I'll let you off the hook for now, seeing that you have potential. But do remember to capitalize, punctuate and think twice before you add imagery. Also, always read your work out loud in order to asses what might be missing. It also works for improving rhythm.

Gosh, kid. I'd be your mentor if you'd like me to be. XD


So there. I hope this helps! I'll click the like button as a bonus for a job well done... but don't get too confident! You've still got lots more to work on!


Have a fantastic day! PM me if you need anything else, okay?


Peace, sugar and bright, fluffy nonsense,

~Kate

Hi Fiction! Welcome to YWS! It was really good. Have you ever written poetry before? Even if you have its pretty impressive. It was short and sweet, which is exactly the kind of poem that I adore.
However, nitpicks, nitpicks, nitpicks.

Trying to sew together raged shreds of thoughts you stare distantly at me

This line seemed too long and uncomfortable, like you were trying to cram too much in. Try breaking it up a bit.

You also let a few adverbs slip in that could be eliminated. For example, it's a bit redundant to say "ragged shreds". Shreds are already going to be ragged, aren't there? Secondly, "you stare distantly at me" should be a new line. Also, I think you could add a period after "thoughts". I'm also a fan of taking out 'distantly' because the line 'you stare at me' packs a bit more punch. However, do whatever you would like.

Here we go!

This line seemed like it was a bit out of the blue. I know what you're trying to get across, but it seems more cheesy and breaks up the peaceful, direct flow of this poem. Instead I'd write, "here we go again," and end that with a period instead of an exclamation.

That's all I found wrong with the poem. I really liked it and I'm going to give it a thumbs up.

Again, Welcome to YWS, and please PM me if you need anything, alright?

Hello! I think using a rollercoaster metaphor could have been a little cliche but you made it work because of the description you added to it, so I quite liked that part. I think if you used a little more punctuation, your poem would look a bit tidier. I quite like the description you have used though, it is quite vivid, so well done.

hi

i think that this is a really good poem it has alot of emotion and i can feel that emotion GOOD WORK. keep writing