Romanov

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i. [come what may]

and in the fields of st. petersburg in the spring, the poppies
clot like let blood and the fieldworker's wives sow seeds in the worried furrows
of the field, weeping out of their hands, their wide and manly hands.
they bend in the fields, singing low songs to the earth, as the men
clear away the stuttery old skeletons of last years corn. the citybells
grope and glean their dull notes from the sky, and the moon is red
that night, from the fires in the field.

ii. [rasputin]

mad monk, mad strannik, pilgrim
from the wasteland. the domes and bascillicas
rise around you, like such orthodox mushrooms. wild-eye,
unkempt, mad shaman from the east, coming to us with cracked
sandals and a hushed voice. he lies on the bed, good son, flapping,
bloodless hemophiliac, his head pale and lit from within, like a nightlight,
he wears his skin like a gown, tucking in his bones. bruise of the night,
sobbing by the gaslight and bleeding, bleeding, bleeding, the doctors
shuffling and chirruping, like birds over tossed breadcrumbs.
dumb show of shadows on the wall, and cries
from the chamber rooms, which are red,

plush
as skinned plums.

mad monk, you approach him, you approach the bloodless tsarevich
from the east, from the tundraland where the peasants squint
at the endless sun in the endless night and you place your hand
on his forehead, whispering such sweet and honey
heresy.

iii. [the storming of the winter palace]

the face of our lady of st. theodore turns black
in oktober, and the harvest moon gestates, red placenta.
the Bolsheviks march in st. petersburg
and the bells are quiet, unpronounced, like silent letters in a
strange word. the poppies find their petals come out in handfuls,
red indulgences, red blood cells, and the fieldworkers
whisper 'lenin, lenin'
in their sleep.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Kylan, I don't know what to say. The murder of the Romanov family is something that has interested me for a long time now. I think you did a wonderful job describing this topic. As usual great job I don't have anything bad to say which I know isn't very helpful.


~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Then don't respond.

------------

Hi Kylan,

What's with you not incorporating and building upon one theme? Yes, Russian Revolution, circa 1917, okay. Oh, and the illustration of the red Communist color hidden within the folds of your words, which was done well. Beyond that, these three parts to the poem don't tie together at all. If these were three separate pieces, then I would have no problem with it, but you clearly have some idea in mind to string them together into a haphazard necklace like this. The first is the background, I believe, a reference to the plight and suffering of the people, etc, contrasted with what should be a beautiful spring scene (although I may have overanalyzed that). The second has to do with... Rasputin and the Czar's sickly son. And then... the Russian Revolution itself, and Lenin. What? Back up for a minute. You're good enough at the craft to know that poetry isn't just some self-pleasurable exercise in writing down flashes of lightning and turning them into ideas. There needs to be a backbone, which your poems usually have, and so this one is quite a disappointment. The orderly composition of the stanzas dulls the mind and makes the work look like a history lesson more than something that the reader can actually relate to.

That's my main problem with the piece. You know the imagery, spacing, internal subtle rhyming, etc has been done well. You need to fix the entire disconnect aspect of this poem; if it was done intentionally, and I can't see why you would think that's a good idea, then it did not shine well through and needs to be extensively remodeled to fit some kind of paradigm.

Hope that helped,
Galerius




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This piece is not so much about the revolution as it is about the fall of the House of Romanov. I suppose I could have referenced the actual romanov family in more detail, but I instead chose to focus on the periphery to communicate my themes.

We'll discuss it further when I'm not on an itouch...

- Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 33318
Reviews 382
The poem was titled "lenin, lenin", two out of the three parts seemingly concentrate fully on peasant suffering and rebellion, the remaining part is devoted to the relationship between Rasputin and the boy he was supposed to cure, and... this is a piece about the fall of the Romanovs?

I concede that I may have overlooked something or not looked at it enough, so please point out the parts that were designed to give clues as to the main themes. My point still holds that it's very blurry and disconnected. I'm aware that I do stuff like this in my poems too, but this is guilty of the same problem.

We'll discuss this later when I'm not on my iPhone...




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Points 8846
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Hey, honey. I swear your poems are like candy; I gobble them up. I totally did this critique a while back, but when I tried to post it my scanner was being all weird and stuffs.

You know the deal; anything you can't read, poke me about it.

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Ta,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore