Sins

She is just a dream I see
But she seems so real to me.
A melancholy strain she sings,
Reminding me of my sins.
Things I don't want to see,
A past that still haunts me.
Oh save me from this dream!
Forgive me for my sins
And free me from this thorny road of pain and misery.

Hi Radid! I don't have the time for an in-depth critique right now, but let me say that I really liked this. Your title was catchy, your poem was nice and simple.

However, for nitpicks. I think "dream" in the first line could be changed to something like "illusion" or "vision" because the narrator isn't dreaming about her, correct? She's just popping up in his every day life and only he can see her. It would also be nice if you expanded upon "sins". It's being repeated, which isn't good, and it would be nice to know what the main character did, or at least give the reader a vague idea.

That's all I have for now. PM me if you need anything.

Hi, Radid! Nice to meet you. Now on to the review.
First off, I like this a lot. I actually like the use of dream, but that's just me. It's a little cliche to "dream", so maybe use one of Elinor's helpful suggestions. And then, your rhyme, it falls off and on...like it'll sway away, and then it'll come blowing back. You had some great moments, but had some not too good ones as well in this poem. It's short, I like that, but maybe making it longer and saying what type of sin...a vague idea, at least.
The last line didn't fit well. Try something more like "Forgive me from my sins, will at last will I win?" I don't know...like winning the fight of sins. Just an idea, but, just, change the last line. It doesn't fit.
Now, nice job.
Tata.
-Mizzz

Hello!

I really liked this, your rhyme was great. I think that the use of dream worked but didn't at the same time, it seemed a little cliché. Maybe you could go for one of Elinors suggestions.
I agree with Mizzle, your poem was immense but the last line didn't fit too well. You can go with Mizzles idea or you could just split it into two parts, like this,

And free me from this thorny road,
of pain and misery.

Something like that

Well Done, I really liked it, it flowed well and was nice to read.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Hi! This poem has a very strong message, which is good. You did lose the rhyming at the end, though, and your meter is a little off - try counting how many syllables each line has and see what difference it makes when every line has the same amount. Perhaps a little more description could serve this poem well, too. Play around with it. Good work.

...I'll be back to review this later. I'm off to nom on a chocolate bar to replenish my energy, now, but I want you to know that this is cool.

So! Just wait for me. I shall return.

She is just a dream I see
But she seems so real to me.
A melancholy strain she sings,
Reminding me of my sins. -What sins?
Things I don't want to see,
A past that still haunts me.
Oh save me from this dream!
Forgive me for my sins - You are not praying, for Spiderman's sake. You can do better at wording this.
And free me from this thorny road of pain and misery. - This is the longest line of all... and it messes up the fair rhythm you have established in the first few lines.

So there. This was so short, so there's also few nitpicks for ya. It needs some clarification in some parts, so it wouldn't appear too vague and make the reader relate with it more. It actually does not pull a heartstring or anything of the sort, and I find the imagery of the first two lines somewhat cliche. I've heard of that thing a thousand times already. Perhaps a new perspective to present this same idea with? Be versatile.


I hope that helps! Sorry for the delay.


~Kate

Hi!

I really liked this. Especially the repetition in the rhyme. It's so often easy to mess up a poem by concentrating on rhyming it, but you've done this very well in my opinion.

Poems that are short doesn't automatically make them bad. But you always need to make sure that all the emotion is conveyed to the reader and that the poem will stay in there mind after reading it. Though I don't think I need to mention this, you've done pretty well. It wouldn't hurt to be a bit longer though, so there's more of a journey of emotion; not just a statement.

She is just a dream I see (Wonderful opening that instantly confers to the reader what your poems is about)
But she seems so real to me.
A melancholy strain she sings, (Great word choice in "strain")
Reminding me of my sins.
Things I don't want to see,
A past that still haunts me.
Oh save me from this dream!
Forgive me for my sins
And free me from this thorny road of pain and misery. (You might want to consider revising this. It seems too long and not as a powerful ending as it could be)

I can't really think of any other way to improve this: I really like it.

Keep up the good work,
JSPike

Your poem is really good and really speaks to me!!!!!! It really is a true work of art. I makes me wonder, smile, and feel sad. All at the same time! Keep on writing!!!!!!!

Hi! I really liked reading your poem.

Like the others said, you lose a little with the last line being so long. Also, you might want to use some stronger words. Basically, all it takes is a look at good ole Mr. Thesaurus. He'll never let you down!

Peace!