We Have Nothing to Fear

thelastofhisclan wrote:When It's hard trying to press on,
And impossible to go back;

Give all you have to holding true,
And do not let yourself slack. This didn't quite seem to flow



When you envy a vernal neighbor,
'Cause his hope is still so young; His hope is young? I don't really think you can personify a concept.

Stop, put on your worker's hat, and Move and to the next line
Remember, "Keep Moving Strong".Since you chose to rhyme, this line needs to be changed so it sounds better.



Though these days awake alone,
'Cause the nights are in some frays; I have absolutely no idea what you meant by this

Stay true to a just tone, and
Fight! Till the end of the day. once again, move and down to the next line.. Also Fight shouldn't be an exclamatory statement. Also till isn't the word you're looking for, I think you mean til'


And when comes the hour most will hate,
God will give justice her sweet song.

And when he opens courtroom gates; make it THE courtroom gates
Don't fear, just keep moving strong.



(I wrote this to practice alliteration without making it sound too forced.

I also tried not to make the rhyming scheme seem so obvious

{some lines didn't really rhyme but went decently well together]

Please critique)

It was a good concept, I liked it, but it needs a bit of work.

andImpossible going back;

And do not let yourself slack.

I feel like you're having trouble with this line. The number of syllables just doesn't flow. I would suggest a total rewrite of this line. It's not that important or inspirational, at least to me, so you shouldn't have a problem.

Remember, "Keep Moving Strong".

Why did you have to put that in quotations? *confused*

God will give justice to her sweet song.

And when he opens courtroom gates;

This is the only line I really didn't like. In no other lines did you mention anything about a courtroom. I think you need to rethink what your poem is about.

I really liked this. It was a nice and easy read. Keep writing!

Classy

Hey Clan! Welcome to YWS!

I had a feeling that this was going to be a religious poem, but I kind of wondered at the message. It seemed like you were supporting God, which is totally awesome, but it also sounded that we were the main people involved with this fight and this fight would be to get to God, rather than finding that God was already with us. And that's kind of depressing... the only reason why I'm a Christian now is because I realize that I have no strength to win over my sins without God.

Anyway, just thought I would comment on that!