The Man Below My Terrace

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It was a dark silvery night

And the moon has gone a-hiding

And the birds have ceased a-chirping

When I beheld a bloody sight

A gripping, chilling tale of fright.



It was a high and lofty place

And there I stood a-shivering

And in that terrace a-trembling

When down the lane I saw a face

A tall, thin man walked in a daze.



It was a large and rusty axe

And in his right hand a-swinging

And in its blade, the blood a-dripping

When... 'Horrors, horrors!' and I gasped,

He drank the blood, and then he laughed!



It was a round and severed head

And in his left hand a-clinging

And in its neck the wound a-gaping

When suddenly, he chomped and chewed

He ate the head! Oh, God! the head!



Yes, 'twas a high and lofty place

And there I stood a-shivering

And in that terrace a-trembling

When down I gazed and saw a face

A tall, thin man below my terrace.

Hello!

I liked this, well done

I think you really portrayed the characters emotions and thoughts really well. And your rhythm was consistent thanks to the "a-blahblah." Your rhyme scheme wasn't too forced either which was great because this is a common problem in poetry. The idea was also pretty original

Overall, congrats! This poem was great. *Clicks the 'like' button*
~Lydia

Woah. That was.... scary. But good! Yes, scary but good. One problem: How do you eat a head? I mean, you have a skull.... and stuff.... ew. I'm eating jello over here. Not the best experience. Nice poem, though. Work on your spacing, and that whole head thing, and it'll be awesome!

--Dreamy

Great job with this, I got a pretty vivid picture of...well...that...and the head ...and the axe...and...

The only thing, you changed tenses a few times, like in the first sentence:

It was a dark silvery night
And the moon hasgone a-hiding

The 'was' is past tense, and the 'has' is present tense. You do it a few more times, but overall I think you did a deliciously gory job- I agree with Lydia, very original

~Mel

Hiya Padre!

Nice to meet you.

So...I really, really loved this. Could be the fact that I have, er, a thing for heads getting lopped off with axes, apparently, but I have to say that this is quite fresh and well done.

I really like how you keep the rhythm going with your a-[verb]ing. Seems to both add a sense of action as well as spice it up in general.

I don't really seem to have any problems with this. At all. So I can't really be too constructive, but meh.

Great job! Keep writing and take care!
~Freyja

Haha, actually, this was pretty funny! In a weird way, of course, but still!

I think that the narrator would notice what the head looked like more. When I was a young teen or tween or so, I saw a severed animal head once, but I didn't recognize that it was a head at first until the rope (which was twisted) twisted so that its face was visible to us. And I remember the gleaming eyes and the strange teeth and how odd it looked vividly, even though when I recognized it as a head, my sister and I ran as quickly as we could.

So more description about the head, please! It'll be awesome... really!

Woah! I love this. It's so different. It has an old-sounding tone, and it's very strong. Kinda creepy, but it's lightened a little by your use of exclamation points. You changed tense in the first stanza, so watch out for that - the birds "had" stopped chirping, since the rest of the poem is in past tense. Although, perhaps if the whole poem was written in present tense, it might make it even more, well, tense. Just a thought. Great job though, this is very interesting.

Hey there!

Your colour in language choice is truly exceptional! I especially enjoyed the gripping of these two lines:

And the moon has gone a-hiding
And the birds have ceased a-chirping

I think there's originality to your writing and it makes me appreciate the images you convey more and I think it's because of this that I grow to love your poem.

I have to say the ending was very enjoyable:

When down I gazed and saw a face
A tall, thin man below my terrace.

It's almost like a cliff hanger, but at the same time not. Its like ending something that isn't at its end. I love the mystery for it.

I'm drawn in.

No real nitpicks, apart from a good revision to see if fluency can be improved.
Keep it up,
Ben

Mabuhay!

Thanks all for your wonderful comments. Gladly appreciated.

@ BenFranks: English is just my third tongue and uh... fluency in it is a thing which, in all probability, will elude me for the rest of my life. tee hee! Nevertheless, I try my best to improve, and inputs like these will surely help me a lot. Gracias, amigos y amigas.