I did not cry

Okayy whenbi first started reading I was confused but I got it now. Lik at the very very end of the poem you shouldve put "but I did not cry" it would sound SO good. I like this very much. But can you PM me about this to help me a little bit more so I can understand. Thx.

I got right away what it was about, but the thing that confused me was the time. At first I thought that it was during the time of concentration camps, then after I finished it, I got the feeling it was more modern, you were visiting like on a class trip. I liked this, you had an original subject, that really has an impact on people, which is a breath of fresh air from all the "I hate my life, no one understands me" poems.

Keep writing!

Wow.

That was very impacting. You've obviously put a lot of emotion into this. Just because you don't cry about something doesn't mean you're emotionless... you've expressed your emotion through poetry, which is an excellent channel for that sort of thing.

I'm going to move on now and point out what you can do to improve this. It's very broken up - the full stops, the "and"s, they all made it a little too broken up for comfort. And your rhythm could use a little work. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean.

Well done, though, this thing is saturated in emotion.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Just to repeat the others and be an echo for a moment, excellent job on the emotion. I actually don't mind the rhythm/brokenness of it, as I think it adds to it. However, Grin does have a point when she says that. It's sitting on the fence between jarring in a good way and jarring in a bad. Your call on that.

Something that confused me at first but that I think I've figured out now is who this person is. At first, I was thinking (s)he was a Jew, sent to the camps, but was thrown off by the questioning. 'Of course they're not Hitler or any one of his Nazis, they're the victim here. Why would they question that?' Those were my initial thoughts until I read the very end, and then re-read again. It's the friend of a victim, yes? Maybe? I'm still a little fuzzy on it, though I know Poetry isn't meant to be exact.

Pretty good poem.

Hello, as Dreamer said this is just going to be a repetition of what other people have said but I liked this poem so I had to write something!

You put a lot of emotion and thought into this and that was great. I find what Hitler did to be extremely sad and horrific and I think you brought those emotions across very well. As Grin said you need to read it aloud to improve on the rhythm of the piece as a whole but other than this well done. I liked the title as well and that caught my eye and made me want to read this!

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey good stuff. It was slightly confusing at first, but with a bit of improvement this could be excellent!

First of all, similar to what other people have been saying, I was confused by the context. Is it written after the Holocaust or during? It felt sometimes like you were writing the poem from the perspective of someone in a concentration camp, and sometimes it felt like you were talking retrospectively. Something you might want to fix a bit.

Not even the fingernail etchings could bring a tear,
Nor the hollow remnants of a footstep
on the stair, <--------- '.'
Or the distant cries for a saviour
in the air.

This part is very powerful. Though for some reason I think you should put a full stop there. Although, I'm not great with making poetry 'flow', so don't take my word for it!

The ending... I was begging for you to end it differently. It may change the way the poems written, but I was willing you to end it in a way that was really powerful. Something along the lines of her seeing something other than the physical pain of Auschwitz, that makes her finally cry. To me the "I feared that it may be true" was very unexpected. Though, obviously this changes the meaning of the poem; it's just the poem led me to expect.

Anyway, well done though. This was wonderful!

Keep up the good work.

Thanks for taking the time to review everyone, I appreciate it!
I've edited the poem a little, tweaking a few things using your criticism and some of my own, so if you want to have another read, please do!

I'll also clear up some of the confusion. Obviously, poetry can be interpreted differently by every reader which is why I didn't put a little synopsis of the poem for you. However, only one person so far has understood the piece in the way that I did when I wrote it! I visited Auschwitz with my school in October 09 and wrote this soon after I got back, hence the language I've used such as remnants and fingernail etchings which are all things that are leftover from the Holocaust.

The poem mainly is just my emotions and how I feel I was supposed to react when I was there- by crying. I didn't cry, just felt a sort of numbness to the whole thing and ultimately, yes, it did make me feel evil for a while (until I understood myself more) which is why I relate myself to Hitler. I didn't want to be too twee by adding a really profound end, I wanted it to be blunt and almost controversial which I think it is!

Hope that makes it easier for you to understand!
Thanks again

Helen

Hey there,

This is interesting. I like the simplistic tone throughout this, but towards the end, your lines become choppy and I think you need to balance that out, perhaps in rewording or deconstruction/building up.

The raising of questions... I see the point, but I don't like it. Perhaps make it clear that you're wondering this, or invoking someone specific, because this seems pretty hypothetical to us, and it's not having as much of a positive effect as it could.

Thanks for including the picture. It emphasized the poem well.

June

helenelizabethclarke wrote:I did not cry when I went to Auschwitz,
I did not weep and I did not sob.
Not even the fingernail etchings could bring a tear.
Nor the hollow remnants of a footstep on the stair,
Or the cries for a God, still clinging to the air.
The photographs,
The gas,
The smell of hell,
The cells,
The eyes,
The clothes and the pain all remain.
But I did not cry.
Am I no worse than Hitler himself?
Should I wear a swastika on my chest,
And hold the Nazi’s dear to heart?
As I looked upon the tear-stained faces of my friends,
I feared that it may be true.

Hey I'm Ben.
A little note to start, I'm not brilliant with poetry so most of my suggestions won't be technical errors, however, I do know quite a bit about the concept and story behind your poem.
I can see here that you're writing about someone who goes to the Auchwitz camp during Hitler's Nazi Germany, which is where they went to be gased. I struggle to see from your poem what perspective you're writing from and it becomes confusing. I thought you were writing from the view of one of the prisoners but then I wasn't sure because you compared your character to the Nazis. I may be missing the point entirely, in which case I don't think you've portrayed a clear enough message - especially on an impacting subject like this.

Despite this, I love how it's read aloud. The "I did not cry" shows strength and the concept's juggled with vulnerability which I adore. I think you have done well poetry wise, but need to portray your ideas clearer and deliver the impact a subject like this deserves.

Hope you keep writing!
Ben,

Like the other people who have reviewed this I was a little confused about the time period. At the beginning I didn't know it was from a present day point of view. The way you speak there makes me think you were actually there. Then towards the end I wasn't sure what happened I knew it couldn't be about someone who was actually there at the time because of the references to Hitler. I think if you went back through and reworded somethings it would make more sense without you having to explain what is happening in addition to the poem, it should tell us that already.

Good luck! Hope I helped.

~peanut~