Carpe Diem (We will not be forgotten) [Working Title]

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Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:34 pm

JSPike says... · Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:34 pm

I haven't written anything in a while and wanted to get back into it by writing for a competition. I'm afraid I can't even remember the last time I wrote poetry, so I'm sorry if it's awful. :wink:

-
Carpe Diem (We will not be forgotten)
[19/01/10]

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.
-
It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.
-
As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.
-
As they see through us, as we lie down to die
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.
-
Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known
We leave no mark.
-
And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen.
-
In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.
-
Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Last edited by JSPike on Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:37 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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emoticon220

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Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:15 am

emoticon220 says... · Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:15 am

Actually thats really good! i liked it a lot one little thing

Less we stand and chant

Lest not less. thats it...although i leave your poem to the grammer sharks that will feed on it like pirannas on a scrap of meat left over from an alligator lunch.

(JK about the feeding part but beware the grammer sharks, and those who like things "just so")

feel free to pm me with any questions about poetry and the like.

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Snoink

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Thu Jan 14, 2010 7:19 am

Snoink says... · Thu Jan 14, 2010 7:19 am

Hey Spike!

I like these stanzas:

As you and I walk along that many tred’d path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs
And we are but pawns.

As they see through us, we lie down to die.
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker.
Meaningless and unworthy
We leave no imprint.

In fact, I would probably use the first stanza I quoted as a beginning to your poem. The rest seems like a rant while that part has some personality.

Anyway, the take-home message is that I like it better when you include yourself in it. When you just speak in metaphors, it doesn't seem as powerful. But play around with it! It's a good start, definitely.

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Mo.

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Fri Jan 15, 2010 12:14 pm

Mo. says... · Fri Jan 15, 2010 12:14 pm

This is really good, and it is very powerful to me.
The indifference of life, a looming shadow, the message your poem portrays. I really like the ending, I think you did it very well. In its simplicity, it brings the message of the poem.

Thanks for posting this, good work, and keep writing!

~Mo.

Mo. was here.

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Juniper

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Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:42 pm

Juniper says... · Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:42 pm

Hallo, Spike!

Nicely done! I quite like the basis on idea that you've built in this; it's rather creative, although some parts do stand some room for improvement. Let's see:

Life. Such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness.
Whilst that great institution stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

I'm not sure that the repetition of "great institution" is, well, adequate for this poem. You have plenty of room for more originality, and I do think you should take advantage and use it, because the repetition is boring; Use a synonym instead to take its place, dear.

Also, be careful about the way you word things! Capitalization, line breaks, "and"s and all of those minor things play out important roles on your poetry, dear. Pay attention to that, because the flow -- which's seemingly important here -- is a touch staggered.

.

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life.
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

No need to close a line with a period if you're continuing a thought. Run ons are permissible in poetry! They help emphasize the flow, as well.

.

As you and I walk along that many tred’d path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs
And we are but pawns.

I'm not sure why you eliminated vowels in treaded, but I think you should chase them down with a lasso and drag em back.

You're not really killing any syllables, so your best bet is to keep them home.

Also, "And" in the last line is a dragger. You can kill her; you'll still have the same meaning, especially if you end the previous with a comma.

...

From here on, things are pretty basic, so I can make general comments:

- Pay attention to structure. As I said, capital letters, spaces, line breaks, dashes and dots and everything play more roles than you would expect on your poem, so be very careful about where you put them.

- This is good, but if you eliminated some of the heavier narrative terms that describe actions, such as verbs, and eliminate excess words like "ands" where you can, you'd have a much better flow.

I like the poem a lot. The idea was good, but the presentation could have been better. Keep working on this, until it makes you smile inside when you read it.

Best of luck in the contest! I hope you place well.

June

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JSPike

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Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:44 pm

JSPike says... · Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:44 pm

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your kind, helpful and constructive comments.

This is really helping me with this (and hopefully improving my limited poetry skills)!

[Changes: 19/01/10]

I have again attempted to make the poem slightly more personal, and tried to eliminate the heavy narration as suggested - though I don't know how well I have achieved this.

I have gotten rid of a few 'and's and changed around the punctuation a bit to attempt to help the flow. And also broke up the 3rd last stanza.

I've also changed the end of the poem. Just ending with 'Carpe Diem' didn't quite cut it for me. So I've incorporated a sort of 'mini' theme (that's still related) and changed the title to reflect this.

Feel free to rip it to shreds: I still want your feedback and suggestions on how to improve etc. and all comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for all your help.

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writewannabe

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Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:56 pm

writewannabe says... · Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:56 pm

I think this is very well written. I can't think of any suggestions except for line structure. Some of your lines anr a bit longer than others. Maybe you did this intentionally. Still a much better poem than I could write.

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BenFranks

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Tue Jan 19, 2010 6:13 pm

BenFranks says... · Tue Jan 19, 2010 6:13 pm

Hey there JSPike! I thought this poem was actually really well-written, especially your beginning!
By the way: Not too good with poetry so I'll be reviewing the content, message and feel as opposed to technicalities.

JSPike wrote: Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic. [/qoute]

I love the choice of language you open your poem with, it's drawing and paints a vivid picture, aswell as putting the reader into perspective and realising that we are what you're telling us and you convey the emotion very well here.

JSPike wrote: It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

This is fantastic! The punctuation here makes it read flawlessly in my opinion and it has a feel of a free rhythm to it. I especially how you have used the trees part to compare life to the "them". I love mystery, whatever context!

JSPike wrote: As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

Just a nitpick here but I think you mean "wander" not "wonder"... Otherwise I love how you've put us into the position of pawns and given this mysterious perspective so much power, it's captivating and almost paints a kind of impressionist picture in the reader's mind.

JSPike wrote: As they see through us, as we lie down to die
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

Yet again, I love this, however I'm a bit iffy on the first line, I don't feel it fits with the rest of the poem.

JSPike wrote: Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known
We leave no mark.

I like the change of atmosphere and vague repition of "We leave no imprint" to "We leave no mark" it's hinted and very well structured to work beautifully

JSPike wrote: And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen. [/qoute]

I enjoy the sentence length here, it brings the reader on a form of journey with your writing. Beautiful.

JSPike wrote: In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

I like this again and enjoy how you've kept the captivation by leaving this mysterious character a mystery, allowing the imagination of the reader to spiral in thought, It's ingenious. Well done.

JSPike wrote: Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Fab ending, all round brilliant poem and I'd love to read more.

Excuse the way this reviews layed out

I don't know what happened!

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Vanadis

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Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:15 am

Vanadis says... · Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:15 am

Hello JSPike!
First I want to thank you for picking me for a review! So, let's see what's up here.

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

So, I notice that in this poem, the lines start off being quite long, and then dwindle down to being a bit short. I don't know if you want to keep the scheme to 4 lines per stanza; I'll assume you do. If not, you can break them up more. It wouldn't really matter, as it's got free-form qualities.
So for line 1, you could take out "in that great institution." The rest of the poem seems to explain a little bit of what that institution is, so this doesn't really need to be said.
Line 2: "in the blink of an eye" is a pretty cliche phrase. We could pass instantly from light to darkness. Maybe spontaneously.
Line 3: To shorten it a bit, you don't have to say "tall" because you've already said "vast." But personally, since vast is stronger and you want to keep the relationship between this line and the 4th, you could say something like "Whilst authority stands vast and majestic..."

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on
Ignorant in their inherent power.

Line 1: This is an odd line. Normally I hear of things being *of* indifference; there's really nothing technically wrong with this except it just reads a bit weird. Maybe try playing with the wording a bit.
2: Also reads a bit odd, as though the wind is "they" and is bending life.
3 and 4: You may want to put a comma after "on" because the first time I didn't pause there and just kept reading; I got the image that they're deliberating on ignorant, and that was like..."what?" But I do like how they're ignorant though so powerful.

As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

1: Should be "wander." Also, by treaded...do you mean it's a well-worn path where people have walked, or tire treads? If it's the first, you may want to change "many" to heavily; if it's the second, make it "many-treaded."
I like line 3. But line 4 seems really short.
Maybe the powers can play for keeps and we can be but pawns in the game. You can play with it to make it stronger, but it needs to balance.

As they see through us, as we lie down to die
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

This is good, but the first two lines are much longer. You could say:
They see through us as we die, meaningless,
Alone, unloved; we pass in a flicker,
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.
Really, just play with the wording and somehow make it match a bit better. It doesn't have to match perfectly, of course; just keep the rhythm.
Lying down to die seems like they're giving up, surrendering. This poem doesn't seem to be about that.

Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known
We leave no mark.

"Yet" should not be repeated in the first line. You can change the first one to "though" or something like that.
I'd take "up" out of the second line; it's redundant. If you're rising, of course you're going up. That'll also take out some of the wordiness in the second line.
I like this stanza a lot! It reminds me of a sneak attack. Ambushing the authority.

And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen.

This stanza is shorter, and in my opinion, less poetic than the rest of it. For one, they already rose in the last stanza. Maybe now they can muster their forces. In the third line, they strike. That's not really such a strong verb; you could perforate their defense or something. I don't like the repetition of "we have," "they have..." I'm kind of left wanting to know how they do it.

In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

I like this. I can't really say I'd change too much here. If you want to play with the verbage a bit, there's room for improvement, but it's got good rhythm and display of the surprise factor. You could easily make this the best stanza by strengthening the verbs.

Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

I could be wrong, but I thought "lest" meant unless, so I'd say, "Let us stand and chant! / Carpe Diem! / We will not be forgotten!" It should be more excited! They just won!

I enjoyed this greatly. You have a wonderful idea, good imagery, a story...What's not to love? All you need to do is look at the rhythm, tweak that, strengthen your wording.

The "in their last moments" stanza was my favorite so far, but taken in context, I wouldn't be able to pick a favorite. It all works well together. You stay on your topic and keep everything flowing in an organized fashion.

Well done!
Take care,
~Freyja.

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Jennafina

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Wed Jan 27, 2010 9:11 pm

Jennafina says... · Wed Jan 27, 2010 9:11 pm

Hey, Spike! Thanks a lot for the critique on my story. It was really helpful and I will definitely be making changes because of what you pointed out.

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.

Maybe say life is such a meaningless thing?

I don't really like the dashes between the stanzas. They're distracting and unnecessary, I think your poem would look a lot cleaner if you just took them out.

As you and I wonder along that many treaded path,

I'm not entirely sure, as either would work, but there's a chance you might mean 'wander' instead of 'wonder'? To wander is to meander or walk without a real direction in mind, and to wonder is to think contemplatively. Generally paths are wandered upon, but you can wonder on them too I suppose-- you can even do both at the same time.

I don't think you actually need the last stanza. Carpe Diem is your title, you don't need to repeat yourself. Taking it off would make it a bit shorter which would be good. It's not too long but a lot of times shorter poems stay in the reader's mind better. It's like they're more concentrated or something.

One other thing I noticed is that your lines get shorter and shorter. The lines in the first stanzas are long, with big descriptive words like 'majestic' and 'glorious.' Towards the end, though, the lines are really short, especially in this stanza:

And then, it is too late:
We have risen
We have struck,
They have fallen.

See if you can add some more description. Your language is beautiful and you paint a really vivid picture, I'd love to see more of that. Anyway, thanks a lot for the link to this, I really enjoyed reading it. I hope what I've written here makes sense but let me know if there's anything I should clarify.

Thanks again,

Jenna

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JSPike

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Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:39 pm

JSPike says... · Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:39 pm

Thanks for all the reviews guys! Hopefuly it's starting to improve from the original now.

@jenna: Sorry about the lines in between the stanzas. There there because otherwise it gets posted in one big block, not sure why. When I figure it out I'll take them out. :lol:

@Freyja: You're right, 'lest' does mean "unless". That's what I meant though.

@Ben: Thanks for your kind and constructive comments. They're very helpful.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews guys. I'm working on the edit again now. :lol:

Sorry if you're getting fed up reading the same thing though, but I want to improve this!

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BenFranks

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Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:52 pm

BenFranks says... · Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:52 pm

Anytime.

Oo, i forgot to "Likes" this.

*Likes*

Ben

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Xirenia

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Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:46 pm

Xirenia says... · Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:46 pm

Hey hey

Finally doing that review for you. Sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said. I'll put any small corrections in red on the quote

Life, such a meaningless thing in that great institution.
We pass in the blink of an eye, from the world of light into darkness
Whilst that vast authority stands, tall and majestic
Firm and apathetic.

I would change 'that' to the. It just sounds more correct. And there should be a comma after 'stands'.
I like the two words you've used at the end of this stanza. Very strong.

It is such indifference to them,
As the wind sways the trees, so they bend life;
To their own end they deliberate on,
Ignorant in their inherent power.

Maybe it's just me, but that first line makes absolutely no sense. Wouldn't it be better to say They are so indifferent?
That semicolon at the end of the second line doesn't need to be there and there should be a comma at the end of the third line.

As you and I wander along that many treaded path,
Those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.
What is yours is mine and what is ours is theirs,
We are but pawns.

It's spelt wander, not wonder.

As they see through us, as we lie down to die,
Huddled, alone and unloved, we pass in but a flicker,
Meaningless and unworthy.
We leave no imprint.

Should be commas where I've put in red

Yet, there is hope yet.
As we rise up, that blind power sees not
Until we make ourselves known.
We leave no mark.

Get rid of the second yet. It sounds funny with both on them in there.
And I adore the last two lines by the way. They're amazing.

And then, it is too late:
We have risen,
We have struck,
They have fallen.

Great how you have the contrast from 'we' to 'they'. It's very powerful.

In their last moments,
Do their eyes widen
And see clearly what we have become?
We will not be forgotten.

Gosh, great stanza. It says so much about their struggle.

Life. Such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant,
Carpe Diem.
We will not be forgotten.

Seize the day. We will not be forgotten. What a superb way to end a poem. I take my hat off to you

This is magnificently written, if I do say so myself. You should be very proud of yourself. Besides those few grammatical errors, you have yourself a fantastic talent.

I hope I helped,

~^~Xirenia~^~

We're young, open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world - Mumford & Sons

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