Where Lost Deams Go to Die

Falling, Falling, through the endless mass of nothing

Tranquility reigns hold and I let the air around me be the only sound

Farther back, in the corner of this vast void of empty, screams are heard

The dying pieces of lost dreams, holding onto the last bit of hope they have

Darkness, the brother of Tranquility invades and conquers

All is nothing



ALTERNATIVE ENDING (IGNORE THE ABOVE ALL IS NOTHING!!!!!)


Where was Mother Light, where was Sister Hope?

Father Death‘s secret affair with Mistress Pain

All is nothing


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I put up an alternate ending above. I personally don't like the alternative ending, which ever you guys like more I guess I'll keep. Adressing questions, I meant when I said all is nothing that when Darkness took over he killed the dreams. And by dreams I don't really mean fall asleep dreams, I mean the my life's goal dreams. When it says the only sound I hear is air, I mean she zones out of the screams and goes into her head. I don't like to say these things because it ruins the reader's point of view of the poem. While one person believes that this is a description of hell another thinks that this is where the dreams they can't remember in the morning resides. I loathe when it happens to me-like when I think something means that the narrator found her sister dead when the author later explained it was the narrator describing the love of her life moving-it's just an awful feeling. Sorry for my mini-vent * turns to * <3 Thanks for reading, please review!

Hi Jasmine!

I picked no, but that's only because I pick the worst option for anybody who puts a poll on their story or poem... no offense to you!

I actually liked this poem! It reminded me of a description of hell that I read somewhere, so this poem was pretty fascinating to me, However, if you intended a different scenery instead of hell, you should probably have described it in a different way to show more of what you were talking about!

I thought it was interesting how you personified "Tranquility" and "Darkness" to be brothers. I think if you expanded on their relationship a bit more, it would be fascinating.

Anyway, a god star for you! Thanks for posting this poem and I hope to see you more on YWS!

screams are heard

I thought it was an empty void and that the air was the only sound?
Also, I like the darkness tranquility relationship there. I think it's nice and could be explained more and things along those lines.

And I am voting no, reason, I'ma just use what snoink wrote. Haha laziness is for the win.
Anyways, I thought the poem was okay, not great, but okay.

Good luck. Keep writing.

Silented1.

I put yes in the poll, because I always put the nicest answer for those. But you really shouldn't post polls for writing, because they give an untruthful account of what the person thinks of your work, as you can see from us three reviewers who all voted not on account of your work, but our own feelings.
Besides that, I thought it was really interesting. But I was confused about how there was no sound but air, and then empty screams are heard.
It could be expanded upon-- usually I like short poems, but this one didn't feel done just yet.
Besides that, great job and keep writing
Empress

I voted in between, merely because I didn't want to say whether I did or not - I don't like polls, Anyway - the review!

I liked the poem because It leaves a lot to the reader, which I think is essential in poetry. We can related to it more that way. Personally, like Empress, I suggest revising this and extending it a little more, I feel that you didn't finish what you had to say and it lacked a beginning and end. It would be great as the centre of a piece, but it didn't work for me. However I think your choice of language is fabulous! And all-in-all I enjoyed reading your poetry.
Ben

This doesn't really seem to jump out at me much. It's got potential, yes; however, it's about where lost dreams go, right? So they go to a place where they scream until it gets dark. I want to see what's tearing them apart like you say:

The dying pieces of lost dreams, holding onto the last bit of hope they have

It bugs me that you describe it as a void, and it's been pointed out that there is no sound in a void. You'd hear no screams. There's also no air in a void, either, so maybe you'd want to clarify a bit more if the whole thing is a void, where the void begins and ends, or if it was even really a void at all.

I do really like the image of the dreams in pieces screaming and trying to keep themselves together. I want to see more of that imagery. It's really the only part that shows, but it shows very well.

I like that Tranquility and Darkness are personified and battling. But what do they want with the lost dreams?

The last line, "All is nothing," makes it seem like the dream was never there in the first place. Of course, we know they were; why else would you write about them? The end should be clarified a little bit.

I love the idea you had for the poem. However, I read it and didn't find out what happens to those dreams that I can't remember in the morning. That's what this is, right? From what I gather they go to a place of nothingness, but why? And why are Darkness and Tranquility there?

As I've said, this poem has a lot of potential. The flow of it is very nice and I didn't see any grammar problems, so this tells me you're a good writer. When you edit, try to show more specifically where the dreams go.

I voted in between because I didn't feel as if it was your best work. I have read a few of your other pieces and this one just didn't seem to show off your maximum potential. Try giving it another go and see how it turns out, and maybe even make it a bit longer.

~DayDreams

I didn't vote, because I don't think a poll is necessary - that's what reviews are for. So I thought it would make more sense to explain how I felt here.

I liked it. It was really well-written, and the idea behind it was lovely, and that's a rare combination.

I liked your first ending better, I have to say. The two lines in the alternative seemed to kind of take away from the beauty of it.

I also liked how it was written in freeform. The style really suits the randomness of dreaming. It really worked for this.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more constructive. I hope I helped, but I'm not seeing how. On the plus side, you'll be getting a gold star!
~Grin

Not bad, not my favorite, but not bad.

Tranquility reigns hold and I let the air around me be the only sound

The part in blue I don't really get, are you meaning to say that you hold the reins to tranquility, or that tranquility reigns supreme over you?

ALTERNATIVE ENDING (IGNORE THE ABOVE ALL IS NOTHING!!!!!)

Caps burn my eyes and make me all not wanting to read on. It's obnoxious.

Where was Mother Light, where was Sister Hope?

Father Death‘s secret affair with Mistress Pain

All is nothing

Meh I don't like this ending as much

I think this is my final review of yours, if there's anymore I have to do post the link to my wall. Hope I helped somewhat xD

~Hope