I'm in Hell

How was I to know
That today was to be my final day?
That my hours were limited,
Torn from me as a thief
Would steal a wallet.

I thought I would live forever.
Too bad Mother Nature didn't think such.
She sent the wave,
The massive tsunami,
Hurtling, encompassing, killing.

It wrenched me from my bed,
Ever so late at night.
There was no time to think
Of my brother, of my sister,
Before my life slipped from my grasp.

I watched my spirit
Be torn from my dead body.
I cried out in pain and anguish,
But it was too late.
No one could hear my shrieks.

So it was to hell I was sent,
To be burned alive,
Burned past the point that flesh
Fell from my bones
And lay around me.

I was not ready for my day of judgement.
I was far too busy pretending
That life would never be parted from me.
I am no immortal goddess;
And it's been proven to me now.

This poem was great it really made me feel emotion while reading it.

torn from me as a thief
would steal a wallet

I love the simile you used here, very original comparing a thief stealing a wallet to death taking a life.

burned past the point that flesh
fell from my bones
and lay around me.

This line created very powerful imagery. Great poem!

I like the imagry also, and the title grabbed me. The wallet simily was my favorite also, except maybe for this...

She sent the wave,
the massive tsunami,

I like how that sounds.

The last line seems a little awkward, though. It seems forced.

P.S. You might want to think about capitaliing the first letter of each line.

That's kind of funny that you thought that the last line was forced (it's good to know that it sounded like that), but that actually was the easiest stanza to write. I'll work on it.

forest_ofthe_nightingale wrote:That's kind of funny that you thought that the last line was forced (it's good to know that it sounded like that), but that actually was the easiest stanza to write. I'll work on it.

Sometimes we work so hard on a piece that when it is finally easy to write, it seems out of place. But I would argue that the last stanza doesn't seem to fit because you split it into two short sentences when the rest of the work is long and flowy.

But yeah. Good imagery, etc.

I changed it some... I think this sounds better, but it's hard to love your own writing. Any opinions?

Now the last line seems too wordy. But at least the other lines seem to be a little more "with" the poem.

Oh, don't you love poetry?

Great ideas presented here. The classic "it can't happen to me" illusion destroyed. Nicely done. My only suggestion would be to smooth out the flow a little, especially in the very beginning. It read a little choppy to me.

I like everything but the last line. Maybe if I read it tomorrow I'll like it more, but it seems almost TOO dramatic, which makes it a little corny. Maybe it's just me, lol. Other than that, I think this poem is really good! I love the imagery you use. It's very powerful and very effective.

Okay.

Flow gets choppy at parts. It's nothing extreme, but definitely something to look into correcting. Also, the poem switches language use several times. At one point, it will use flowery language only to suddenly drop into noir language (there must be a term for this), and then jump to the intense language that hits us with truth. Flowery and intense sometimes go together, but under certain circumstances of correct use. I'd suggest exploring it in your writing to see how you can use it. Don't look to another poet for that effect.

Natyr Lucio:

Don't look to another poet for that effect.

What? Sorry, I understand everything ... and agree with a majority of it... but this. I wrote it.