Life's Whisper

It's laughing when nobody told a joke
It's singing when there's no song
It's taking the time to breathe fresh air
It's knowing the difference betwen right and wrong

It's crying when your not sad
It's dancing when there's no beat
It's reading till 2AM
It's swimming in the summer heat

It's painting without the canvas
It's papercuts without the blood
It's playing when there's no game
It's getting dirty when there's no mud

It's running with kite's without the wind
It's putting a smile on a young child's face
It's volunteering at the local hospital
It's letting your brother win the race

It's yawning and frowning, and shopping ad jumping
It's truth and it's lies, it's love and it's hate
It's funeral flowers and it's wedding bells
It's life's whisper and we all can relate

Hi Jasmine!! Welcome to YWS! My name's dianne!!
Okay, let me get started.

I. Nitpicks

It's laughing when nobody told a joke
It's singing when there's no song
It's taking the time to breathe fresh air
It's knowing the difference betwe#FF0000 ">en right and wrong

It's crying when you#FF0000 ">'r#FF0000 ">e not sad
It's dancing when there's no beat [I'm not so sure this line works so well, maybe it'd work better as "tune" instead of "beat", but I see there's rhyme, so?]
It's reading till 2AM
It's swimming in the summer heat

It's painting without the canvas [I just really like this line, and the one that follows.]
It's papercuts without the blood
It's playing when there's no game
It's getting dirty when there's no mud

It's running with kite's without the wind [Maybe it'd work better rephrased like "It's flying kites without the wind" instead of this.]
It's putting a smile on a young child's face
It's volunteering at the local hospital [Take out "local", perhaps?]
It's letting your brother win the race

It's yawning and frowning, and shopping a#FF0000 ">nd jumping
It's truth and it's lies#FF0000 ">; it's love and it's hate
It's funeral flowers and it's wedding bells
It's life's whisper and we all can relate

II. Overall

Overall, this is a good poem. I like the idea behind it, mainly. There are a lot of moments that I like to call "freeze frames" in this poem, which is good. Your conventions weren't that well, but nothing to bad. I liked how you bring the end together to talk how everyone can relate to these moments. Very nice. Sometimes your wording was off, something not to drastic if you change it. I liked it. Wonderful job.
-dianne

dianne cleaned up all the grammatical stuffs, which means less work for me.

jasminebells wrote:It's reading till 2AM

try this

jasminebells wrote:It's reading until two a.m.

Besides that, and comments above me, I enjoyed this piece. It definitely had a universal feel; there was at least a handful of lines that all of us could relate to.
great job and keep rhyming.
~empress

Hi Jasmine!

Normally, these repetitive poems with the same style repeating over and over again annoy me, but I actually liked this! It was cool and I liked how it flowed. My main bone to pick would be the last stanza... after so much activity, it seemed kind of a let-down when you said we could all relate. I was hoping for more, or maybe for a more climatic ending, if that makes sense.

Still, good job! Keep on writing.

Hey Jasmine!

The thing about repetitive poems like this is that it loses a lot of its surprise element, and, unfortunately, it loses some of the things that make a poem interesting. After a while, I knew exactly where this poem was going, so I jumped ahead to the last line. The problem is that soon you're not focusing on the poem itself, but instead focusing on this one pattern (in this case, "It's _____") and trying to build the poem around a set of rules. And soon it seems like you're just grasping for something that fits your pattern, instead of actually letting inspiration hit you and letting the poem flow.

If you really want to stick with the pattern you've set up, I'd suggest you avoid lines like "it's truth and lies, it's love and hate" because here you just list words with no meaning behind them. Explain how life is like truth and lies, and love and hate.

All in all, good start! You have some interesting oxymoron-ish sentences that I enjoyed. PM me if you need anything!

Hello! Welcome!

I really enjoyed this! Much like the Snoinkosaur, repetitive poems do drill on me, and before this got bad, it got interesting, so I enjoyed it! I think it could be improved by expanding more on each of these, or just some. It's good as it stands, but I'm wondering what significance it has to you.


June