the walrus sings at midnight

The walrus sings at midnight,
in a shiny moon-shot glade.
And though the notes are gentle,
they tell a romancing escapade.
A girl once love a lad here,
A love so young and true.
He sang to her of his heartbreak,
To warn both me and you.
And when the song climaxed,
a chorus rung in the air.
Spiders told me to tap-dance,
to lightly, slightly tap-dance,
right then and right there.
And away I danced in the moonlight,
listening all the way,
to the walrus singing at midnight,
in a shiny, moon-shot glade.

I loved your poem, really whimsical while still feeling meaningful, sad and joyous all at once.

</3icanbefixed wrote:Then spiders told me to tap-dance,
to lightly, slightly tap-dance,
right then and right there.

the THEN can be omitted from the first line.
Besides that, a fantastic job. I loved it.
Keep on writing poetry,
the universe

Ok, wow! I loved it! It reminded me of a fairytale, what with the whimsical-ness and the merryment, and the animals doing stuff they shouldn't logically be able to do! (You know what, now would be a good time for a dancing pink elephant! )

</3icanbefixed wrote:When a girl once loved a lad,
a love so young and so true.
He sang about heartbreak,
to warn me and to warn you.

That was my favorite part! I think that's where the fairytale connection formed. And it just has a certain bittersweet quality to it that I absolutely loved. Fantastic poem, and a very unique idea!

~Becki

That is a weeeeird poem.

But very poetic. I have no idea what it's about, and it does sound rather whimsical, but wow. Very interesting. It might be just the formatting, but as it is, it seems to all be kind of smooshed together, which made my eyes jump for the end of one line to the beginning of the other pretty fast. So instead of having a whimsical flow to match the whimsical poem, it felt like reading Brahm's lullaby to the pace of speed racer.

Regarding content... I have absolutely no idea. Interesting! Very pretty sounding. Sounds like something from a Thomas kinkade painting Pretty, mystical, dream like almost. So well done on that.

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. It's beautiful and fresh. The unusual image at the start instantly drew me in, and the rhyme is very effective throughout. I love the repetition of the glade image at the end as it concludes the poem nicely and makes it really smooth.

The rhythm is a little bumpy in places, so I'd read it aloud so you can see where it jerks a bit. For example, I'd shorten the fourth line and cut "to" before "warn you"

I like the spiders.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hello!

That was a great poem, nice and refreshing and original! I thought that the rhyme really worked throughout particualarly with the repetition of the first two lines at the end.

The rhythm was a little disjointed in places paticularly here...

they tell about a romancing escapade

This line was just a little long and it took me a couple of times reading it to get the correct rhythm, maybe you could tweak it a little

Other than this I loved it! I paticularly liked the whimsical nature of this poem, well done!

Keep Writing
~Lydia

I really like this poem - it's interesting and original. I think it would be even better if you could make all the lines relatively the same length, just so it flows better and keeps the tempo up, and also if the rhyming could be a little more consistent. That's all really though; I really like the images you've conjoured up, of the walrus and the spiders, etc. Very nice.

I don't know why, but this reminds me of "The Highwayman"
by Alfred Noyes. The rhythm isn't quite the same
but could be edited to fit.

When a girl once loved a lad,
a love so young and so true.
He sang about heartbreak,
to warn me and to warn you

Right here! You should rewrite it so it reads,

"A girl once love a lad here,
A love so young and true.
He sang to her of his heartbreak,
To warn both me and you."

That is only my idea, but please try it!

haha you won't believe this but I actually was inspired to write this after reading 'The Highwayman'! ...In the moonlight, in the moonlight, in the moonlight...

Pecan! I loves you! haha okay, on to the review.

So I really like this. I love the title especially. It reminded me of the Beatles.

But, it also reminded me of a camp song. I worked at a camp for little children over the summer, and this totally sounded like a song we would teach them. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing for you, but it isn't really a good thing for me. You need to make this less childish in a way. Like "spiders telling you to tap dance" isn't really a line that an award winning poem would sport.

I think it's cute and highly original!

Keep writing!

Classy