Hues of Blue

Lichens fly in shades of blue,
out the nest and over you.
Sunshine sculpts and feeds their young,
you try to shout, they coat your tongue.


Parasitic and taking your skin,
cold, translucent, paper thin.
You gaze up to the sky and wonder,
how could it rain without thunder?


If you can't guess what it's about (which is bad on my part) check here

Spoiler

Depression

Hey there, RedBird here for a review!

Okay, for the most part, I'd say that I enjoyed this poem. The rhyming, I think, worked well, and your rhythm usually stayed on track. However, there were some major detrimental areas that kind of ruined the effect of the poem.

In the first stanza, I'm a bit confused (although that may just be me ).

"Sunshine sculpts and feeds their young,"

The sunshine sculpts and feeds whose young? The lichens? I just couldn't figure that out. As I said though, that may just be me.

Lastly, the rhythm was off at the end of the second stanza. The first two lines of that stanza fit with the rhythm of the rest of the poem (in other words they had the same lilt as the other lines). The last two lines, however, did not really match the rhythm at all. Read it out loud, and you'll see what I mean.

Sorry if that was a harsh review! I didn't mean it to be that way, just helpful.

~RedBird

Hi there! I quite like your poem. The rhyming scheme is good and it flows well. It also sounds wonderfully melancholy at the end. However, the only thing I'm uncertain about is the fact that you have written it in second person. This is difficult to do, and I don't know if other people feel the same, but to me personally, it feels like you're telling me things about myself that aren't true, and it makes me feel a little defensive. If it's directed at a certain person, that's fine, but to other people it might not have the same impact, so that's just something to keep in mind. Also, the meaning isn't very obvious (to me, at least) but that's okay! The great thing about poems is that a lot of them can be interpreted in different ways, and I can see now how you have portrayed your meaning, but the fact that if you hadn't given the definition I might have considered it to represent something else, makes it even better. Good job.

I wrote this review but, by mysterious machinations of yws, It was deleted, or something.
Anyways,
I agree with Matt about the second person thing-- though you seem to mean a sort of universal you, it comes off as an in-your-face-you. But it's not a pressing or dominate problem; it's barely a hindrance.

KatTrain wrote:Lichens fly in shades of blue,
out of the nest and over you.
Sunshine sculpts and feeds their young,
you try to shout, they coat your tongue.

I really like this stanza. The first line is a definite hook.

KatTrain wrote:You gaze up to the sky and wonder,
how could it rain without thunder?

these lines are admittedly a little off-beat but I love them.
As for the thought of depression-- i really felt it in these last two lines. The first stanza had anticipation, maybe fear-- not really depression.
I only mention it because you did at the beginning of your poem. It's subtly depressing, not overt and artless like some other things out there.
All in all, I loved this piece. Great work
**The Universe***

Hey, Kattrain!

Very nice and interesting poem you have here. I actually can't really find anything wrong or anything to critique about this except for one part that bugs me.

Sunshine sculpts and feeds their young,

Who's young, exactly? It just doesn't seem to make sense.

Otherwise, it's an interesting way to describe depression, I think. Very good poem.

Best of wishes and luck to you, and keep writing!

~Firearris

Hey, Train.

For once, we have an innovative approach to an overused theme. I commend you on that - the amount of angsty and whiny poems about sadness or depression or whatever just bores me to death. So well done! Lovely interpretation.

However, the interpretation in itself seems a bit random. I can't see a real link between all the ideas your throwing in, as if you're moving on from one pretty image (and they were very pretty) to another without really bonding them. Sure, the rhythm did this successfully, but there's more to a poem. Part of me feels that this needs to be a little longer - depression takes time both to enter and to recover from, with symptoms too complicated to be condensed so much.

The first stanza is week in comparison to the second, which appears to be more rhythmic. The opening is too vague - there needs to be a little direction towards a theme to begin with, otherwise it comes across as random. I'm not saying to spell everything out, but to perhaps use some darker descriptions? Just suggestions - it's difficult to do, but try playing around with different opens. Like Matt said, literature is about interpretation, not a sole theme - the reason I bring the opening up is because it leads onto different interpretations then, in my opinion, make it a little clearer towards the end, if that makes sense, which almost goes against what a reader may have considered at the start.

Sorry if I rambled too much. =D But! Excellent poem. Let me know if you've any questions I might be able to help with.

Best
Blinky

Hey Kat! Welcome to YWS!

The spoiler part ruined it for me. xD Every time I started to read the poem, I would get attracted to that silly spoiler tag. Me? ADD? Never!

Okay, seriously now! I like the subtlety. Too often, people write those, "I'M DEPRESSED" poems which are just annoying. So it was nice to see someone trying out imagery and stuff to describe something... very poetic of you! So good job!

Now, what you need to try next is to make it seem more connected. Your second stanza is excellent. Your first stanza? Not so much. So see if you can use similar imagery and stuff in the first stanza so that the second stanza seems to complete that image rather than to outshine it.

Good luck with your poem!

Thanks, all of y'all

It was sculpting and feeding the 'lichens' young, but i see where that is confusing.
Great critiques, i'll work this over

Kat!

I'm with Blink and Snoink here. I do agree that you did a well job with giving a common theme a read of interest, and really, you did do a good job. I'm just not sure how it all fits together -- I mean, you have these puzzle pieces and they are not connecting well in my mind; I think you need to improve this. Connect these better -- while it's good, I want to see more connection, more blueness. These things coating your tongue? Are they sunshine, or are they lichens, or something else entirely? What significance does this have to depression, dearie? Ask yourself these questions and try to parallel all of this together in manner that suits it well.

Finally, don't worry about rhyme. I often recommend writing your heart out and later coming back and adding rhyme, because rhyme is more a crutch holding you back than a wheelchair moving you forward.

June