(Untitled)

It's really untitled, so if you can think of any titles, please by all means share it. Also, I was wondering whether the ending is just right or lacking. I don't have anything to add yet but I'm still unsure of the ending. Please critique Thank you for reading.

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We had it best, the two of us.

Until it was gone with the wind's gust.

I cried, cried, and cried some more.

I thought of suicide like never before.

***

Time and time again I remembered you.

Sweet and bitter memories of us two.

My heart could no longer take it.

Took a knife; to my wrist I slit.

***

Tears of red poured from within.

I feared; more tears ran down my chin.

I looked at the blade, my skin it sliced.

"It cut the wrong flesh" this I realized.

***

I saw you with that whore at that motel.

Your friend told me you told him to never tell.

I was crazy for crying over you.

In the end, you never felt the same way too.

***

I gave everything, oh everything to you.

My heart, my body, my soul too.

I did the things you asked me to do.

No matter how disgusting, just for you.

***

I raged and raged more and more.

Your face had become an eyesore.

I despised every inch of you.

Like my wrist, I'll cut you too.

***

I called and told you I wanted you.

I begged and wept 'til you came to.

I hanged the phone, I breathed deep.

I smiled; your lies will no longer seep.

***

The ending was a little confusing to me; you begged him and then hung up on him and smiled because his lies will no longer affect you? I didn't really understand that stanza.

anima9 wrote:I raged and raged more and more.

Your face had become an eyesore.

I despised every inch of you.

Like my wrist, I'll cut you too.

This was my favorite stanza. The last line is a little awkward, probably because of the too and/or the clause "Like my wrist." This should be reworded slightly.
I feel like you had to make a lot of sacrifices in this piece to make it rhyme; as a result it gets really confusing at times.
Deviating from that; the content of your story is pretty typical. It feels like every other melodramatic poem about break-ups. Why don't you try to add something new to this piece; change the story up?
And lastly; I feel like this is a lot, a lot of tell and not very much show.
I'm sorry if that was a harsh critique
I didn't mean it to be. Just remember that practice makes perfect, and the next time you go to make a poem, keep these things in mind.
TITLE: either something really, really simple like "Heartbreak" or something melodramatically lyrical like "Sorrowful Symphonies of the Soul."
It fits the piece.
xxooxx
THe Universe

lol i guess if there was an excuse, it would be that i really suck at showing .-.

and yes, the ending really had me confused too LOL and maybe i did have a lot of sacrifices for it to rhyme.

thanks. my love goes to you

First of all, I really liked it, but it does need some work. I agree with Empress; you really did have to sacrifice a lot to make it rhyme. Personally, I don't find rhyme so important. I think you should only rhyme the words where they fit really well and don't cause the poem to lose anything it might have had, like right here:

anima9 wrote:I cried, cried, and cried some more.

I thought of suicide like never before.

However, you should just forget the rhyming when you have an opportunity to provide a brilliant picture, like here:

anima9 wrote:I looked at the blade, my skin it sliced.

"It cut the wrong flesh" this I realized.

The phrase "this I realized" really disrupted the flow for me. I feel like you could have gotten a much more vivid picture with something like "It cut the wrong flesh, you deserved this pain." Although, it should be a lot more eloquent and poetry-like. I don't know much about poetry, and, as is made obvious by that horrid line, I definitely can't write it, but my goal wasn't to write the line for you, it's to show you that you can totally drop the rhyming for something a lot better. As long as it helps paint a picture, people will easily forgive the lack of rhyme, or not even notice it.

Also, I believe the end did lack something. First of all, it shouldn't be "hanged the phone." That's grammatically incorrect (unless you're talking about putting the phone in a noose, which somehow I doubt ). It should be phrased "hung up the phone." Also, I didn't really get the last line. It just didn't make sense to me. I think you would do a lot better just rewriting the last stanza. It's another instance where you would do a lot better to either just forget rhyme, or, if you really like the rhyming, change the substance of the stanza to something you can rhyme without confusing the reader. Either way, I suggest bringing up the "wind's gust" again. I really liked that line and I think it would make a nice, full-circle type ending. If you decide to do that, then perhaps the poem can simply be titled "Wind's Gust."

Of course, these are just suggestions, but I think they can make your poem a lot better. And I'm sorry I was so vague about some things. I'm really not a poetry writer, so I don't really know enough about the mechanics of it to really give exact advice on how to change it. All I can help with is how it sounds to me. I think you're off to a really great start, though, and I'm extremely sorry if I was too harsh or anything. Feel free to PM me if you need me to clarify anything.

~Becki

Just to re-emphasize a bit, poetry doesn't need to rhyme. It does, however, need to be poetic.If you sacrifice the latter for the sake of the former, it's not really that good of a deal. At all.

Something else to point out is you're dealing with a very emotional topic. Which can be really excellent, can be very powerful... but you need to do it justice for it to become that awesome bit of work that you want it to be.

One place to start would be to cut back a bit on the telling and give a bit more on the showing. Right now you tell us that the MC thinks of suicide now like never before... but those are emotionless words on their own. They mean very little, have very little impact. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how they feel and try to feel it yourself. Now try to describe that feeling to someone who has never felt it before in their life. Use words and terms they can understand so that they can feel it too and relate with the character, so that they can be impacted by your poem like they should be.

Nothing really stood out to me in this poem, I've read a lot of poems like this, and I'll read a lot more- love leaves, and they're heartbroken.

Since most poetry is based off of emotions, and many people feel like that, you read a lot of similar poems. But it wasn't all that bad, I really liked some parts, but just remember it doesn't always have to rhyme .

Also let me just say that if you are self harming, please please please, talk to someone, don't keep it to yourself, if you need to you can even PM me, okay?