Time in a Bottle

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Just a little something I had lying around my computer. The result of an idea for a story than never really panned out.

He held the little bottle of pills in his old, trembling hands.
Let them think there is no cure, they had said.
Let them think there is no hope.
Let them think that they have no time left.
Let them think that they will die.

There it was. That word. Die. Death. Darkness. The harbinger of peace, the end.
He shivered in spite of himself. It was this place, the memories lying thick all around him. The echoing screams that still reverberated in some back part of his skull. The way the decaying flesh had fallen to the ground.
But of course, this is how it was supposed to be. Everything went as planned.
Didn’t it? The shadow of doubt fled across his consciousness.
He no longer had any reason to think of should have’s and might have been’s. Too old for murmured regrets and fleeting wishes. Too late for any of that now.
Anger. Just a flash. The forgotten emotion trickled down his forehead, leaving fiery eyes and a poisoned grimace to betray the emotions better left unfelt.
His gaze flickered to the single building still standing in this sea of sand, shattered concrete and fallen timbers. It touched the sky, the glassy windows reflecting the filmy light filtered through from the dark red sun, through the deteriorating ozone layer. Or was it thickening? He shrugged off the thought. His mind was too tired to hesitate on technicalities. He didn’t care for them much anymore. Leave it to the ones up there, he thought, staring once more at the tall office-like building, the last of its kind. The modern world had been taken over by a raging storm that left almost nothing in its wake. He looked out onto the crumbs of the city: rusty metal poles, and a few sheets of paper flying up in the season-less breeze.
It was rare to find any of that these days. Almost everything resembling something man-made had been long destroyed. All of the history books, erased. Lost to a time never to be remembered.
He himself sat in the shadow of his own mud-hut, the pills in the bottle rattling furiously as his hand shook, wild with anxiety. It took him a while, but he finally opened the lid, carefully, and took out one of the tiny, baby blue capsules. FOY were the only letters stamped onto the pill, besides the serial number. 9912854.
He popped the pill in his mouth, swallowed, and waited a moment for the pills to take effect. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. He could no longer stomach seeing his hands smooth out to the state of those of a young adult. Could no longer watch as his stomach tightened, muscles binding, fat dissolving. Didn’t want to feel his sagging face lift, his vision become clearer, his hearing more precise.
He didn’t want any of this. But he didn't want to die, either. It was one of the other, and the prospect of living forever, although frightening, had it's own dangerous appeal. It brought forth now vague memories of stories told about deals with the Devil. In them, people would often trade anything to stay away from death. Mankind never really learned from those stories, he realized. Hadn't they all ended in an onslaught of unbearable consequence?
When he felt the change was over, completed, he looked through his bright new eyes to the bottom of the bottle. There, three more pills lay, the equivalent to three more lifetimes. Life in a bottle, he thought, mildly amused. The Fountain of Youth. FOY. There had been seventy-five pills in the bottle when he started. Seventy-five hundred years was a long time for someone to live, and he felt that he may not even ask for a re-fill once he ran out. He could feel the weight of his years bearing down upon his now muscular shoulders, the concept of time a mere figment of a whisper drifting through his ears. Time meant nothing in a world without end. That was one of the first things he had learned.
Last edited by skl02134 on Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The key to every locked heart is commonly found hiding within little insecurities.




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Verrry interesting. The one small error that I caught was where you said "the last
of it's kind". It's is a contraction; "its" means "belonging to it."
Otherwise, I think you could easily turn this into a longer story.




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Wow! I love the dramatic use of sentence fragments and the plethora of metaphors! This short story definitely leaves the reader yearning for more. You're idea here is amazing and the execution is admirable. I do see a handful of grammatical adjustments I would like to suggest, though I am no expert myself.

"still sanding in this sea" should probably read "Still standing in this sea"

"He didn’t care for them much anymore" I feel like this would be a smoother read if adjusted to "He didn't much care for them anymore"

"almost nothing in its’ wake" Is the ' needed here?

"ended in a onslaught" Should be "ended in an onslaught"

I hope this review helps! Keep writing :)
Last edited by RedSmiles on Fri Jan 01, 2010 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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woah... this is great! definitely a story worth continuing.




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I like the idea, and you descriptions in the first half were absolutely beautiful. But I disagree with caytlin. I think that you should leave it there. You've made your point, info dumped very subtely, but dumped your concept on us none the less, and then made a pwoerful statement.
That's it, and that's what I think is all it should be.
Only suggestion would be to make /seventy-five hundred years/, /seven and a half thousand years/ because it sounds neater to me. Like... if you think in thousands of years, the egyptians were 5500 BC, or soemthing of the like. that's seven and a half thousand years ago, and your story is 7.5 thousand in the future. kind of... a nice middle point to someone who thinks about it. But would you say the egyptians started building pyramids seventy five hundre years ago? I don't know, maybe you would.

But yeah! GREAT story. Love the descriptions, love the concept. *STAR*
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Extremely interesting story. I'm curious, are you planning to do more with it?

On the pills, how far back do they age? I'm guessing they stop at their twenties, but what's to stop them from going back to their early teens? I'm guessing it has something to do with the body being fully mature and the pills reverting them back only as far as their prime, when their body systems were functioning at their fullest abilities. 75 Lifetimes, eh? Very interesting concept.

Regarding the MC, well done on not having a flat character. Usually in a story like this, where it's just one scene, it can be hard to give the character any bit of depth. Especially in scenes like these, where they're quiet and thoughtful. The 'but he didn't want to die' lie did a decent job of countering that. It's something we can all relate to, something where, if we were standing in his shoes, we would think, too. We can see ourselves thinking his same thoughts and doing his same actions. Excellent job with making him human.

I apologise that this critique wasn't very helpful in the 'how to improve' field, but it was such an interesting scene that I wanted to tell you so. Well done.
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Thanks for all the great reviews, everyone! I fixed the little grammatical things.

Dreamer- I'm still not sure if I want to continue with this or not. This was one of the ideas I had a while ago whilst writing another story, so I wasn't able to continue it right then I still remember some of the ideas I had for it, so I think I might expand on it sometime... or, at the very least, try to. But I don't think I'm going to do anything with it in the very immediate future.

As for the pills, you're pretty much accurate in the whole aging-back-to-their-prime deal. Probably around 20, give or take a year. Another think to kind of fill in a loophole would be that you can't take another pill until you've lived another 100 years. So basically, everyone ages until they're about 120, then go back to 20 with the pills (with future technology and improvements in certain medicines, they are able to function properly at that extended age while having, at the very least, the mobility of a 60-year-old).
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^^ The expected lifespans for humans has only gone up with technology and hygiene. 120 should definitely be possible in the future. Once upon a time, the average lifespan was 30, after all. And I was wondering about that. What was to stop people from taking the pill the moment they began to age and get older, rather than waiting the full length. Perhaps an OD? But that would probably require something along the lines of a [much] slower metabolism to make the pill stay in the system for a good century, and one of the things we youthful folk are often teased over is how high our metabolism is. I chalked it up to common sense, though. you'd get more bank for your buck if you spaced the pills out as much as you could, yes? Perhaps to add to this incintitave, you could have the limit be one bottle per person, no refills, or perhaps put the cap somewhere at one, two, maybe three of them.

However, if they had slow metabolic rates to that extreme, it would cut down the resource consumption, and if you had a significant number of the population living well into their thousands then that would definitelly be a must. It would also probably need to have a sterilizing side effect, lest the planet became overwhelmingly overpopulated. Very interesting things, these pills. Even if you don't continue on with this story, you could always use the concept of the pills in another.
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Haha wow. You're going more in depth with this that I had... Let me brainstorm for a bit.

The thing that keeps them from taking a pill the second they start to age would be that either a) It automatically makes you go back 100 years, regardless. So, if you took the pill at 99 years, you would disappear... so, theoretically they could take the pill at 101, but who would want to be a one-year-old? Going back to being 20 is a good medium. Past adolescence, which can be tricky. Too young and you might lose your memories (I'm starting to think of what happened to Benjamin Button when he got too young. There's that point where if you went back to that period of development, you would grow up to be an entirely different person). I guess that if you wanted to take a pill at 115 to go back to age 15... well, theoretically, you could. Let's just say for the sake of the story my person takes the pill at age 120.
I lost my 'or' somewhere back there, but
or b) The pill will only work after the other pill is completely out of your system, which is 100 years later. Then, you could either say that the pill takes you back 100 years (which would still make it possible to take the pill at 130 or so) or it would just bring you back to that set, peak age, 20 years old.

Also, as for limiting the bottles... I'm not sure. I haven't fully developed the idea, but my thought was that the government selected a couple million people to give these pills to, then either killed off the rest or just let them die naturally. So, it's basically keeping a single 'perfect' generation for the rest of Earth's existence. Another idea to brainstorm- Why did they pick them? I was thinking either by intelligence or who, at the time, was most likely to be helpful in maintaining/improving the health of the earth. I think the latter (of which intelligence could have also been a factor in selecting...) would be more relevant to now, which makes it for an interesting topic to write about, given the whole green movement and what not. Back to the point though- limiting the bottles would, in that case, be unnecessary because, to maintain this perfect civilization, no one would be allowed to have children... So the population would always stay the same, maybe a death once in a while from a random accident...

Wow. haha I'm getting really into this. It's interesting fleshing all these ideas out. I may just have to end up writing this...
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That would work. ^^ And the 'why them?' sparked something else to think about. Why any one at all? Was this just some move for a Utopian world? Or was there something bigger going on, some disaster that would see to it that a majority of the planet's population was wiped out, and so, to preserve those left alive, or to preserve a certain number of people to last for after the catastrophe was over? If something closer to the former, how did they keep the 'lesser's from continuing to re-populate the world with their inferior genes? You hint at something that had happened before at the very beginning of this story, and I'm very curious about it. How did they come to be in the situation they are in now? I interpreted it to be some sort of plague that they lied about the cure for. Said there was none, while slipping the pills to these others.

If you're going for Utopian, you could always take the basic intelligence/physical fitness model. You might also throw in physical appearance, as Hitler did. A sort of rubric, if you will.
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Living forever? Utopia? Not to accuse you of plagiarism or anything, but that's been done already. here: http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/i ... mmortality
Sorry to be Mr. Raincloud, but it just caught my attention. Granted, that story uses an injection, whereas you have it in the form of pills.
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I have no doubt something similar has been done before, Jenthura. However, with creative characters and situations one could make the story their own.

I don't think its a Utopia, though. The image I got when writing was barren.

I think it's going to end up being that someone decided that advances in modern science were ultimately killing our planet, so they made a plan to destroy anything new and start over without using artificial means (For created houses, for example. In my story I said he was by his 'mud-hut'). The people were then chosen, maybe, on survival skills as well, and innovation. Their ability to make something out of nothing, but still veering away from the modern conveniences from before.

It may have started with a plague, though. Maybe something caused by modern advancements? Haha I could go with a supervirus... but that's been played out, surely.
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"The Stand" By Stephen King. It's an amazing, and extremely long, book. The government accidentally releases a super flu that kills 99% of our population. The survivors are just, somehow, genetically immune. But King has no miraculous VOY pill or panacea.

Though variations of your ideas here have been used before, that's probably only because they're good ideas! And I feel like your particular idea is amazingly creative and has immense potential. I would be very excited to see how its expansion turned out.
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Hey skl02134 , PenNPaper here.

I think your story is off to a great start. it's very realistic and interesting too.
I don't quite get you when you say a sea of sand, is the setting in a desert?

Other than that, it was a good read, i do hope you will continue the story.

Well then, bye for now, Ciao! :D




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RedSmiles- I'm actually reading "The Stand" right now! It really is very good. Stephen King's not my *favorite* author, but I do like his work a lot.

PenNPaper- I guess I didn't really portray it quite right, but the image in my head was the remains of new york city in sand. Just think of a whole sea of sand and a bunch of debris, and in the center a pristine, out-of-place skyscraper (Empire State Building, perhaps?). Then, a mile or so away, a few mud-huts are scattered here and there. Hence the 'sea of sand' would be the passage in between the dwellings and the skyscraper. I know that I explained absolutely none of that in my story, but that's how I pictured it, if it helps at all.
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