The First Christmas (1)

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‘Christian, it’s a no. You need to do your chores.’
Christian Scott sighed as he glanced down at the empty knapsack which he had gotten ready, knowing that it would never be filled. Of course his father would never understand. Why had he even bothered to ask?
The matter had begun earlier that day. Christian on his way home from the general store when he saw a hungry young child dressed in nothing but torn rags. He didn’t even want to contemplate how the child could have survived in such frigid weather. Christian had guessed that the child was on the brink of death.
‘Father,’ he pleaded, trying one last time, ‘It’s almost Christmas, and I believe that the children of town could use some gifts. We have more money than any of them. In times like these, we should share it.’ Christian’s father was Timothy Scott, a farmer, famous in their province of Nova Scotia for growing maple trees that produced the best maple syrup anyone had ever tasted.
‘I said no. Even though we’re better off than most other people, it doesn’t mean that we’re rich,’ said Mr. Scott, his voice stern. He paused for a moment. ‘Have you fed Rudolph today?’
‘Not yet. I’ll do that now.’ Christian had a feeling that his father was kicking him out of the house, but he didn’t care. He needed time alone with Rudolph, his pet deer that had been his seventeenth birthday present. No matter what the circumstances were, Rudolph was always happy to see him.
Christian swung open the front door, taking in the view. The sprawling farm he lived in sported a fantastic view of the small town below. The sky was crystal white, and Christian had noticed there was a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. He began to make his way towards the pen where all the animals were kept. Thankfully, it wasn’t far, and Rudolph looked overjoyed to see him.
‘Hello there,’ said Christian, grinning as he tried to quiet the deer. ‘Would you like some food?’
Rudolph happily bobbed his head in agreement.
‘There there,’ said Christian calmly, getting a bucket of carrots from the nearby stable. Rudolph seemed surprised perhaps wondering what he had done to deserve such a treat.
‘Well,’ Christian explained, ‘my father wouldn’t let me use some of his money to buy gifts for the poorer children in our neighborhood. For the sake of Christmas, I would like to at least make someone’s day better.’ He finished his sentence with a smile.
With that, Rudolph nearly yanked the bucket of carrots from his owner’s hands, wolfing the food down as if he hadn’t eaten in years.
‘Hello.’
The voice startled Christian. He hadn’t realized that there was anyone else behind him. He turned, viewing a girl with caramel curls and large, aqua green eyes. She was wearing a light blue coat, the edges lined with fur. He knew the girl; it was Jacqueline Hart, his neighbor and a friend who had gone to the same schoolhouse as him from first through eighth grade. Christian wondered what she was doing here.
Jacqueline must have seen his expression. ‘I need to buy some of your father’s delicious maple syrup. We just ran out, and my mother wants to make flapjacks tomorrow morning.’
‘I could get you some,’ said Christian.
‘That would be perfect,’ said Jacqueline with a smile.
‘Follow me,’ said Christian quietly. They walked for a few minutes in silence, through the beautiful snow-capped wonders of the farm. Christian had always thought his hometown was prettiest in the wintertime.
‘Are you alright?’ Jacqueline asked, noticing the slouched expression and quiet tone of her friend. Christian sighed, not wanting to reveal the argument he had had with this father.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Are you sure?’ Jacqueline raised an eyebrow, not convinced. She twirled a stand of her hair, gazing down at the ground.
Christian didn’t have the time to answer her question, because they had come to the tiny shack on the edge of the farm where the jars of maple syrup were kept.
‘How many bottles do you want?’ He asked once they had entered. The storehouse was a small, dark cabin filled with nothing but shelves of bottles in assorted sizes.
‘I’ll have just one,’ said Jacqueline sweetly, with a smile.
‘Golly,’ said Christian. For some reason, he felt that as though he was in the middle of a dilemma. What if I chose one that went bad? He thought to himself.
Pull yourself together, Christian concluded, picking the largest jar he could find.
‘There,’ he said, handing it to her, ‘The big jars always carry the sweetest syrup.’ He winked, only faintly aware that he was blushing.
‘Your face is bright red, Christian,’ Jacqueline commented as she took the bottle.
‘Is it?’ He asked, touching his face. It was hot. ‘Well, take your syrup, I have chores to do.’
Jacqueline nodded, smiled and turned around. However, she hesitated, finally turning back to face Christian.
‘Hey, I almost forgot!’ She exclaimed. ‘I was going to ask you if you wanted to come to the church Christmas play in town with me tomorrow night.’
Christian blinked. He couldn’t believe what he just heard. Although he wanted to go, he had a feeling that his father’s answer would be no. ‘Definitely,’ he said quietly, ‘Can you come here tomorrow, at the same time? Meet me at Rudolph’s pen.’ Even if he didn’t go, there was an idea forming in his head, and he wanted to tell Jacqueline about it.
She nodded, her curls bouncing behind her as she exited the shack.
Last edited by Elinor on Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Christian wason his way home from the general store when he saw a hungry young child dressed in nothing but torn rags.

I think you mean 'Christian was.'

He didn’t even want to contemplate how the child could have survived in such frigid weather.

So I found this sentence really awkward. I don't like the word contemplate there for one, and for two, I don't even think it belongs there. I thought Christian was a little kid, no?

Thankfully, it wasn’t far, and Rudolph looked overjoyed to see him.

Is Christian really thankful Rudolf is overjoyed to see him? I don't think so. I think these two subjects, the shed/shack not being far and Rudolf's joy.

‘Hello there,’ said Christian, grinning as he tried to quiet the deer. ‘Would you like some food?’

Can you explain to me what noises the deer is making? I didn't know deers made noise...

Rudolph seemed surprised perhaps wondering what he had done to deserve such a treat.

There should be a comma after surprised.

Overall, I really liked this! I can't wait to see what happens next.
I do not, however, like your ending. Don't you think leaving off with him having a surprise for this girl a little cliche?

I do like the girl though. She is outspoken but in a good way.
Hope I helped!
~Classy




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Hi there!

No nitpicks today--there were a couple of errors in the beginning, but nothing a good going-over wouldn't cure.

Oh, wait, there is one nitpick:

The sky was crystal white


I, personally, have never seen a crystal white sky. The closest it gets is pale blue or grey, in my experience.

Ok: Overall, I like this. It flows fairly well, and you have fairly good description. However, it is a bit predictable. Where did he get this deer named Rudolph? And when is this set? How is this fantasy? Oh wait, I think I know where this is going. :)

Besides this, my biggest comment is character. Christian isn't at all unique so far, and shows very little originality in the way he thinks. Jacqueline is better, but not by much, and his father is known only as a mean, stingey scrooge. :) Christian is entirely too good-two-shoes, which could be a flaw, but only if it is viewed as a flaw. Is he unable to make good descisions about what is right and wrong? Does he put others before himself to an unhealthy extreme? Does he have any flaws?

Oh, and this is un-related, but I don't think maple syrup actually goes bad. Some mold can grow in it, but it doesn't actually harm the syrup, and can just be skimmed off. Thus, his concern would be un-founded. That said, correct me if I am mistaken. ;)

Tell me when you post more and I'll be happy to review it. ;)

~Lupis




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It was very good I would like to see what happens next, although I would like a description of what Christian Looks like.You provided no description of him.
Follow your bliss.-J.Campbell




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Hi Elinor,

I enjoyed the many Christmas references in this piece. Finding them is like a treasure hunt! Rudolph and the Scrooge references might be obvious, but Christian’s first name is hiding in plain sight -- I didn’t get the reference until just a few moments ago.

I was a little wary of Christian at first because his opening paragraph makes him sound exactly like a type of teenage character I hate -- the self-centred whiner who refuses to do housework and blames their parents for making them. The fact that what Christian actually wanted was to go on a little gift-giving spree subverted my expectations hard, and I started to like him again.

The writing here is readable, but not especially exciting. I thought you could do a little more with description here. You tend to tell us how beautiful everything is (“fantastic view”, “beautiful snow-capped wonders”, etc) but the description itself doesn’t convey that same beauty. I think part of the problem here is that the verbs you use to describe are quite bland, and that inevitably saps some of the excitement. For example, instead of “The sky was crystal white”, you could go for “The pale sky glittered like a sheet of crystal” -- or anything that gets a stronger verb in there. Beware filtering phrases like “Christian noticed” and “Christian thought”, which also detract from the power of the description.

The dialogue is a little clunky as well. I’m trying to picture people actually saying these lines, and I’m thinking they sound quite stiff: for example, “Father, I believe that the children of town could use some gifts”. You might like to go over the dialogue a few times and read it aloud to yourself. The dialogue tags are a little overdone at times as well. Also, just a quick idea, I wonder if Christian might be better off focusing on the specific child he saw in his argument. The specific is more compelling than the abstract, and so it’s natural to use that as a persuasive tactic. Just a tiny thing that’s dinging my radar.

Not quite sure if you’re aiming for an 1800s Dickensian “A Christmas Carol” flavour here. The story is obviously Dickens-inspired and the era seems to be pre-Social Services -- is “eighth grade” appropriate for this time period? -- but the dialogue is quite slangy.

Finally, be careful of point of view violations. When you’re staying in Christian’s viewpoint, you can’t tell us what Jacqueline thinks of him.

Hope this helps. I hope that Christian is going to be a gift-giving ninja, sneaking around town dispersing illicit presents to the masses. :D

Cheers,
Karsten



Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin