Couples' Weekend (Chapter One)

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Chapter One
The school bell interrupted my history teacher’s lesson on the Neolithic Revolution, and as always, the students all rose at once as if an inner alarm went off a micro second before the actual bell rang. Everyone raced to the door as Mrs. Martin desperately tried to remind us that our essay on chapter 5 was due next week, but it was no use.
Why is it that the last period of the day always seemed the longest? I wondered as I pushed my way into the busy hallway. The last day of the week always reminded me of a vein, all the students being red blood cells going every which way trying to get to their next destination. I hurried down the stairs and took a short cut through the breezeway. My friends were waiting for me outside, Friday night and Mom’s away for the weekend!
I was greeted by a group of three as I found my way to the parking lot “Hey, girlfriend!” Pheonix said in his gay voice as he approached me, arms open looking for a hug.
“Wadduh, boy?” I asked as I fell into his arms laughing. After he released me from his bear hug we turned and walked over to our two best friends, Steve and Britt, who were both leaning up against the fence by the softball field.
“Hey Pheonix, Lyric. ” they said in unison, Steve tipping his Yankee hat in a greeting.
“What’s up, Steve?” I asked “ready for the couples’ weekend at my place?”
A mischevious smile spread across Steve’s face as he eyed Britt, who blushed knowing what was going through his head. “As hell, I am!” he replied with an amused laugh.
“Then what are we waiting for?” Pheonix exclaimed “Let’s go, Lyric, climb on” he bent over and I jumped onto his back with a running start and a giggle.
Britt rolled her eyes, smiled, and laced her fingers through Steve’s, Britt’s hair flew across her face as Pheonix ran down the path. We left them behind with me bouncing up and down on his back.
Last edited by xoxosprosty on Sun Dec 27, 2009 7:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
$pR0$tY!




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Ohai! =D
Ooooh. I sense trouble brewing. Well, the kind of trouble that her mum wouldn't like to hear about, not sure if it will bother them. =P
The school bell interrupted my history teacher’s lesson on the Neolithic Revolution, as always, the students all rose at once as if an inner alarm went off a micro second before the actual bell rang.

I think there should be an 'and' before 'as always'. =D

The last day of the week always reminded me of a vein, all the students being red blood cells going every which way trying to get to their next destination.

Oooh. Interesting metaphor. However, I would possibly switch it from being "reminded me of" to "was like". It seems to be a stronger metaphor, that way. But, that's up to you.
“Hey, girlfriend!” Pheonix said in his gay voice as he approached me, arms open looking for a hug.

His gay voice? why is it gay? Did his voice rise in pitch and was accompanied with stereotypical wrist flick? the description of a 'gay' voice is too general, and I thought for a moment that she was just insulting his voice. If I was in a ranty mood, I would point out that it is a stereotype, but because such things are common in school yard enviroments, I will spare you that. Just add some description, show us rather than tell us.

Hrmm. This isn't much to give me an opinion on the characters, yet. I like the small clues- the baseball cap, your main character's imagination comparisons. I am interested, and I see room for development as the story advances. =D

Your first part shows promise for an interesting conflict, resolution and background- which is what makes up a story, right? I would be interested to see how this pans out.

Overall, this is a decent, if short, snippet of what could be a great story. ^^ keep working on it, and listen to snoink, she's gold. XD

-Nutty
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




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Oh dear, I'm not sure if I like where this is going, lol! Highly scandalous! :D

Okay, so you asked me for some adviceso... here's a game which might be useful for you to do as you plan out your story! It's called "Fortunately/Unfortunately."

So here's how it goes:

FORTUNATELY Lyric's parents are out for the weekend, just when the four couples are ready to party.

UNFORTUNATELY [insert an obstacle here... maybe the mom is still home and goes nuts about the couple?]

FORTUNATELY [insert how they overcome this obstacle]

...and on and on it goes! Finally, toward the end, you make each obstacle bigger and bigger till they overcome it and BOOM! Happy ending.

Good luck with this story!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
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