Are we all gone?

This was the original but I redid some parts. I'll leave this but the one you should critique is lower and says "critique this one!"


There’s this flower I’ve seen,
Beautiful in every way.
Full of blues, greens, golds, and grey.
It blossoms one color for the day,
And pulsates through the night.
Like a breath, like a firefly’s light,
It pulsates through the night.

But the problem with this flower
Is that it must exist alone.
In company it turns white as bone,
And it’s silken petals transform to stone.
The oxygen it needs is stolen by this pest.
Like a punch in the chest,
The oxygen it needed was stolen by a pest.

I only ever saw it once
And then did not know what I’d seen
Only that it was beautiful and lean,
And that it made me feel serene.
It was gone the next day.
Like a tide in the bay,
It was forever gone the next day.

Hey there! Thought I would give you my take on your poem

First off, I really liked the first three lines as they were fluid and rhymed nicely and I especially liked the part about the colours. However, I think everything starts to break up once you introduce the idea of repetition as you've repeated the exact same line (more on that later).

And pulsates through the night.
Like a breath, like a firefly’s light,
It pulsates through the night.

The next stanza is my favourite and I like the imagery you have used here. However, I am only keen on the first four lines of this stanza.

But the problem with this flower
Is that it must exist alone.
In company it turns white as bone,
And it’s silken petals transform to stone.

Now the next part...

The oxygen it needs is stolen by this pest.
Like a punch in the chest,
The oxygen it needed was stolen by a pest.

Now, the repetition here, I'm afraid to say-- doesn't work. I think repetition is most effective when it's done in a more subtler way than straight repeating the line before word for word, like you've done here. I think you should try and keep some elements of the line you wish to repeat the same but change in turn change elements so it's different. (Matter of personal taste... but ya know...)

I only ever saw it once
And then did not know what I’d seen
Only that it was beautiful and lean,
And that it made me feel serene.
It was gone the next day.
Like a tide in the bay,
It was forever gone the next day.

Again, I don't think the repetition in the last part is effective as you have already told me it was gone the next day, so why do I need telling again? Remember, the idea of repetition is to emphasise and heighten ideas around/in the poem.

You paint a very nice picture, keep writing poems and maybe one day you'll find repetition may come naturally

PM me with any questions or if you want me to review any other work!

-Onyx

Hmm.. yeah.. I'm starting to think I should give up on the repetition thing for a while. I can't seem to make it work.. maybe I'll re-write the poem without it.

I re-did some things without the repetition. Critique this one!

There’s this flower I’ve seen,
Beautiful in every way.
Full of blues, greens, golds, and grey.
It blossoms one color for the day,
And pulsates through the night,
Like a breath, like a firefly’s light,
It beats with a heart-like might.

But the problem with this flower
Is that it must exist alone.
In company it turns white as bone,
And it’s silken petals transform to stone.
The oxygen it needed was stolen by a pest.
Like a punch in the chest,
It's beauty was put to rest.

I only ever saw it once
And then did not know what I’d seen
Only that it was beautiful and lean,
And that it made me feel serene.
But that delicate moment can never stay,
And like a tide in the bay,
It was forever gone the next day.

Hey Katie! Great to see you posting another version of the poem, as it's all about seeing what works and doesn't work. Now, don't let the whole repetition thing get you down, the main focus should be about writing a great poem

First off, something extra I've noticed.

But the problem with this flower
Is that it must exist alone.
In company it turns white as bone,
And it’s silken petals transform to stone.
The oxygen it needed was stolen by a pest.
Like a punch in the chest,
It's beauty was put to rest.

The first half of this stanza is written in the present tense but the other half is written in past. The transition between the two tenses isn't smooth either so this is something you should take a look at.

I like how you've changed the last stanza and it reads much better now!

Again, this is a nice poem and keep writing! PM me with any questions or if you want any other work reviewing

-Onyx

Hello, Katie! I'm June. Welcome to YWS! I sure hope you enjoy your stay here.

In the future, it might be better to edit your original post and replace the original version with the updated one; you could include the original in spoiler tags, so it would still be available to compare.

I really like your usage of rhyme here. It's subtle, and with your easy language it really works well, because it doesn't override what you're saying in the poem.

Now, this is a good start to a poem, but as of now, it's more Narrative than lyrical, dear. (Lyrical poetry is those poems that can be set to music and such, or those that rhyme with rhythm and perfect meter.) I think that your language in this -- though it's nice and clear -- is too bland to be a lyric poem.

I would recommend cutting out some verb-narrative phrases such as "I saw" and the likes; not all of them, though! Because, that would ruin the poem. Try to get rid of the parts that make this sound exclusively like a story, dear, because if we remove the line breaks and such, it will sound like one (which would essentially be okay for narrative poetry, but we're talking Lyric here )!

Nonetheless, it's a good poem. I like the originality in it, I appreciate the "calmness" of it, and the description was good. Keep writing!


Good luck! If I was too harsh, feel free to let me know.

Best--
June

Hi Katie! Figured I would critique this one.

Anyway, for the most part, I really liked the poem. Some of it was a little strange, of course. For instance, why would the flower turn to stone whenever it was alone? And how did the narrator see the flower for the beauty it was while in the presence of it? Wouldn't that flower turn to stone? It was little inconsistencies like these that kind of drove me batty, but I really liked the entire concept of the poem. So props for you!

First the grammar:

And it’s silken petals transform to stone. <-- Should be "its" (which is the possessive of it).

Now, for the rest of the poem!

First of all, I think there was a little clumsiness since there were so many words like "the" and "a" which really didn't belong... for instance, I think it would be smoother if you wrote this:

Like a breath, like a firefly’s light,
It beats with a heart-like might.

It might be nicer like:

Like breath, like firefly’s light,
It beats with heart-like might.

I don't know... play around with it! At the moment though, it seems a little clumsy. Just read it out loud and see what happens, where your tongue stumbles... that sort of thing. It'll help out the poem a lot, I think.

Also, I have a problem with this line:

"The oxygen it needed was stolen by a pest."

This may be because I've taken wayyyyy too many biology classes (I'm a biochemical engineer... yay?) but it bugs me that you use oxygen when, in fact, plants do not breathe oxygen or need it. Its their waste material. They breathe in carbon dioxide and take water and other nutrients (nitrates and the like) in the soil. So... yeah. Geeky, I know. But it bugged me all the same.

And... remember that stone part? I think it would be neat if you could have the narrator look at the flower, see it for the beauty that it is, go closer and, when the flower notices the narrator, it would turn into stone... or something like that. It might be cooler to visualize in our mind's eye.

Best of luck!

Oh wow, I didn't even know you could do that! Thank you everyone so far for the critiques, it's been really helpful. I'm going to keep working on this poem, so I might post a newer version of it in a few days.

In response to OxfordandOnyx... It's supposed to switch tenses but I think there's some rearranging that should be done... perhaps introducing some of the ideas of seeing it presented in the last stanza to the first stanza? That spot is a little rough though.. perhaps I should make it all past tense? It might make more sense that way.

To Junier... Thank you! Now that it's in dramatic poetry (which was where I think it belonged) I think most of the issues you brought up were resolved? If there's anything else you spot please let me know!

To Snoink... Thank you for moving it! =] I like your suggestion about words like "the" and "a" especially in the instance you used. The flower is actually a metaphor which is why it has the characteristics it has. The stone in particular is because what this poem represents can not thrive/ grow in company so it turns to something dead; stone. Company means more of another flower growing with it..
I understand what you mean about the oxygen (it's bothering me a little too now lol) but if i were technical I think it would throw off the flow of the poem though.. perhaps I can find something else that would fit...

Again, thank you everyone! I'd love more input before I put out another draft of it!

Hey there! I am critiquing your newer one, I think that's the point. XD

Now, my biggest problem with this is the fact that you seem to just tell the reader what happens rather than showing it. This is an oooold lecture, but a useful one nonetheless. We, the readers, want to be shown what you mean with the use of many amazing poetic devices such as imagery. We want to be shown it all by you. What the readers don't want, however, is you just telling them what has happened and leaving it at that. No! They want glorious description and beautiful imagery that you give to them! Savvy?

~Amy

Hey! Great poem, here. You've done a really fantastic job.

I like this a lot. The second version you wrote is better than the first by far--miles. I was already critiquing all the bad things in teh first one when I came upon the second one. Then I stopped, because your edit was wonderful! Honestly, great job.
Tata!
-Mizzle

Hello there.

I want to say that this is a lovely poem. I also started reading the original one, making notes and then found the edit. There's nothing I can see in the edit that hasn't already been pointed out. I would, however, like to see the narrator interacting more with the flower to sort of tie them together. Just an opinion, though.

You get a star!

Thanks for posting and take care!