The lioness

Hey This is my first time writing poetry ever. So I would love it if you were as harsh as you could be. Thanks

She tore your heart out
Like a lion ripping,
And tearing at that spot
For hours upon hours.

You let her back in
Not knowing
That in the end
She would be gone once again

But it wasn’t that long
Until she came begging
To come back
Just like a dirty rat

You knew you had to say no,
But your heart melted
You still loved her
With all of your soul

Wow, Rascalover! I can't believe this!
For a first time poet, you're very good. Maybe you just have a bit of that natural talent?

Anyway, onto the poem.
I only had one major problem!

Although your use of similes in this poem was really good, you were lacking what is essential to most poems, and that is imagery. Using imagery is a little different then similes. Similes are comparisons and imagery is description. Where does your poem take place? If it's about chocolate chip cookies, describe the smell. Really make us feel like that we're inside of the story.

There were other errors, but most of those were minor, such as spelling and grammar-things are a little different in poetry. Obviously, as you write more poetry, you'll learn to master those things in time.

One little tip before I leave you: make sure you read a ton! Look for patterns, and maybe you can learn a few tricks from the experts

Anyway, that's all! PM me if you have any questions!

Hey Rascal,

I like this - I like the idea and how you went about this. It's pretty well written, and flows okay. You've got the bones and structure of a very good poem here, you just need to add the meat. Try to figure out what it is you wish to achieve.

Right now, we're left with an overall image of heartbreak and of being tricked again and once again - but nothing truly specific or tangible, much dealt mostly with generalities. I'll give you an example:

And tearing at that spot
For hours upon hours.

Tearing at what spot? Be specific!

Another way to be specific is through word-choice. Try picking specific, strong verbs and nouns that might help with the imagery. In the first stanza you have "tore" and then later you have "tearing" - say it once, say it right - when writing a short piece, make every word count. Perhaps she is "clawing" or "devouring"

Until she came begging
To come back

Use of 'come' twice. This is an excellent opportunity to utilize the image of a lion - maybe she 'pounces' back onto her prey...

It's like Elinor said, try to use imagery. The poem's title is "The Lioness" but we're only given the image of a lion in the first stanza. How else could you carry forth this image of a lion? Maybe she is playing with her food - or hunting for prey - explore! Have fun with it! Be creative!

Another thing I noticed, having posted in the "Lyrical" section - the poem does not seem to be very lyrical, perhaps I'm not getting across your initial intentions. In any case, I like this poem a lot! Especially the last stanza Good job and keep writing!

~ Audy

thanks so much you guys Yeah I was really angry last night and somethings popped into my head... So I thought I'd write a poem. Thanks for the great critism, maybe i'll work my poem side of writing and write some more

Rascalover wrote:She tore your heart out
Like a lion ripping,
And tearing at that spot
For hours upon hours.

I like this, but I think it could be a little more powerful. And as the first stanza, it's rather important for setting the tone of the rest of the piece.

Rascalover wrote:Tore your heart out like a lion
ripping, tearing at that spot
For hours upon hours.

Rascalover wrote:But it wasn’t that long
Until she came begging
To come back
Just like a dirty rat

Don't like the repetitive use of "came" and "come." Maybe find another verb?
A said above, great, great job for your first piece of poetry. I hope you continue your work Hope to see more of you.
xxooxx
the universe

Thanks so much for the review I have written another poem called hatred under other in the poetry section if you guys would like to review that as well that would be fantastic