The Wheels in Motion

I was sitting on the podium,
Waiting for my turn to speak.
My stomach had since long began to rumble
And I was sure that I would fumble.
But my mind was trying to recollect,
Out of its old treasures, some useful artifacts.

It took me back on the pathway of time,
When I had won the prize sublime.
The way I had laughed and danced with joy,
And my heart felt very light and away it could fly.

My second stop on the pathway was during a time bad,
For after a lot of hard work, defeat was all I had.
The way I had walked with my face down,
And my heart was so heavy that it could drown.

And then sitting upon the stage, upon an idea I trod,
That the cycle of life has always its two wheels in motion.
The one is of victory and the other is of defeat.
But the wheels are not very important,
Because their motion of maturity and experiences’ is always moving ahead.


I got the idea after participating in a debate competition.

Right then!
Overall, a good piece. It flowed well, emotion came through nicely, and the basis for the poem was pretty unique.
A regular rhyming pattern is a good thing, but I got the feeling you;d tried to hard to make the pattern work. For instance, "the prize sublime" doesn't make a lot of sense, and sounds like a very forced phrase.
The last two lines didn't fit in with the rhythm of the poem at all. I think you need to look over them, and try to re-phrase them so that they don't sound like they've been forced into a place they don't belong.
I think this poem has potential, but some fine-tuning is needed to make it really work. After a couple of rewrites, it should be fantastic.

Hello ozasatya, and welcome to YWS!

Debate competitions can be rough... it's true! Part of me likes the first part of the poem, because it's obviously after a crummy defeat in which you lost (and hey, I love conflict and storytelling!) but at the same time, I think the poem would be better if you took that part out and concentrated on explaining the imagery of the real meaty content that you wrote this poem for in the first place. That would be this part:

That the cycle of life has always its two wheels in motion.
The one is of victory and the other is of defeat.
But the wheels are not very important,
Because their motion of maturity and experiences’ is always moving ahead.

So this is a really intriguing image that you put up, and I would love to see it gotten into more detail. What exactly does it mean? Obviously, this is poetry, so you can't say, "Well, of course it means this..." and then just put the explanation into the poem. But maybe you can use what happened in the debate to make your meaning more obvious... why did you lose? And how is this loss propelling everyone further?

Good luck with your poem!

Your poem was a beautiful one and i enjoyed it. One thing i observed was that there was too much "and" and "but" were they were not necessary try to use such conjugates were they cannot be avioded. They dont make poems flow.
Keep up the good work.

Hey there!

So, for this poem I agree with Snoink. Rather than centring round the story of yourself, why not try writing more about the actual emotions of the debate, as such? There are a lot of emotions going on there, whether you win or lose, so it might be a really nice idea!

I would also try to not write the poem as a story. A poem is much more than that, it's written a lot differently. You don't need every word in the sentence, and you can play around with sentence structure and imagery to your hearts content.

Happy writing!

~Amy

Hi there.

I find your writing has a lot of potential Oza (if you don't mind me calling you that.)
I like the knitting of the words and how you made something quite decent out of a debate.

Personally, I find debates terrifying but extremely good ways to get you thinking.
I know my friend lives for the rush of an intense debate.
My biggest problem would be your lack of these emotions. The in-between, the stuff that happens in a debate rather then the pride of winning/disappointment of losing and the nervousness of starting.
The stuff in-between has a lot of potential ideas and words you can use to your advantage that you disregarded.

My biggest tip to you is broaden your view of the things you write. It's something that can really help you.

Kamas