Snowflake Garden

Just a little pantoum I wrote while sitting in front of my space heater on a snowwy day.

I can taste winter in the air
With its bittersweet chills.
I can dance with the fibbers;
Waltzing in a snowflake garden.

With its bittersweet chills,
It pierces my tongue and fingers.
Waltzing in a snowflake garden
To hollow out my lungs.

It pierces my tongue and fingers
With pricks like needles.
I can dance with the fibbers-
I can taste winter in the air.

Hello! Just a quick comment before I start - it's not necessary to capitalise the first letter of every line in poetry. Treat poetry in the same way as prose. That is, new sentence, new capital letter. And also with proper nouns and if you want to give a word that extra special effect.

Moving on...

I can taste winter in the air
With its bittersweet chills.

The use of "bittsweet" erks me - it's a vague word that says little and implies an equal amount; why is it bittersweet? What are the good parts and what are the negatives? How do these affect the reader? It's like you're trying to squeeze an entire poem into a single word. Sure, be vague in poetry, but pragmatically you want the reader to be able to make their own decisions based on a few thoughts that connect with the rest of the poem. As a general thought, I personally would say that as a poet you need to strike the balance of neither force-feeding readers information nor being so vague it's rambling. Getting the reader to construct his/her own images is vital.

I'm also confused as to how one might go about tasting winter. It's a pretty image, but then it's kind of implied that the narrator is tasting the chills, which makes little sense. You feel temperature - you might, however, taste what it brings. The sterile ice? Smoke from a winter chimney?

I can dance with the fibbers;
Waltzing in a snowflake garden.

These are lovely images. While it's kind of overused to talk about dancing with nature, the way you've phrased it (but including a specific dance) pictures something in the reader's mind.

The images that you've painted in this poem feel a little generic; "pricks like needles" "bittersweet" are good examples. However, that's not to say it's bad at all. I feel like it needs a good sense of direction, a target to aim towards and then from that, you might be able to construct a meaning for the reader to interpret. What, would you say, is the most striking part of a snowflake garden to you? Go outside next time it snows and have a walk around. You first impressions? Write them down. Let them mellow.

That lack of direction at times feels horribly clear. The repetitions of the individual lines don't do a whole lot for me - the effect becomes lost in my opinion, and the images are just watered down. I wasn't entirely sure what to make of them.

In conclusion, while I didn't fall in love the poem, I'd love you to rewrite this with some more exciting imagery. So, yes. Sorry for rambling. =)

Best
Blinky

Hello there!

I can taste winter in the air

What part of winter does the narrator taste? The snowflakes, or the Christmas cookies? Winter usually isn't something that you taste, and it coves a lot of different things - from snow to Christmas to sledding - so be more specific.

With its bittersweet chills.

Why the period? I don't really like it there, as it makes for a sudden and premature stop. It also doesn't flow very nice. I think you should add a comma after 'air' to make it sound better.

I can dance with the fibbers;

Um, what are fibbers?

I can taste winter in the air.

Nice repetition at the end. I like poems that have the same fist and last lines.

Anyway, that's all. PM me if you have questions.

Nice poem! I'm going to list the positives first.

I liked how you said:

I can dance with the fibbers;
Waltzing in a snowflake garden.

I also liked how you repetition with the

I can taste winter in the air

in the first and last lines.

Well, there are some things I'll change about your poem. Use less repetition. Your poem is mostly made up of some repeated lines like

With its bittersweet chills.

and

It pierces my tongue and fingers.

Also, I'd change the title as well. When I first read the title, I thought you were going to write about snow landscaping. Yet, in the poem, you mostly write about the chill in the Snowflake Garden. (This is just a suggestion) Maybe you can change it to make it more related?

I love the poem anyway!

I can dance with the fibbers;

Fibbers, like liars?
I didn't like how it repeated so much, mostly with the "With its bittersweet chills",
and "It pierces my tongue and fingers" parts. Cut out some of the repetition, and I think it would be pretty good. Also I like how you ended the poem with the same line as the first, I love when people do that.

Hi there, Keit. (your name is long; so I made you a nickname. ) I'm KL, at your service~


First off...


"Snowflake Garden". The title, I think, shows little relevance to the entire poem. I suggest you find something else, but also as eye-catching as this. The current title gives off a warm, fuzzy feel for me. Don't you just love winter? *sighs*

I can taste winter in the air
With its bittersweet chills.
I can dance with the fibbers;
Waltzing in a snowflake garden.

Why "bittersweet" to describe chills? It's a bit awkward. All in all, good stanza.

With its bittersweet chills,
It pierces my tongue and fingers.
Waltzing in a snowflake garden
To hollow out my lungs.

No problem with the first and second lines, although repetition is a bit off. Third and fourth, I think, should either be deleted or revised. "To hollow out" your lungs? Why the chicken would you want to do that? And, more appropriately, how does one hollow out their lungs? Wouldn't that be deadly? Seriously, though. No offense. They're awkward. The coordination between the two lines are faulty. And the repetition in here, unlike in the first and second lines, don't work at all. It seems a tad bit forced.

It pierces my tongue and fingers
With pricks like needles.
I can dance with the fibbers-
I can taste winter in the air.

Repetition again. A bit awry, but still okay. Rhythm in second line is off. Third and last line has faulty coordination again, and, as I said, repeating just for the sake of effect is awkward for the entire piece. It's likable; yes, but not lovable and such. Sorry. But still a pretty nice work. Just needs a bit more practice.



So... there's my verdict. Just PM me if you need to clarify anything~



Sincerely,


KL.

Hey there!

I wasn't such a fan of the repetition in this piece. It felt a little bit like it was randomly placed, which didn't so much please me as make me feel like your poem felt off. It didn't really work, because although the one line you chose (waltzing in a winter garden) was the central theme, as such, the stanzas didn't work around them so it sounded kind of strange. If, for instance, the line was repeated every other stanza, and those stanzas were centred around the line you repeated then it might sound better. But at the moment it sound s kind of random and off.

I'm not sure what you meant about the 'fibbers', am I missing something here? It might be cool if you expanded on that so that there isn't any confusion for the readers.

~Amy

Hi! Nice poem you've made here. I really like it. I didn't like how you repeated "the bittersweet chills". It felt overused, out of place, and made me question the poem. It felt...not right. Try something else there, and it'll be better.
Anyways, this is still pretty great! Tata!
-Mizzle