Last edited by mandapanda on Sat Dec 19, 2009 6:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost." ~J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
So, for some reason, the line that stood out to me the most was, "and I am not who I am." For some reason, that was just an intensely powerful and unique line to me. All in all, this was well-written and I really did enjoy reading it, but did seem to me that some of the imagery that you used in this did risk being a little too cliche. But seriously, this was still a pretty good poem
Ego said it; in this poem, you risk turning your poem into a cliche by using cliches. It's not a crime to use cliches, but the only harm in doing that is it makes things feel as if we heard them all before, and as your audience, we want originality.
I think that you have potential here. Pretty much, your versing of fear seems like a monster, and this opens a door to great imagery, dear! I would take advantage of this, and create a bigger picture. Instead of describing all of this feeling in first person, take us for the thrill of walking in this character's shoes, dearie. It will help us better understand.
Lastly! Reasoning! It's a good thing. Provide just an inkling of reasoning behind the fear, dearie, because we would absolutely like to know what's got this character tensed.
Hope that helped, June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
The piece painted a great picture in my mind, It was as though I was standing in your shoes. I like the way you described everything in a limited manner, it gives each example its space to shine. Also, like the above comment, Whats the reason for all this fear? I'm curious.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
