Angels and Vampires: Part 1

Hey again. I'm here to give you a new review, since you changed it around and asked for one. Okay, after reading through yet again, here are just a few things in a style I like:

You ever wanted something so much, but it was so far out of your reach that you lost hope? Maybe it was beautiful, stunning, or maybe it was just mundane. I want a lot that I can't have, but it wouldn't take much for me to have it.

I am so, so, SO pleased that you changed the beginning, and made it so much better! The only part I don't like is the last part of the last sentence. If it wouldn't take much for him to have it, why doesn't he have it? I think that's a little odd that he wouldn't get something he wants if it doesn't take much effort.

My name? Lexus. It means ‘faith and law’ in my language back home. (so totally love how you added the definition in a short, simple, easy to understand/remember way, that also hits home with the irony and significance! Well done!) As soon as I was born I was destined to be alone, or at least in some ways. Never to be married, liked, loved or a part of a friendship even have friends. Yet it didn’t scare me. People like me liked often preferred to be alone, no matter what we were feeling. Happy or sad, that's just how we were. Solitary beings. Be alone in their feelings and sorrow. Well, not always sorrow. Sometimes happiness, for other people at least.

I like this. Simple, easy to remember, and way more powerful than what was there before! Good job!

Torn. My last name. Pain, (either a semicolon or a period would be better here) I have felt pain before,. It’s written in my name and in the stars that I am one to feel it. ('that I am one to feel it' doesn't sound right. Maybe try, 'It's written in my name and on the stars, pain was to always be lurking around every corner' I dunno, just a thought, but what you have right now does not make sense.) But the stars were my sisters, as well as the messengers of the sky. I was among them, or at least I used to be. I had fallen and fallen, never to be picked back up again. The forgotten fallen. It Pain means nothing anymore; it’s just a fancy phrase for ‘broken heart’.’ I wasn’t broken hearted in that a (that would only work if you put it sort of like 'It was the broken hearted feeling you get after a divorce...'sense, like after a divorce, or the fall through of a relationship that you thought would last forever.; I was torn in the way that I had never felt love, never felt a beating heart close to mine. This made me want. It became a longing at the night, when I sat with my weary head against the wet grass watching the stars pulsate with a wonderful light. It was enough to drive a human insane, enough to drive an immortal to wonder, and make them strive for something they knew they couldn’t have. But why did it have to be so harsh in my head?! (Pick one punctuation mark or the other. Both only works in dialogue and thoughts, but even then only sometimes. It's a tricky bridge to cross, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes a walk in the park ) I understood how lone humans longed for company; it was the environment they had grown up in. But how could you long for something when you didn’t have the faintest idea of how it would feel?The stars were my sisters, the moon my parent. I was among them, or at least I used to be. I had fallen and fallen, never to be picked back up again. The forgotten fallen.

Just a few changes made this so much better! A few more minor things and it'll be better still! You're getting better at this every time.

Lexus Torn. My name. It was a name with a lot of meaning. My name,; it was a waste on a man like me. What was the point in a useless person having a beautiful name like Lexus? I didn’t feel like a boy really, I was a lot more than that. Boy was a stupid human word. (Haha, I like that sentence! ) My hair was long, sleek, and black, hanging in loose curls around my shoulders. I washed it in the pools of water by the sides of roads in the dead of night, the entirety of it in tangles as I didn’t have a brush to my name. This did not trouble me. I find this part not really necessary, nor does it really add anything to the paragraph. Scars laced my arms, not from self harm, but from the harm of the cruel outside world. I was happy to be alive; it was a privilege that some of the only grateful humans lost. There wasn’t weren't that many humans that deserved to live, they lived their lives totally oblivious to the world around them. It was painful for me to even watch. Highly painful. Unlike them, I would live my life in the way that would benefit others the most. I think a new paragraph might be good here, because this paragraph starts feeling a little chunky.

Sometimes I got taken in by some people, noticing my young age and taking pity. Others looked at me, and I knew what they were thinking: he wasted his life on alcohol, drugs, and gambling. But I have done the complete opposite. I used to sit in gutters with young girls who were so drunk they didn’t know their own names, holding their hair out of their faces as they threw up, and listening to them as they cried. Some people just wanted someone there, but didn’t want any words out of my mouth. I respected that too. Of course I hid myself my true self from all, my wings tucked under my trench coat so tightly that no-one else could tell. (you missed a space between the end of that sentence and the beginning of this one.) But I always made sure that they saw as much of me as was safe, my personality and some of my story. Some people just wanted someone there, but didn’t want any words out of my mouth. I respected that too.

It's still a little big, but hopefully breaking it apart where I suggested might work better. OH, and I guess I forgot to mention it, but the stuff in blue was just stuff I moved.

Memories came to me often, little flashbacks that haunted my head me, reminding me of how beautiful my life used to be. Oh, howI would love wanted so badly to be back there.

Adding this part is good, I like it!

“Lexy! Come here my beautiful. Are you working hard? You know how much your mother had to beg to get you into such a good education. Honey, why don’t you go to the meadow? It’s a spectacle of a lovely (or beautiful, or any such thing. Most people don't use spectacle when talking about a day. ) day. I shall see you tomorrow!”

My wonderful aunt, always hoping that her nephew would go places. And he did, somewhere where he wouldn’t be found by anyone that loved him every again. But of course, when I had got gone to the meadow, I wasn’t alone.

“Lexyyyy! Can you play with me? Look at all the ash on the ground! We can playmake forts and throw ash-balls at each other! It’s going to be amazing.”

Okay, just a few things. First, you tell us he wasn't alone, but you don't tell us who he was with. Also, how old is this girl (it sounds like a girl in my head at least ) supposed to be? Was this the day he fell? If so, unless she's five or something, I'd either make it an earlier time, or an older-sounding person. Oh, and are you going to reveal who he's with later on? If not, maybe just give us the tiniest bit of more information on the speaker. Male or female? Friend or relative? Older or younger? It would be good if you tell us these things at least some time in the story, or else you leave that character to the imagination, when it seams he/she might play an important role later on.

Sleep didn’t come often to me; mostly because I made had such depressing thoughts that they kept me up. (You seem rather determined not to give up this incorrect use of made. Several people have said it doesn't make sense, myself included. Had would be a much better word! I still stand by what I said the first time I reviewed this piece: [you could] try something like "mostly because my thoughts were so depressing, I often stayed awake just to avoid them" or something like that. Whatever you choose, Get Rid Of 'made'!) And now I was weary because of it. Once someone told me that someone was out there for me, no matter how powerful or weak, rich or poor they were. I didn’t believe an ounce of it. That could not be the truth for such a worthless being as me. Angels were born to serve others, we weren’t meant to be worth anything to the people we helped. We were just their servants that waited on theirthem hand and foot, no without any strings attached. There were other creatures in the night, but not many like me. Hardly any, so little in number that I hadn’t actually come across another being like me. But at least I hoped. (for what? that he'd come across more beings in the night? might add a tiny bit of info on the end of that sentence) Hope. This emotion reminded me of a night a few years ago, a long time ago. The first night of my worthless existence.

On the whole, not too shabby. That made at the beginning is seriously starting to annoy me thought. But other than that, good job. Oh, and if writing this on Microsoft add an extra paragraph after this (nothing in it, just a spacer). If you're writing it on here, put a * or two to indicate you're jumping to the story start or whatever!

It was a night in 1993, a surprisingly quiet night one at that. The moon was shrouded from sight in the sky by many other beautiful constellations and places humans hadn’t even discovered yet. To this date I was only 16 years of age; this was the night I was physically born. (I don't like this very much. If he was 16, he's already BEEN physically born. Maybe, it was the night he first saw life from the humans' perspective or something. Also, spell out numbers! Sixteen not 16.) Of course, I had been alive for 16 human years before that, but I had never actually been physically alive, physically there. This was the night I was first there. (You do sort out the problem I previously had, but I still don't like 'physically born'. Perhaps you could move 'physically there' in place of 'physically born' and that might make more sense. I dunno, just an idea) I had lived in the stars for many, many of our centuries, because our time passed a lot faster there was much different than the time on Earth. All my time was spent (repetition of time, not good! Try) Before Earth, I spent my years learning from my elders and forefathers, becoming greatly intelligent. I was respected. NEW PARAGRAPH

One night, for the first time in a few months, I ventured out on my own to watch the sky below. This was a privilege, only the highers and elders got opportunities like this. I ran as fast as I could to the edge of my home, falling onto my knees and bending over the side eagerly. A smile was imprinted across my thin lips. The sky sparkled, with such beauty and wonder that I was mystified. The black sky told me words of wisdom and enlightened me so much it nearly hurt, but the exhilaration out-weighed that. Every time a star imploded and turned to a burning supernova, ash fell onto my beautiful planet. It looked like what humans now called snow. At least this didn’t turn to accident-making slush like on Earth; it just laced the plants for a few weeks afterwards. The sky sparkled, with such beauty and wonder that I was mystified. The black sky told words of wisdom and enlightened me so much it nearly hurt, but the exhilaration out-weighed that. Some stars were bigger than the others, some smaller, and one of the stars was so close you I (avoid 2nd person speech whenever possible!) could see the intricate patterns of the burning blue centre. My body hung further and further over the edge, (either a period or semicolon would be best) I wasn’t thinking. A brush of wind pushed me over, building power until it whipped against my back. (This particular sentence, I don't like. It might make more sense if written like) A heavy wing buffeted my back, building power until it whipped against me, sending me falling over the edge. I couldn't spread my wings. I was ptrified. It all went black then, and I woke up a long time later in a pile of ash. My wings were crushed under my back, my night black hair strewn across my face. I had got (either make it 'had gotten' or just 'got') to my knees, shaking the light stardust off my body. I tried to pick it back off the ground, succeeding with a few grains, only to watch them dissolve into the mortal air, my tears staining them as they did. Turning hysterical, I had vowed that I would never do anything for myself again. I just couldn’t take that risk.

Intriguing, but a little hard to understand in places. Move some stuff around and maybe break it up in a place or two to make it seem less huge.

What a stupid angel.

I absolutely love that ending for some reason! It's powerful but simple. Excellent note to end on, bravo!

Overall: Wow. I love this revised version! It was so much easier to picture and understand the character. The first time I read this, Lexus (Lexine, in the beginning) appeared (to me at least) as an angsty, unlovable character, who everyone felt sorry for simply because it seemed like he felt sorry for himself. There are still a few things I dislike.
One, the fact that if I didn't already know he was a he, I would still picture him as a her. It's understandable, especially since you are a girl and you make the main character a boy. I personally can't really write to sound like a guy, but I certainly make a fool out of myself by trying I'd suggest you hunt around for some things with guys writing with guys as their main character. Don't limit yourself to YWS, check your library or bookshelf.
Two, I can't really figure out which it is, but either there's too much showing or too much telling. I think you have too much telling. In showing, we don't get such a wind-blown, rushed version of the events. Instead, we, as your loyal readers, experience what your character experiences, while your character experiences them. I think that while we are able to picture the things at least somewhat clearly, we do not feel close to your MC. Relate to him? In some places. Know him? We know about him, but we don't really know him.
Third, dialogue. There is very little dialogue, both of which are in memories. One of which we don't even know the speaker. I commonly start off stories with flashbacks, or dialogue, or jumping straight into the action. I find that if maybe, rather than info-dumping on us everything about his past, you drag us straight into the action, you might surpirse yourself. Maybe have him waking up in a pile of ash, his wings crushed, broken and painful, right from the start. Rather than tell us, show us. Show where he got the trech-coat, or one of his meetings with a person who took him in, or one of his encounters with the drunk girls, or even him vowing never to do anything for himself again. Something that better drags the reader in, and has some dialogue.

Don't get the wrong idea, I like your story now. I'm just thinking while typing, and it just came out like that. You can keep it the way it is now, but I'd highly suggest adding more than just two flashbacks of dialogue.

Still, I very much like your story. (I also think this may be my longest review yet! ) Many things have improved, and I think I've said more positives than negatives, unlike last time As I told you before, I can always find something to pick at even when others can, haven't or have. This story has some serious promise, and I really believe you are improving greatly as a writer. Good job! Keep going and good luck on the next parts.

~Addict

Hello, again, forgottenfallen
I like your changes, and how you explained the angels' name, Lexus. I think you did a very good job with the first one, but an even better job with the edited version. Thanks for the PM!
maegardens

I would just like to thank everybody for the amount of help I got on EVERY part of Angels and Vampires so far!!!!! Its been so helpful, and its you guys that has made it the amazing story it is today x

Forgotten x