“Lexy! Come here my beautiful. Are you working hard? You know how much your mother had to beg to get you into such a good education. Honey, why don’t you go to the meadow? It’s a spectacle of a day. I shall see you tomorrow!"
My wonderful aunt, always hoping that her nephew would go places. And he did, somewhere where he wouldn’t be found by anyone that loved him every again. But of course, when I had got to the meadow, I wasn’t alone.
“Lexyyyy! Can you play with me? Look at all the ash on the ground! We can play forts and throw ash-balls at each other! It’s going to be amazing.”
My best friend, Chloe. She had been lively yet clever, always with an answer to everything. She was a constantly inspirational person to be around, always making me less pessimistic when I saw her wide smile. But the most memorable thing about her was her deep blue glittering eyes that were so clear you could see right through them.
It had been a night in 1993, a surprisingly quiet night. The moon was shrouded from sight in the sky by many other beautiful constellations and places humans hadn’t even discovered yet. To this date I was only 16 years of age; this was the night I was physically born. Of course, I had been alive for 16 human years before that, but I had never actually been physically alive, physically there. This was the night I was first there. I had lived in the stars for many, many of our centuries, because our time passed a lot faster. All my time was spent learning from my elders and forefathers, becoming greatly intelligent. I was respected. One night, for the first time in a few months, I ventured out on my own to watch the sky below. This was a privilege, only the highers and elders got opportunities like this. I ran as fast as I could to the edge of my home, falling onto my knees and bending over the side eagerly. A smile was imprinted across my thin lips. Every time a star imploded and turned to a burning supernova, ash fell onto my beautiful planet. It looked like what humans now called snow. At least this didn’t turn to accident making slush like on Earth; it just laced the plants for a few weeks afterwards. The sky sparkled, with such beauty and wonder that I was mystified. The mystic sky told words of wisdom and enlightened me so much it nearly hurt, but the exhilaration out-weighed that. Some stars were bigger than the others, some smaller, and one of the stars was so close you could see the intricate patterns of the burning blue centre. My body hung further and further over the edge, I wasn’t thinking. A brush of wind pushed me over, building power until it whipped against my back. It all went black then, and I woke up a long time later in a pile of ash. My wings were crushed under my back, my night black hair strewn across my face. I had got to my knees, shaking the light stardust off my body. I tried to pick it back off the ground, succeeding with a few grains, only to watch them dissolve into the mortal air, my tears staining them as they did. Turning hysterical, I had vowed that I would never do anything for myself again. I just couldn’t take that risk.
What a stupid angel.
Memories came to me often, little flashbacks that haunted my head, reminding me of how beautiful my life used to be. Oh, how I would love to be back there.
You ever wanted something so much, but it was so far out of your reach that you lost hope? Maybe it was beautiful, stunning, or maybe it was just mundane. I want a lot that I can't have, but it wouldn't take much for me to have it. It was just no-one wanted to help me.
My name? Lexus. It means ‘faith and law’ in my language back home. As soon as I was born I was destined to be alone or at least in some way. Never to be married, liked, or loved. Yet it didn’t scare me, because I had some people who stood by me. I respected people a lot, guess it was my responsibility. They respected me back though, even though I didn’t ask for it. That’s when you know you have some real great friends that are going to stay by you forever.
Torn. Just happens to be my last name. Pain, I have felt pain before, it’s written in my name and in the stars that I am one to feel it. It means nothing anymore; it’s just a fancy phrase for ‘broken heart’.’ I wasn’t broken hearted in that sense, like after a divorce or the fall through of a relationship that you thought would last forever. I was torn in the way that I had never felt love, never felt a beating heart close to mine. Well, at least not on this planet. This made me want for this. It became a longing at the night, when I sat with my weary head against the wet grass watching the stars pulsate with a wonderful light. Enough to drive a human insane, enough to drive an immortal to wonder, make them strive for something they knew they couldn’t have. I understood how lone humans longed for company; it was the environment they had grown up in. But how could you long for something when you didn’t have the faintest idea of how it would feel? Well, maybe I had felt love, I used to be loved by my family when I was back home, and loved by the stars that I watched every night with awe. I was among them, or at least I used to be. I had fallen and fallen, never to be picked back up again. The forgotten fallen.
Lexus Torn. My name. It was a name with a lot of meaning. My name, it was a waste on a man like me. What was the point in a useless person having a beautiful name like Lexus? I didn’t feel like a boy really, I was a lot more than that. Boy was a stupid human word. My hair was long, sleek, and black, hanging in loose curls around my shoulders. I washed it in the pools of water by the sides of roads in the dead of night, because I didn’t really have a permanent place to stay. This did not trouble me. Not like I was dead or anything, I found my way. You could find good food if you were nice to the right people, and sometimes even a place to stay. Scars laced my arms, not from self harm, but from the harm of the cruel outside world. The world wasn’t always cruel, it just chose to be. There were some amazing people out there, one of them that I remembered clearly. Only a few nights ago a middle aged woman, around the age of 30 had come and offered me help. She had sat next to me and asked me the most caring of questions, like she really cared.
“What’s your name? Do you go to school? You look so tired! Do you have any friends to sleep round with tonight? It’s late!”
“No, miss. All my friends are out tonight and I have no favours to call. It’s okay, I have spent many nights of my life out here.”
She frowned, then smiled like she had an idea. My eyes went to the ground as I realized.
“Why don’t you stay at my house tonight? My youngest son just moved out and I have a spare room. Sorry, I can’t leave a gentleman as young and modest as you out in the cold to fight for themselves. I’ll let you go in the morning. Please?” I sighed and took her hand, which was out held towards my face. She had taken me to her warm, homely house and sat me by her fire, giving me a hearty dinner and water for me to go to bed. I got given night-clothes to wear and she washed my dirty clothes over night. I had never felt so wanted.
Sleep didn’t come often to me; mostly because I thought too much. Sometimes so much I didn’t sleep at all. Once someone told me that someone was out there for me, no matter how powerful or weak, rich or poor. I didn’t believe that. I mean come on, someone for everyone? Not for people like me at least. Angels were born to serve others, they weren’t meant to be worth anything to the people they helped. They were just the servants that waited on their masters hand and foot without any strings attached. There were other creatures in the night, but not many like me. Hardly any, so little in number that I hadn’t actually come across another being like me. But at least I hoped.
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The year I was born! ...Sorry...
