Unforgettable : Prologue

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1076
Reviews 8
Prologue

Ever felt the feeling of pure perfection? Standing on this beach, I could feel it. Happiness, perfection; a place like no other. The salt ocean air filled my body. I could hear the sound of birds, chirping in the distance, and the close ocean breeze, which felt as though it had crept up on me, sending chills down my spine. I wiggled my toes in the sand, and shivered when the freezing cold tide reached my ankles. I looked up and saw an island in the distance, covered entirely with wild jungle. I turned around and saw a grand castle made for a princess.
But, my story starts when I was much younger. On the same beach, walked three women. Each woman was strong and powerful, but no woman the same. Notable, each woman had a different hair color. Of the women, there was one brunette, one blonde, and one red head. The three best friends were spending their morning going for a walk. And at their feet, was me. I couldn't have been more than two years old. I twisted and tumbled as my feet tried to balance my tinny body on the unstable sand. I fell a couple of times, but as usual one of them was always there to help me back up. They were the only reason I kept going.
I always wanted to be like them. They had a poise and elegance that my little body lacked. I would watch them walk, and I would try my hardest to imitate them, but I always fell. And they always helped me back up. That's why I always tried again.
The three friends were laughing and talking like all best friends do. The further we walked, the higher the sun rose. And then, just as we were getting ready to turn around and head home, I saw someone in the distance.
"Mommy! Mommy! It's Rina!" I exclaimed, jumping up and down and pulling on my mom's skirt. I pointed to a girl in the distance. Her name was actually Riana, but as a little, little girl I pronounced her name Rina. She was about five years old and she sat off in the distance end of the beach, making a sand castle.
"Can I go play, mommy? Please, please, please!" I pleaded, still tugging at my mother's skirt. My adorable baby voice, long black hair, and big brown unforgettable eyes made my mom cave in.
"Yes honey, until we get down there" my mom agreed. She looked down at me, and had a huge smile across her face. I was so adorable.
And off I ran, down the long, beautiful beach. But, I didn't make it too far, before I turned around and ran back to my mom.
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I screamed, in a playful manor. My mom watched as I ran towards her and fell face first into the sand. I landed right at her feet. She helped me up, brushing the sand off of my little, pink dress.
"What is it honey?" My mom asked, nearly laughing at just how adorable I was.
"Walk really slow!" I said. All three women broke into laughter.
"Ok sweetheart"
"And mommy"
"What?" My mom asked, bending down so that she was eye level with me. She had such a beautiful smile on her face, and her eyes too were unforgettable.
That's when I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.
"I love you mommy" I said.
"I love you too" she replied, hugging me.
And off I ran, down the beach. Little did I know that I would never see them again. And little did they know that I was gone. When they got to the end of the beach, I was no where to be found. My mom and I would spend the rest of our lives trying to find each other. She never stopped looking for me, and I never stopped looking for her.
Who'd have guessed that our problems would be solved by such a small accident as this?




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 5973
Reviews 23
TrueBroadwaylvr9 wrote: Little did I know that I would never see them again.

ok i read all of it and it is interesting the only thing i really disliked was the quoted section. this is so cliche i could say cliche in 200000 size words and still not emphasize how cliche it is. but than again who am i to talk? my latest book is gonna be 95% of cliches when it comes to fantasy :P
good prologue! keep writing




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1076
Reviews 8
Glad you liked it! I know that part is a little cliche... but it kinda is supposed to be, I guess. Because it is supposed to appear to be a normal story of a mother and child getting separated, but its absolutely not, so the cliche is kinda cute... I don't know, it makes sense in my mind, haha.
Well, glad you like it! I'll be sure to post more over the winter break!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1902
Reviews 7
NYAA~~!!! *squirms on ground with kitten happiness, cat-ears perked and tail waving* That was wonderful, Truebroadwaylvr9!! I am greatly intrigued! (in case your wondering, Sid—also my user name-- is one of my characters who is a little Neko Boy, or a half-cat-half-human, and I love talking in character, and the Character Sid loves to squirm around… *looks at avatar* he is SO cute~~…. I am a girl, however, though I’m playing in character as a Boy)

I absolutely loved the way you started it with this line: :elephant:

Ever felt the feeling of pure perfection? Standing on this beach, I could feel it. Happiness, perfection; a place like no other.


In fact, I have felt pure perfection! It’s when you get the chance to read a raw prologue that needs virtually no proofreading and entices the reader like candy on a fishing hook! I love lures like that… *slobbers at the candy and shiny fishing hook, tail and hands twitching*

The only suggestion I can give is to describe the main character a teensy wee bit more! BUT do NOT describe the Older Main character, that would ruin her description in the 1st chapter, so just describe Young MC more desu ~ But, since you has a very cute babyish character, make sure you describe her as such… Example of me describing Sidd:

Sid sneezed softly into his hand in an oddly cute way, and then sucked in a recovering breath while he pawed the tip of his nose. He started singing a song that his parents would sing to him long ago when he was sad, a song so silly no one could resist smiling to it, completely oblivious to his surroundings, his soft breathy voice drifting to the alley below him, swinging his legs childishly. The tangerine light highlighted his Neon red hair cat ears and tail to brilliant hues, casting a red reflection on his small innocent face, his uncommonly glassy dull brown eyes cast in an eerie devilish light from the shine. He gave a charming eleven-year-old smile to the brilliant sunset, his long dark eyelashes tangling with happiness and his cheeks coloring with a happy blush, his big red cat ears rotating sideways.
NOTICE!!!

By the time you notice this Notice, you will notice that this Notice is not worth noticing!!!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 840
Reviews 37
I like the main character so far, she seems like an interesting character. The ending makes me wonder what happened that the girl would never see her mother again, it's very mysterious(I love that).
It's very good writing, I can't wait to read more! :)
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4601
Reviews 141
Hey TrueBroadwaylvr9, I'm your friendly YWS Fire, ready to review your prologue, here goes...

Ever felt the feeling of pure perfection? Standing on this beach, I could feel it. Happiness, perfection; a place like no other.


Nice opening line and all but there is (I think, but I'm not sure) a small mistake. Shouldn't the 'place' be 'feeling'?

I twisted and tumbled as my feet tried to balance my tinny tiny body on the unstable sand.


My mom watched as I ran towards her and fell face first into the sand.


Awwwww, How cute!!! Adorable! haha :P :)

Wow, that was indeed very interesting and sad and cute and adorable and mysterious and... well, you get the point. I loved the way you added a hint of mystery into the story that seemed to be a normal 'mom lose baby' story. Nicely done, indeed very nicely done.

What annoys me is that you haven't posted the first chapter yet as you promised... or have you? Pm me if you do please!

See ya till then
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1581
Reviews 5
Who'd have guessed that our problems would be solved by such a small accident as this?


They're problems are solved by losing each other? That's :cry: so sad :cry:
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1076
Reviews 8
Sorry bandgeek, but I think you misunderstood. When she said that quote, the narrator, she meant a small accident as the one coming up, not as the one just talked about. Though maybe I didn't make that clear enough.



“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw