Black Tears

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This is a true story about what happened during school yesterday. It is in my point of view. I tried hard not to use the names of the real people so it just says "the girl". I don't know if it sounds right. Should I put in the names or make up different ones? Hope you like it, I know it is really short.

~peanut~

My tears aren’t for her, nor are they for the pain she feels as her heart shatters. I can almost hear it like broken glass smashing and falling around me. The crystal tears that fall from my green eyes are for him, her other half.
I have been told not to cry. My friends have threatened me with words because they don’t want her to feel any worse. Their comforting words are blocked by the pressure of the tears I hold back.
Dark hands of the clock on the far wall tick slowly. They move as if the world has stopped spinning, I know that is what everyone else at the table is thinking as they whisper kind words. The tears from her eyes splatter against the wooden tale. Her mascara leaves a trail of black tears on her red cheeks.
I can’t watch her any longer. I turn my head and blink back the water to keep it from leaking out of the corner of my eyes. I can see him over the heads of the other kids. More than likely he is talking about what she is telling us right now.
I try not to say anything, biting back the comments that want so badly to be heard. The note she wrote him is still folded in my palm. Slowly I move my hand from under the table and place the paper in front of her.
I don’t look at her because to my left the other girls are begging me not to cry. I just stare at the clock waiting for it to be over. They don’t know why I am about to explode with anger or why the tears threaten to roll down my cheeks. I tell myself that they weren’t there and that I can’t tell them, his girlfriend is the only one who knows and she isn’t even thinking about it as she wipes her tears.
They weren’t there when the summer mornings cried the tears I wanted to unleash. As the thunder clapped and the vibrations of my cell phone sent shivers down my spine. They didn’t have to hear the promises of suicide if something happened, the threats that he’d hurt himself if she ended everything.
But that was then, almost five months ago and the dread I never thought would come back has returned. A whistle blows behind us and everyone except me and two other girls leave, including my best friend who thinks her world is crumbling.
The other two move closer as my tears finally slip, the text messages from those summer mornings coming back to my memory. We say nothing until we have to leave.
“He’s crying too,” my friend whispers as we pass the boy who cries with his head bowed.
Last edited by peanut19 on Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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Hey there, Irish here.

Wow, thats really beautiful and sad. I love your imagery in it, but I'm not sure that I can really tell what happened.... Did he break up with her? Or vise versa?

It reminds me of a day when something like that happened to me... only he didn't cry. He laughed with his friends and pretended I wasn't there, behind him, bawling my eyes out.

I'm so sorry for whatever happened that was so upsetting, I hope it gets better :D

-Irish :elephant:

P.S CONGRATS YOU'RE MY 100TH REVIEW!
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Hi peanut. Yes, no exclamation point. I'm too emotional to use it right now. So, I really liked this, even though I'm a bit confused. It's confusing, I can't really tell what's going on, but it's so very strong, when looked from an emotional angle.

The depth of this is what comes out to me as best. The imagery is also very lovely. I can feel it, and see it role play on my mind, with a setting I've created. A bit more of description on the setting would be nice too. How's the weather? I feel like grey would be nice.

As for the grammar goes, I have a few nitpicks.

They have threatened me with words because they don’t want her to feel any worse.

Who are they? Her family, her other friends?

Dark hands of the clock on the far wall circle.

This line sounds a bit awkward. First, I was going to suggest you put a 'the' at the beginning, but it's not enough. Add a verb. That ought to do it.

I just stare at the clock waiting fro it be over.

For. ;)

They don’t know why I am about to explode with anger and tears threaten to roll down my cheeks.

Very choppy. Try something like 'They don't know why I am about to explode with anger and tears, that threaten to roll down my cheeks.'

even thinking about bout it as she wipes her tears.

You repeated 'about', dear.

They weren’t there when the summer mornings cried the tears I wanted to unleash. As the thunder clapped and the vibrations of my cell phone sent shivers down my spine.

Again, the phrasing here is awkward. They weren't there on those Summer mornings, when I cried the tears I wanted to unleash. Was that what you wanted to say? Try re-reading it and editing it. Take out the 'and' on the second line, and put a comma in there.

Overall, it is a powerful piece that can be greater if you add more detail to it and try to make simpler as in understanding matters. It's a bit confusing, about now, and I had to re-read it twice to be sure I understood everything.

Hope I've helped! Questions? Pm me ;)
- Kat <3
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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I liked it! But I didn't see anything that anyone else hadn't already pointed out. The ending wasn't so clear what had happened and I was kinda curious though...hmm but I liked the idea and it was interesting to read!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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I love it. SO beautiful... i liked how you wrote it. It's so sad though, good job!
People look at you with many thoughts running through their head.
Trouble-maker. Bully. Jerk. Pants on the ground. But me, only 1 thought runs through my head.
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I really like it, somehow it had a depth into it that sucked me in. It also has a very mysterious air that made me feel like I was at the funeral of someone I didn't know. Other people have already commented on grammar and mine isn't great so I can't really pick holes. :D
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