L.A Hotel Room

After four hours' sleep and too much Chinese food
(more than half of which now festers in a drawer),
we fisherman-stare at the magical box which now spews
entertainment news and cake contests.

The evergreen light of a Holiday Inn
spills into our six-berth two-bedded room
in an L.A hotel. It holds us well;
one sitting in the chair, two sleeping on the beds,
one sitting at each foot, and the last curled on the floor.
Conversation is
a blanket now-everything we've
already said, threaded tightly to keep us
together and warm.

Somewhere (don't ask, can't read a map),
you morning-doze through Spain's first summer storm
of 2009. I can't picture it.

You, whose every curve and line slots in with mine,
are now constituted of Skype conversations
and my feeble recall,
are almost my ironed sheets and the hotel shampoo,
you, you- I could almost pour you into my cereal now
and think nothing of it, dress my conversations in your words,
and this would be no child of the ache in my chest.

Why is it so hard to just connect the dots?

I fisherman-stare at the magical box.

Did you copy and paste? That can occasionally cause problems or you might want to check which format you have selected <3

So. This one's quite the enigma. I only have a half formed idea but there's something strong and visual about this poem. I'm just not sure what the lines in between are hinting at. Perhaps I'll find my own double meaning when I read it through the second time...

After four hours sleep and too much Chinese food
(more than half of which now festers in a drawer),
we fisherman-stare [A lovely piece of imagery. I wouldn't have thought to use it myself but I know just what you mean, staring but not really seeing, waiting for something else to happen, that feel of being in between. It's so very fitting which is what makes you amazing!] at the magical box which spews
entertainment news and cake contests. [I think you could pick out something more important in this last line. Something more significant to who your character is perhaps? A hint of something he/ she might watch on TV.]

The evergreen light of a "Holiday Inn"
spills into our six-personed two-bedded room [A bit of a mouthful. Perhaps 'six-berth two-bedded' would work just the same.]
in an L.A hotel. It holds us well;
one sitting in a chair, two lying on the beds,
one sitting at each foot, and the last curled on the floor. [It's all quite easy going phrases. I'd like something that suggests how they feel about it too. Like if they feel confined, maybe crippled on the floor or if it's quite normal to them relaxed on the beds or maybe something more creative entirely like ballooned in the chair.]

Somewhere (don't ask, can't read a map), [I like.]
you morning-doze through Spain's first summer storm
of 2009.I can't picture it. [Again, I like. Good stanza, direct and powerful.]

You, whose every curve and line slots in with mine,
are now constituted by "Skype" conversations
and my feeble recall,
are almost my ironed sheets and the hotel shampoo,
you, you-I could almost pour you into my cereal now
and think nothing of it, dress my conversations in your words,
and this would be no child of the ache in my chest.

Why is it so hard to just connect the dots? [One of my favourite lines.]

I fisherman-stare at the magical box.

Okay so I also like the return to your earlier stanza and overall I really do love it. This is clever, it's like a bundle of thoughts and fleeting emotions that you have to sort of entangle, I like how it's sort of half an idea in places and then it's moving on again, that's what makes it feel like thoughts to me. The flows very nice most of the time and the only complaint is that I'd perhaps like it to be a tiny bit longer. I'd like a few more of those disconnected thoughts to be expanded or touched on. It's great though and better the second read around. I felt like I got more out of it that time

Heather xx

Thanks a mil Kit. I'll think about expanding,and looking at re-wording how my characters are arranged around the room in the second stanza...mostly they were just tired, and too used to each other to be standing on ceremony...so maybe I'll have them more sprawled and overlapping...and have one asleep...that could work.

Great imagery! I think this is the first narrative poem I've read from this site and I must say how much I enjoyed it. It flowed nicely,there was no award lines and capitalization and tense was correct all the way through. It was a nice change to the more serious poems I read this one was more light hearted. Good work! keep writing!

Hello Jasmine!
I enjoyed this, and I couldn't find very many problems with it. However, it seems as though you improperly quoted a lot of words. Holiday Inn should be italicized, and Skype should be left alone.
Other then that, I felt as though this read more like an essay then a poem. Although you had great imagery, your adjectives were rather bland, and I although I can't quite put my finger on it, there was something about the poem that didn't posses any lyrical beauty.
Not that its bad, but it just need work.
PM if you have questions, and please keep writing.