You'd Hurt Me

*I have edited it according to those of you who gave me advice as to what is a bit too repetetive or other things. Thanks for the great ideas!*

A whispered word
Too soft to regret
Delayed goodbyes
Too painful to forget
A love destroyed
You took my heart away
A bleeding lullaby
Burned by the light of day
I cry to you again
But there is no reply
You've left me with this letter
Hardly even a goodbye
But I have now before me
A decision to make
Why should I care for others
If all they'll do is take?
I won't belong to anyone
I'll be alone for good
My heart is made of stone forever
Just like it always should

I liked this when it was one line in a chat a looong time ago, it's ten times better now. Your poetry speaks, it tells its own story. Keep writing, if only for my own selfish indulgence.
~Shaard.

I didn't exactly like this poem and I thought it was sort of cliche... but maybe not in a bad way. Most of the poems I've read by the Young Writers seem to have this melancholy tone... which I also found in your poem.

I guess if so many people are writing it there must be a demand for the gloomy though right? So, with that in mind, I would love this poem if I were feeling a little heartbroken or maybe even betrayed. I liked your word choice, especially when you related your heart to

a bleeding lullaby

, and again when you said

burned with the light of day.

These lines help make the poem more visually enticing.

I didn't really like your last line however,

just like it always should.

I didn't understand it. Why should your heart always be made of stone? I think that this is just my opinion however, and your poem should be the way you want it. So, you should keep it the way it is,(just not my taste I guess).

Overall I didn't particularly like the poem, but probably it's because I don't relate very well. Otherwise I had a hard time critiquing your work... it seemed pretty perfect in its purpose if you ask me. So really good job. I think you've nailed it.

--
kawriter

XDarkSpiralX wrote:You've left me all alone
I don't even know why

you should take out this line; it's a little overused and the last sentence doesn't flow as well. Also, you said something to the same effect in the rhyming couplet before.
I hope that helps. Besides that, it was really good. I agree with the person above about the last line.
keep rhyming and writing.
Empress

Hey, Spiral!

I must say, you're rhyming was rather nice. It wasn't too forced, and it came across as subtle and effective. Inevitable, it didn't distract at all. So well done on that.

But I think the others are right when they say the concept is overused and redundant. That's why you need to hit us with a back-story, giving the feelings and the emotions some sort of reason for existence. Don't just say "you broke my heart" or whatever. That's dull, and it says nothing. Personally, I love the mysterious, shadowy poems that just kind of imply things as they keep the reader active and thinking.

Go back to the drawing-board for a minute. I'm not saying to abandon this poem, but to simply collect the great ideas and enhance them to something memorable, and pretend you're writing prose. The only way you can truly get to know a character and appreciate them, understanding their emotions is to describe them. What happened? Why? Could anything have been done? Was it? What then? And the list goes on - use your imagination. That's an awful lot to condense into a poem, but once you know the story you can pick bits out and draw on them.

Those are some tips - but on the material side, we need some more imagery. It connects with the story more freely, too, as it draws in on a viewpoint of a character and develops a theme. For example, describing something like a bottle of milk give the impression of a child-like story, perhaps? But don't just throw them in to sound good. Metaphors are a little more subtle and can completely change the atmosphere to even the most overused idea.

So! PM me if you post something new up (or have and I have completely missed it). Good luck. =D

Blinky

Hey Spiral!

What this poem needs is some personality! We have a bunch of gloomy images, some laments about broken hearts... but nothing about you personally. And what can I say? We need you to inject some you in it! What makes this heartbreak unique from all the other heartbreaks? More particularly, what can you (yourself) inject in this poem to make this heartbreak seem unique?

And yeah, I know, this critique is kind of annoying, but a couple years back, I thought that it was only acceptable to write about "typical" images in poetry (hearts, sadness, shadows, whatever). But last year, I was upset from a horrific quantum mechanics test (don't ask... it's a whole course on the mathematics of electron movement within the atom... yeah... bad test). It was a gloomy, cold day and I was unhappy, and suddenly the sun came out and everything warmed up. And it was just so beautiful that I wrote a poem called, "photons, excite!" which was about electrons jumping for joy from the sunshine. And I think that was my best poem I wrote. So don't be afraid to be quirky or different or you. You're awesome. So why not use your unique, wonderful, creative self and write about whatever you want? Remember... poetry is only limited by your imagination. Don't be afraid to be creative.

Wow, everybody, thanks for the harsh critisism, I needed that. You gave me some good ideas, and I will try to use them all to their best potential. And ok, Blinky, I'll let you know. I actually have alot of work...but I believe it's all been reviewed anyway, and it's not too good.

~ Spiral