Prologue to Alastair

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“May I have this dance, Miss Kathryn?”
Kathryn beamed up at Alastair. He was so beautiful and rather wealthy, too. What a perfect match they would make! He would be a perfect husband.
She smiled and took his hand. He led her to the dance floor silently.
As they twirled around d the room, people stared. Everyone already knew that separately Kathryn and Alastair were the most beautiful youths in the county, but no one had realized how angelic they looked together. The dance floor cleared. All of the other dancers were stunned motionless.
Kathryn’s mother was smug, she was sure that Mrs. Hammond was burning with jealousy. No one ever danced with awkward, little Lucy Hammond. Surely Alastair would ask for Kathryn’s hand, there was no doubt in Mrs. Browne’s mind. Her daughter would be well admired in this match.
All of the spectators marveled at the graceful sight before them, but none of them noticed how uncomfortable the dancing pair was.
“Will you ask for my hand, soon?” Kathryn had inquired, utterly sure of her self.
“No.” Alastair had answered evenly.
Kathryn’s brow furrowed and her lips puckered. “I don’t understand. You plan to wait? Why?”
“Kathryn Browne, I have no intention of marrying you. I’m sorry if my attempts at enjoying a dance have somehow misled you.” he said emotionlessly. In reality he couldn’t stand Kathryn. He found her to be vain and ill-mannered, but his father adored her, mostly for her beauty, and had ordered Alastair to dance with her, hoping that he would get over his aversion to her. Mr. Grey was just as aware of what a beautiful couple they made as everyone else and it was his greatest wish to have his only son marry a beautiful woman. All he wanted was to be admired for the success of his children, but Mrs. Grey had different aspirations. She wanted her children to be happy and that did not always come hand in hand with Mr. Grey’s ideas of success.
Alastair’s two older sisters were both married to handsome business men. The oldest, Tonya, to the heir of a cotton tycoon and the middle child, Lillian, to a French merchant. Tonya had moved to Georgia and Lillian had been whisked away to France. The Greys had gotten lucky with these matches. Both men were very wealthy, therefore appeasing Mr. Grey, and very kind and good, making Mrs. Grey a happy woman.
Yet, recently Mr. and Mrs. Grey had spent tense nights trying to decide what to do about their son. He was marrying age but showed no sign of admiring any of the local young ladies. To them Alastair seemed oblivious to the batting lashes and fluttering fans of his own admirers.
In truth Alastair watched every girl closely, trying to find something special. He was constantly begging his dormant heart to beat with love for one of them. It always ignored him and remained indifferent.
He wanted love like nothing else. In his life he was surrounded by people who looked at him but never took the time to know him. He felt lonely, empty like he was only a piece of something. His whole being urged him to find the rest of the pieces, to be whole.
He knew that the girl in his arms was not what he was looking for. Kathryn’s face had turned bright red out of embarrassment or anger, Alastair couldn’t tell. He watched the veins in her forehead and neck with dread; surely they would soon burst from the pressure.
“Miss Kathryn maybe you should sit down-” he began to say be she interrupted him quickly with a strange hiss. Her eyes were half crazed. She had never been rejected before and had no practice in dealing with it. Kathryn stared at him for a minute before she shoved him and turned to storm off.
She was met by a wall of bewildered partygoers. She spun around trying to find an escape but the room was crowded. Everyone who had been enjoying themselves elsewhere had found themselves drawn to the beautiful dancers.
Kathryn finally found a small young woman in front of a door. She charged towards the frail looking child, knowing that she would be able to get out of that door unopposed. Before Kathryn collided with the poor dear a hand reached out and pulled the lady out of the way. Kathryn disappeared through the doorway. Her momentum led her into a servant carrying spirits for the men in the next room. She crashed into the servant sending him to the floor and the drinks into the air. Both Kathryn and the servant, John, were drenched. She screamed a horrible screeching sound and stormed away, leaving John bewildered and on his bum.
Mr. Grey lifted John by his elbow. “Clean this up and then you’re done for the night.”
The young lady found herself in Alastair’s arms. “Oh, thank you!”
Alastair liked the sound of her soft voice. He wondered why he had never heard it before. “I’m sorry but I don’t believe we’ve met before, Miss…”
“Clarkson, Elise Clarkson. No, I don’t believe we have met. I’m visiting my aunt.” she smiled a tiny smile at him and something strange happened. His stomach was invaded by tiny butterflies that just wouldn’t stop fluttering.
“Well, Miss Clarkson would you like to dance?”
“That depends, are you going to make me as angry as you made her?”
Alastair laughed and shook his head.
“Then, I would very much like to dance.”
They maneuvered through the crowd that was still staring at the door where Kathryn had vanished. The frozen statues of the bystanders began to defrost as Alastair and Elise began their dance.
Elise was even more beautiful than Kathryn. Her hair was black as night and fell in gentle curls down her back. She was a tiny thing and had a very dainty appearance.
The rest of the night Alastair only danced with Elise and vice versa. Eventually the rest of the partygoers joined them on the dance floor.
Mr. Grey spent the night trying to find out who Elise’s family was. He would die of embarrassment if his only son ended up married to someone below him. Mrs. Grey was just happy that her son had finally found someone he admired.
The next day Alastair went into town. He found the slow routine of his home torturous and fled before anyone could stop him. The sound of his horse’s hooves and the beauty of the greenery around the trail soothed him a bit. His thoughts made circles in his mind, always leading back to Elise. He wondered where she was and wished he could visit her. He had asked his father if he knew who her Aunt was but no one seemed to know. It was strange.
“Alastair Grey!”
Timothy Browne’s voice broke him from his reverie. Timothy was standing in the middle of the old dirt road with his hand resting on his hip. Alastair pulled the reigns and climbed off of his horse. He tied her to a nearby tree and turned to face Kathryn’s brother.
“Hello Timothy.”
“You low down scum! How could you do that to my sister? You’ve ruined her!” Timothy yelled. He had always had a bad temper and just like his sister he was prone to overreaction. In fact, the previous night Kathryn-in her embarrassed hysteria- had spun a tale, leading her dear brother to believe that more had happened with Alastair than his mere refusal.
“Timothy, all I did was dance with her! Now, calm down and let’s talk about this.” Alastair began to walk slowly towards him.
Timothy pulled his gun from its holster and Alastair froze. No one had ever pulled a weapon on him before. He was unarmed; he didn’t like to carry guns around, knowing how rash actions and guns didn’t mix well.
Alastair began to speak, but before he could Timothy raised his arm and fired one shot, avenging what he thought of as the wronging of his sister.
.....

Elise, hours later, found poor Alastair lying in the tall grass to the side of the road. She was drawn by the scent of the blood that escaped his body. At first glance she knew that he wouldn’t survive this but she could hear the faint beat of his weak heart that was still trying to operate.
She quickly picked him up and hurried off.
....
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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And here's the link to Alastair:
post624862.html#p624862
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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As they twirled around d the room, people stared.


Everyone already knew that separately Kathryn and Alastair were the most beautiful youths in the county, but no one had realized how angelic they looked together.


What makes them more beautiful than other people and why are they angelic together. Sorry if I sound like I am nitpicking, but I would like to know why, and if one person does, there are bound to be others.

Kathryn had inquired, utterly sure of herself.


“No,” Alastair had answered evenly.


Only when the next sentence has nothing to do with saying that he answered or said or etc . . . in any way do you put a period.

I’m sorry if my attempts at enjoying a dance have somehow misled you,” he said emotionlessly.


Same as above.

he began to say before she interrupted him quickly with a strange hiss.


No, I don’t believe we have met. I’m visiting my aunt,” she smiled a tiny smile at him and something strange happened.


Mr. Grey spent the night trying to find out who Elise’s family was. He would die of embarrassment if his only son ended up married to someone below him. Mrs. Grey was just happy that her son had finally found someone he admired.

The next day Alastair went into town. He found the slow routine of his home torturous and fled before anyone could stop him. The sound of his horse’s hooves and the beauty of the greenery around the trail soothed him a bit. His thoughts made circles in his mind, always leading back to Elise. He wondered where she was and wished he could visit her. He had asked his father if he knew who her Aunt was but no one seemed to know. It was strange.


Put a double space between these two to show that there was time in-between. It also signifies that it is the end of that dance they are at and it is moving on to a new part.

This story is actually pretty interesting, but it doesn't sound like prologue material. I would say it belongs in Chapter 1. Except for the few things I found here and there, the story is otherwise fine and I think you should continue on with it. I am going to follow the link to the next part of it and continue. But remember, if you have any questions or need a good, honest review, don't hesitate to PM. Your writing style seems awesome, and I wouldn't mind reading more of your work.

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Lethero, The Alpha Male
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*Lethero*




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This was interesting and I enjoyed it. Good job! :)

Character development:
I felt you did a really good job with this, especially with giving the reader an emotional feel for the characters. I didn't like Kathryn, she annoyed me (though I have to admit at first I was okay with her, but that was before Alastair gave his opinion of her). That's great though, because it is the effect you were trying to get across.

I also really liked Alastair and his mother, while I was slightly "eh" about his father.

Yay for character development!

Prologueness:
This almost seems like a first chapter (like Lethero said), but I am going to see what's up in the next part you linked.

One thing you should clear up...

The young lady found herself in Alastair’s arms. “Oh, thank you!”


This was the one "a hand" pulled out of the way. It didn't even seem like Alastair was anywhere near where Kathryn exited and almost trampled this young lady. I understand you're trying to keep it a little mysterious, but it's too subtle. Try to clear it up a little for the readers sake.

Keep going with this! I want to see more!

-Lauren
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Hello! I read this story over a few times, because it's very well written. It reminded me a lot of Pride and Prejudice.

Talulahbelle wrote:“May I have this dance, Miss Kathryn?”


I really like this line, but it sort of feels like we are starting off in the middle of the story. Perhaps you could describe how desired and handsome Alastair was before this line, so we share the shock that Kathryn is feeling.

He was so beautiful and rather wealthy, too.


Even though you can call women handsome and men beautiful, I'd change it to handsome. It just seems a little more stu-ish when you call a man beautiful.

What a perfect match they would make! He would be a perfect husband.

Why does Katherine think that?

“Will you ask for my hand, soon?” Kathryn had inquired, utterly sure of her self.

There shouldn't be a comma after hand.

“Kathryn Browne, I have no intention of marrying you. I’m sorry if my attempts at enjoying a dance have somehow misled you.”

This part almost made me cry. Good job conveying the emotion. By the way, there should be a comma rather than a period after you.

In reality he couldn’t stand Kathryn. He found her to be vain and ill-mannered, but his father adored her,


Why does Alastair think that?

She was met by a wall of bewildered partygoers.


party goers.

She spun around trying to find an escape but the room was crowded.

Comma after escape.

Other then that, your story was was absolutely terrific. However, I couldn't see very much originality in the piece. It read more like a retelling of pride and prejudice, with the male as the main character. If it is intended to be a retelling, say that. Otherwise, use your creative talent that went into the writing of this to find originality.
PM if you have questions.

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