Her Happiness

Her world is nothing
But loneliness and wonders
Time to time she would cry
Herself to sleep and hope
She could never wake up from her dreams
Her dreams are the closest thing
In her colorless life she could get to perfect
Instead of taking her ‘happy pills’
She closes her eyes once more; where she is left at peace.

This poem has no plot. Whatsoever. none. It doesn't have a beginning or end, or even middle. It is a sentence. It has good feeling, so it is a little redeemed, but you need to give the poem more! What does he/she do about it?

Okay Kat I agree with Flyers You need to expand on this idea because we don't know what is happening around her or anything. It's just a small bit of what is happening to her. How does that effect the people around her? What has lead her to do this? Expand on it. Also you should try and break up the lines a little more right now it looks like a paragraph. It's a poem get creative with the lines.

~peanut~

Hi Kat,
Welcome to Yws!

First I'm going to look at what you have here and then I'll go on to tips for a possible rewrite.

The first thing that the reader notices when they see your poem is the structure, so it's important to have a clear layout. If you're unsure as to where to put line-breaks, read it aloud (it's good to read poetry aloud in general so that you get a sense of the sound). I'd try something like this, but this is just an example, so you can see what I mean;

"Her world is nothing full of loneliness and wonders.
Time to time she would cry herself to sleep
and hope she wouldn’t wake up from her dreams.
Her dreams were the closest thing
in her colorless life, she wishes were right in front of her.
Instead of taking her ‘happy pills’ which then,
she could see her fantasies with her eyes closed;
where she was actually left at peace."

I'd also watch your tenses-it starts in the present tense and goes to past and back to present and then past, so I'd pick one and stick to it. Personally I think past would be more effective, but that's just my personal opinion.

Your depiction of the character is interesting and you give a good sense of her. I think it could be slightly stronger though. In your rewrite I'd focus more on the specifics of how she looks when she's upset, rather than her emotions/thoughts. Can you show her distress from her appearance, from her interaction with others, from how she talks, without directly saying how she feels or what happens to her?

Hope this helps.

Jas

This is an okay poem, it's small there there won't be much to say.
3rd line I think you need a from there, other wise it sounds awkward. From time to time.
It feels as though not all the lines transition too well.

Instead of taking her 'happy pills'

It does seem sort of random and I think you could use a better way to connect the poem with that last line.

Hey there!

Ok, so this was a little bland to read. This feels like you just tell us about it, without delving deeper into the meaning behind the poem. I feel like you're only showing us the surface here, and believe me the deeper meaning is a lot more interesting than the surface.

In addition, you might need to work on your punctuation. It needs punctuation to help the flow. And without flow the poem doesn't work. Also, remember that you don't need to capitalize the first word of every line, now just treat the rules like you would prose.

Hope I helped!

~Amy