Autumn

Autumn is the best season I've ever seen
it isn't hot or breezy
as in other seasons i feel

i like to see when it falls
during this season my grandma calls

green,yellow,orange and red
all the colors fall on my head

many children collect and throw down the hill
one day even i will.



thanks.
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tell me if something wrong ............................[color=#0000FF][/color]

FIRST OFF:

You MUST make a review of at least 2-3 works BEFORE posting your own. Otherwise your works will get unnoticed. I'm just doing this because I think you may have missed that part of the introduction. I'm not supposed to be reviewing this either but I feel like it anyway. So please, upon reading this, review, review, review!

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REVIEW

it isn't hot or breezy

"nor" breezy

as in other seasons i feel

well, I think this sounds better as it matches the first line "as other seasons make me feel".

i like to see when it falls
during this season my grandma calls

this little part here seems unnecessary. unless you expound about how you like your grandma calling, you can just edit this one out.

one day even i will.

this one's too short, it doesn't make me read it as "one day even I will."
try "collect and throw one day I will"

Hello there. I totally agree with anima said. However, he failed to mention that you do get one freebie, but you have posted three literary works and you have no reviews. You're going to need to write nine reviews to stay up to par. Once you do, you'll get another freebie. Now, onto the review.

sana wrote:Autumn is the best season I've ever seen
^
Hmm, the first line of this poem seems a little bit dull. It doesn't have the poetic feel that I love, as there is not really much a punch.
Perhaps you could revise it so it reads;

Autumn.
The best season I've ever seen. You could also interchange the period after 'Autumn' with a semi-colon, it's up to you.

it isn't hot or breezy
as in other seasons i feel

^
The first line of this stanza is okay (just fix what the reviewer above me told you to fix), but I don't really like the second part of it. I understand what you are trying to say, but other readers might not get that message. You could change it to, 'like summer, winter and spring'.

i like to see when it falls
^
When what falls? The leaves? Try to add that in so you're a little more specific.

during this season my grandma calls

green,yellow,orange and red
all the colors fall on my head

many children collect the leaves and throw them down the hill

one day even i will.
^
This is a cute ending, but it is a tad confusing, considering the narrator is someone who loves autumn. Wouldn't she already be partaking in said activities?

Overall
This poem was alright. You do have the things you need to work on, which I listed in my above review. You don't say leaves at all in the poem, as if it was some sort of swear word. If you decided to see if you could write a fall poem with out saying the world 'leaf', that's alright, but you need to make it a little less obvious. You didn't bother finding a different word to fill 'leaf' in, and the result is confusing.

In addition, you're supposed to capitalize the first word of every line in poetry. Other then that, great job, and I hope you keep writing.
PM me if you have any questions.

Hello anima! Welcome to YWS.

When I read poetry, I tend to look for something that just intoxicates me with beauty, especially with something about autumn, which is a really pretty season! With that said, I really liked your line about colors falling on your head. That was a really joyous vision and I loved it!

With that said, much of your poem seems more like an essay than a poem! For instance, you introduced your poem with a topic sentence! As much as you may like school, you really don't need to introduce your poem sentence! It's best to dive right in, just like you would into a pile of leaves.

Other thoughts! The grandma calls line sounded like you were simply trying to rhyme. Though poetry can rhyme, it doesn't have to. As long as it can dance on its own, it's lovely, rhyme or no rhyme. So don't restrict yourself if you're having a hard time thinking of a line that doesn't have a rhyming ending with it! The point is not to force your poem into an awkward rhyming scheme. The point is to give it lovely images that make the poem dance.

And Elinor is slightly wrong... you don't have to capitalize the first word of every line in poetry. As long as your poem dances, it's fine to do whatever you want. So you were fine.

Good luck, and nice to see you on YWS!

LOL this one's not mine