Remember Me; A Tribute

I wrote this in the memory of a family who lost their mother due to breast cancer.
Stay strong <3

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I examine her face. Her pale blue eyes that once used to remind me of the sky, now a dull and empty pit. Her frail cheekbones, once a soft rose color, now sunken in. Her hair once long and cascading down her back, now just some fuzz on a bald head. She is sleeping peacefully, her eyes closed. Highlights of blue and purple mark them, making my own begin to blur with tears. She moans and I quickly pause. Is she awake? Is she okay? Is she in pain? Does she have everything she needs? These multitudes of questions race through my mind, none of them being answered.
“Momma?” She croaks out, her voice barely a whisper, her lips dried.
“Yes, Tibby? How are you feeling?” I ask grabbing hold of her cold, pale hand.
“I’m fine. How are you?” She says looking at me her eyes filled with helplessness.
“Fine.” I reply, though I know that my own blood shot red eyes, frazzled hair, and weak smile shout the opposite.
“Were you crying?” She asks her voice full of innocence.
“No, I-I wasn’t crying.” I lie.
“Mom. I know I don’t have much time. I can feel it.” She begins to say.
I interrupt her, trying to make her think otherwise.
“No, please. First listen to me. Please?” She asks, and I cannot say no so I nod my head ‘yes’.
“When I go away, in heaven to be with God I want you to be happy. Don’t cry. If you cry then who’s going to take care of papa and Georgia? You need to be strong for them. Okay? Promise me that.”
I stare at this child that was once a playful girl full of energy, the life of the home, now so helpless lying in a white bed for days straight. All this happened because of a disease. I never thought this could happen to my family. Never! My family was healthy, strong, we never expected this! We never wanted this. Her eyes scanned my face, searching for a reaction.
“All right. I promise.” I say, this is the least I could do. She was right though; she was on her death bed. I wanted to be able to know that she left in peace, not worrying about anything.
We sat there in silence for a while listening to the birds chirp outside and watching the sun come out, and the noise of the hustle bustle of the city as it woke up. The start of the new day was the end of one for my dear daughter.
“Mama?” She said after a while.
“Yes?” I said gently rubbing her forehead.
“You know what I am going to miss?” She questioned.
“What?” I asked, pausing.
“I’m going to miss waking up to see the sun peeping through the clouds. I’m going to miss all the lovely friends I made. I’m going to miss Mrs. Rene, she was such a nice teacher. I’m going to miss feeling the wind against my face whenever I rode on Beauty, which reminds me. Make sure to feed her the hay only from the other horse shop…Smithy’s. She doesn’t like Mike’s hay.”
I nodded letting her continue.
“I’m going to also miss papa and Georgia. I wanted to be able to see Georgia on her first day of kindergarten. I really did mama! I don’t think I can anymore though.” She said solemnly looking down.
“Most of all Mama, I’m gonna miss you.” She said, as a tear made it’s way down her face.
I choked back my own tears, but soon even that burden became hard to carry on my shoulders. I begin to let everything pour out. The pain, the agony, the wait. Everything.
“Don’t cry momma. I love you. Thank you for everything.” She said wrapping her small arms around me, engulfing me in a love filled hug.
“I love you too sweetheart. I love you too.” I replied.
I sat there crying in her arms, wishing for it to all just go away. Then I stopped, only to see my dear daughter leaving this earth forever. Her body now lifeless but her soul floating up making the journey across, to be in a place full of happiness and no pain, to The Gates of Heaven.
I’ll miss you Tibby, I’ll miss you. Never forget, I love you.

Hey JD!
Pudin here with the promised review.

So, I liked this, I liked the topic of the

Hey JD! I'll be your reviewer today

. Her hair once long and cascading down to her back,

This would sound better if it was just "Her hair once long and cascading down her back," Take out the to.

She is sleeping peacefully, her eyes closed, highlights of blue and purple around them.

Try doing, "She is sleeping peacefully, eyes closed. Highlights of blue and purple surround her eyes, making my own begin to fill with tears."

. She stirs and I pause. Is she awake? How is she feeling? Is she in pain? Does she need anything? All these questions race through my mind, none of them answered.

A better way would be, "She stirs and I quickly pause. Is she awake? Will she be okay? Is she in pain? Does she have everything she needs? The multitude of questions race through my mind, none of them being answered.

"Momma?” She says, her voice hoarse, her lips dry.

Try: "Momma?" she whispers in a small, hoarse, voice, and I can see just how dry her lips are.

I ask, grabbing hold of her cold pale hand.

No comma. Try the trick my English teacher told me with commas and adjectives. If you put cold and pale it doesn't sound so good, so a comma doesn't need to be there.

She says looking at me.

I think this would sound better: She says, looking at me with tired eyes.

“Fine.” I reply, though I know my blood shot red eyes, frazzled hair, and weak smile shout the opposite.

Love this! Makes a really great picture of the narrator in my mind.

I say. Lie.

Just say lie here.

I intterupt her trying to make her think otherwise.

Intterupt should be interrupt. And say: "I interrupt her, trying to make her think otherwise."

“I’m going to miss waking up to see the sun peeping through the clouds. I’m going to miss all the lovely friends I made. I’m going to miss Mrs. Rene, she was such a nice teacher. I’m going to miss feeling the wind against my face whenever I rode on Beauty, which reminds me. Make sure to feed her the hay only from the other horse shop..Smitty’s. She doesn’t like Mike’s hay....“I’m going to also miss papa and Geogria. I wanted to be able to see Georgia on her first day of kindergarden. I really did mama! I don’t think I can anymore though.” She said solemnley.

“Most of all Mama, I’m gonna miss you.” She said, as a tear slid down her face.

Makes me cry! Great job, very well written and descriptive. I can almost see it. Also "solemnley" needs to be solemnly.

“Don’t cry momma. I love you. Thank you for everything.” She said while wrapping her arms around me.

Try: She said, while wrapping her arms around me.

I sat there crying in her arms, wishing for it to all just go away. I finally stopped and let go to see her gone. Gone forever. Her arms became limp, her body lifeless, her soul floating above the earth now.

Try putting: I finally stopped and let go, only to see her leaving our world. Leaving forever...her soul floating up to The Gates of Heaven. It just makes it sound more loving and paints a picture in the reader's mind.

I’ll miss you Tibby, I’ll miss you. Never forget, I love you.

Maybe you should put this in italics. It seems like maybe the narrator's thinking it, and I wasn't sure if that was it or if it was you saying that.

Overall, I really liked it. It totally made me cry, and it was very well written and descriptive. I hope that you and your friends and family are doing okay. Lovely work dear.

Hey here to review.
Being something of a memoir - rather than a short story - I wasn't looking for any moral or theme or general idea yet something still resonated, something small and not too subtle but there was definitely something satisfying about the conclusion so I commend you. Just a few comments.

Avoid cliches and tired metaphors. eg, 'shine like the sun' and 'She stirs.' We are all guilty of slipping in cliches but, they are tired and don't stimulate much in the reader. There is always a new,exciting, imaganitive way of saying something I suggest you find it.

Death is a cliche due to the nature of the piece I won't harp on. You have hardly found new unused form of departure. You only just got away with it, and perhaps it has something to do with the fact this story is influence by a real event but you did get away with it. You're first line is unique and sets the story off nicely so well done.

a tear slid down her face

I wasn't comfortable with this imagery and it made me pause for a moment and halted the flow of the piece. Theres something about the use of the word 'slid'. It maybe just me though.

Nice piece, truely touching. I wonder what reponse it would have stimulated had I not known the backstory however? Anyway I liked it. Well done.

JD!!
I'm so sorry, my computer went nuts yesterday, but here i am now.

So, I loved your story, the topic was very sentimental, very sad and moving but let's begin witht he review.

so, I know its a short story but I think that if you extended it more, then you would give more sapce for imagery and description, because right now the description and even the feelings were described quite superficially, nothing that would make the reader start crying for real.
Another thing I noticed was that you bbegan with your verbs in present tense at the beginning but once you got to the middle you started using past tense. I would say you check that because it makes the story quite confusing.
SO it was the narration of the mother but her feelings were not very described and that led to the sotry missing that drama and feeling that it was supposed to have. Also, I think you should give us a hint of how the mother looked.
And also Tibby, you mentioned that she was a healthy girl so i think that mentioning the cahnge through the years or months due to the cancer would actually made the story a little bit more dramatic.
what I consider was the best thing of your story, was that even though things could have been described better, you still managed to get the reader's full attention.
Now for the last part, it was good I love it but I really think that it could have been better. It seemed a bit rushed, try to slow it down a bit and add a little bit more feeling to it.

But overall, I really liked and it was really touching.

Hi JD. Like I told you this did make me cry (I'm a sap what can I say).

I examine her face. Her pale blue eyes that once used to remind me of the sky,

Okay. This sentence has the words once and used to. These basically mean the same thing so I would recommend you taking out the once. Not only that but it will sound better with your other sentence where you use once.

Never! My family was healthy, strong, we never expected this! We never wanted this. Her eyes scanned my face, searching for a reaction.

There is nothing wrong with these sentences that I can see. But when I read them I envisioned the narrator whispering these things in sorrow not exclaiming them to someone. I wouldn't use the exclamation marks.

“Don’t cry momma. I love you. Thank you for everything.” She said wrapping her small arms around me, engulfing me in a love filled hug.

Tibby says this right before she dies. She also gives her mother a hug. This shows me that she isn't ready to die, she still has some strength so I wouldn't expect her to just stop moving and be dead. I would make this more dramatic have her whisper this things while her mother clings to her or something like that. Because it was hard for me to imagine her dying right there.

It was a sad story and my condolences go out to you and the family who endured the events that inspired this tribute. Hope this helped.
~peanut~