The first page of a story.

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3971
Reviews 21
#FF00BF ">This is one of the first pieces i've wrote..Bit sci-fi.. i didnt know where it was leading so i stopped.
I tried to Do it from a male point of view. Please critique..


The Street lights flickered on and off. My hands started to shake and the slight moisture in my Sore eyes, decided to trickle down my blackish blue face. I desperately had to touch the ground and make sure that this image was definatly a dream. I couldn’t let myself believe that this moment was true because that would mean I would remember it in the future. In this life, Memory stays and plagues the mind, Wrapping round the smallest emotion and making it more prominent by just seeing one little thing.
The venomous concrete, scaly and damp, was definatly real and this meant one thing. The face in front of me was hers and only hers. Her once beautiful Aquatic eyes, now pure black and surrounded by shredded skin. Her Slender and perfect body, now a tattered and mutilated memory. Her pouted lips, once peachy pink and glossy, now drained and lifeless. Her death was no accident. A monster, a psychopath, a traitor. That was always a problem with shifting. You never knew when it would happen and you could end up doing something that would never occur to you. Like ripping your girlfriend apart, limb by limb. All could do was hate myself and bring her back. Sadly I couldn’t bring myself to deal with her. Bringing her back would only torture her further and I personally couldn’t handle more than one betrayal.
I strode towards her.
It was then I awoke.
“crap.” I mumbled to myself. Why did I let myself revive her.
I noticed a thin, tall girl walking towards me and scrutinizing my expression.
shall I walk past him ? Oh god, he is too gorgeous. Maybe if I flick my hair, He might just look at me and then I could start a conversation.
I felt sorry for her
Having the ability to inspire and revoke feeling in someone through the power of speach and thought. That is truly an art and that is why good Authors and writers are so unique and hard to find.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic58744.html

Power is in the words :)




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2297
Reviews 6
NeverendingPages wrote:#FF00BF ">This is one of the first pieces i've wrote..Bit sci-fi.. i didnt know where it was leading so i stopped.
I tried to Do it from a male point of view. Please critique..


The Street lights flickered on and off. My hands started to shake and the slight moisture in my Sore [b]sore eyes,(no need for comma)decided to trickle down myblackish black and blue face/bruised? I desperately tried to touch the ground to make sure that this imagevision? was definatly a dream. I couldn’t let myself believe that this moment was true real, because that would mean I would remember it in the future I couldn't bear the thought of looking back on this moment in the future. - better wording perhaps? In this life, memory stays and plagues the mind, wrapping itself around the smallest emotion and making it more prominent by just seeing one little thing at the trigger of the tiniest thing.
I became aware that the venomous why venomous?concrete, scaly and damp, was definatly definitely real and this meant one thing. The face in front of me was hers and only hers. Her once beautiful aquatic eyes, now pure black and surrounded by shredded skin. Her slender and perfect body, now a tattered and mutilated memory. Her pouted lips, once peachy pink and glossy, now drained and lifeless. Her death was no accident. A monster, a psychopath, a traitor. That was always a problem with shifting. You never knew when it would happen. and you could end up doing something that would never occur to you. Like ripping your girlfriend apart, limb by limb. All Icould do was hate myself and attempt to bring her back. Sadly I couldn’t bring myself to deal with her. Bringing her back would only torture her further and I personally couldn’t handle more than one betrayal. Don't say he's going to bring her back if he's not - it'll be more of a cliffhanger if toy leave it at that. I strode towards her.
It was then I awoke.
Crap.” I mumbled to myself. Why did I let myself revive her? This seems like a big deal, so make it one - "Crap" doesn't really seem to cover it.
I noticed a thin, tall girl walking towards me and scrutinizing my expression.
Shall I walk past him ? Oh god, he is too gorgeous. Maybe if I flick my hair, he might just look at me and then I could start a conversation. You need to make it clear these are her thoughts and he can hear them
I felt sorry for her [/b]



I think the storyline is really good and it started to get really exciting in the middle, you just need a bit of work on your basic grammar and development of the story line whilst making it realistic - hope that helps :)
"You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity." - Henry Bromel




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 33076
Reviews 1167
NeverendingPages wrote:My hands started to shake and the slight moisture in my Sore ((sore)) eyes, decided to trickle down my blackish blue face.


NeverendingPages wrote: I desperately had to touch the ground and make sure that this image was definatly ((definetely)) a dream.


NeverendingPages wrote:In this life, Memory ((memory)) stays and plagues the mind, Wrapping ((wrapping)) round the smallest emotion and making it more prominent by just seeing one little thing.


NeverendingPages wrote: was definatly ((definetely)) real and this meant one thing.


NeverendingPages wrote:Her once beautiful Aquatic ((aquatic)) eyes,


NeverendingPages wrote:Her Slender ((slender)) and perfect body,


NeverendingPages wrote: “crap.” ((Crap)) I mumbled to myself.


I think this is a pretty good start. The plot is intriguing, I would read more of this if you had it :) The ending was slightly confusing though. He was saying he didn't want to bring her back but then he wakes up and he says he brought her back or something like that and then there's that girl that's trying to impress him. Is that the girl that died and came back or a different girl?
I have a lot of stories that I've kind of started but don't really know where they're going so I just let them be until I get some inspiration for them. I wouldn't delete this or anything because you don't know what's going to happen next. Someday a new little spark will come and then you can write more :)

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Ask a Therapist!
I want to beta read your novel!


Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3



Sometimes you don’t need metaphors to feel something breaking
— candyhearts