Back to Square One (3)

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View part one here.

View part two here.

CHAPTER TWO

Margaret put her brown, long hair in a quick pony-tail and drove off to Karen's house. She turned on the radio and scanned through all the stations until she found a hard-core metal station. You couldn't make out the words of the song. Margaret kept the volume low, she was thinking.

The neighborhood was nice, all the houses were similar and all the lawns were very green and had picket fences. All the houses were brick. "1202, 1202..." Margaret said looking for the address number. Finding it, she pulled in and parked in the cement drive way. She twisted the keys out of the ignition and exited the car immediately. Her fists banged on the front door of the wooden, double doors.

A skinny, tall lady with blond hair over her shoulders answered the door. "Hello? Oh! Hey, Margaret. How're you doin' today, hon?" Karen asked with a southern, friendly accent.

"Hi, Karen. Is Emma and Dean here?"

"Sure are, miss! Come on in," Karen greeted her nicely and swung open the door. "I just painted 'em walls a nice yellow color." She said pointing to the deep yellow hallway leading to the living room.

"They're nice," Margaret complimented.

"Yes... Now, Jason is off at his darned plumbin' business."

"How is Jason?" Margaret asked as she walked into the living room and plumped down on the white, soft couch.

"He is doing fine! He's at work doin' somethin', who knows? He never keeps in touch with me! Would you like a cup o' coffee? I got some in the kitchen, ya' know. I can fix you up right away."

I am a bit tired... "Yes, that would be good." Margaret paused for a moment, "thanks."

She glanced around the room as Karen went and prepared her cup of coffee. Beside her was an end table with an older, unique lamp, and across from her was a big, low-sitting table to put cups and stuff on. There was a big remote control going to a huge, flat screen television across the room facing Margaret.

Margaret glared right back at the television, she was unaware that a couple of minutes had passed when Karen came in. Karen put her face into Margaret's looking into her eyes. "Margaret?"

"Oh... Erm, sorry." Margaret said shaking her head.

"Coffee?" Karen handed her the hot cup of coffee and Margaret held it with both hands in her lap.

"Thank you."

"No problem, dear! How is that husband, Dan of yours? Haven't heard from that man since forever. Ya' know, Jason was wantin' to do something with him but he hasn't returned his phone calls... Man, phones these days. I don't know how you figure them things out! If they just had buttons to call peoples then I would be a'ight, but they have all this fancy junk on 'em -" Karen kept ranting on.

Now I remember why I never come here again... The woman never shuts up! Margaret's grip on the coffee mug suddenly tightened. Think of an excuse so this damn lady will shut up! Interrupting Karen, "we got a divorce..."

"Oh, hon!!! I am so sorry, please forgive me for my rudeness." She said immediately

"Where are my children?"

"There are in the back room restin' them little eyes of their's, want me to show you?"

"That would be wonderful." Margaret answered as she sat down her coffee mug on the table and followed her down a hall, past a staircase and into a small room with two beds, a little TV and a couple of toys. Dean's short, brown hair was totally crazy as Emma's blond hair was nice and controlled.

Margaret went up to Dean and Emma and gave them both a small peck on their foreheads. Her and Karen exited the room. "Karen, what is upstairs?"

"Just a couple of rooms and the master bedroom - I could give ya' a tour!" She said excitedly.

"That would be wonderful." They walked up the shag carpetted stairs and Karen lead her into the master bedroom. The room was paneled with dark wood and had a king sized bed with a white comforter. "Beautiful." Margaret complimented as Karen guided her to the bathroom door across from the bed.

"And, here, there is a small bathroom for us. It is quite a big ole' house for Dan and I. That's basically it, there is two other rooms - one is an office for me and the other is one for Dan's guitars. I hate 'em darned things. He is always playin' with those things and it just gets annoying." Shut up!

Karen walked to the staircase and began to slowly walk down as Margaret pushed her and let out a fake gasp. "Ah!!!" Karen screamed as she tumbled down the long staircase.

"Karen!" Margaret yelled. "What happened?" Margaret asked as she ran down the stairs and peared over her body lying on the carpet. She bent down to her level. "Karen?" She waved her palm across Karen's face. "Crap..." Margaret mumbled.

What do I do now? Karen's body is lying on the floor and Dan could be home any second! I know if that crazy hick finds her on the floor he's going to jump to conclusions - conclusions that might be correct.

Margaret walked hurriedly to the sink in the kitchen and got a glass from the drawer. She pushed up on the handle of the faucet and immediately cold water rushed out like a geyser. After a couple of seconds the glass was already overflowing, she pushed down on the handle and the water stopped rushing out.

She walked calmly over to Karen's body and took a deep breath as she poured the ice cold water on her face. "Karen, are you alright?"

Karen opened her eyes for a second and blinked a couple of times before wiping off her face. She sat up and glanced around a bit, "Whoo-wee! What happened? I-I remember some of it... Falling down the stairs, because -" She paused for a moment and blinked her eyes a couple of more times before they suddenly became wide and cautious.

"Karen?" Margaret asked. Does she know?! "W-what's wrong? You fell... by accident."

"Jason... Will be here any second, you best be getting home - he doesn't know I let the children stay and he might get... erm, angry."

"Alrighty... Are you okay?" Darnit...

Karen got up and left, going to the living room and getting out her big, junky cell phone. Margaret immediately went into the room where her children were and knelt down beside the two beds, in between them. "Dean, Emma, wake up." She said seriously, a bit loud so they would wake up. "It's time to go, and now."

Dean stretched his arms and legs and let out a big sigh as Emma sat up and stared. Margaret grabbed the little bag near the door that had all their stuff in and departured the house with Dean and Emma trailing behind.
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce




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I will review later, but good job so far!
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Hi, Logan! Great story, there must be a part 4! OK, here you go:

Margaret put her brown, long hair in a quick pony-tail


I suggest switching around the order of 'brown' and 'long'. It sounds better when said aloud that way.

You couldn't make out the words of the song.


Second person! Remember, if you use 3rd person pronouns in a story, don't switch to 'you', or second person. It's so annoying, and it's very common among writers!

Margaret kept the volume low, she was thinking.


Punctuation use seems a little off here. You might want to change the comma to a semicolon, and then add a little more detail in this sentence on what she's thinking about.

The neighborhood was nice, all the houses were similar and all the lawns were very green and had picket fences. All the houses were brick.


The second sentence seems a little redundant--you just said all the houses were similar, and it doesn't feel right, you know? Because the second clause of the 1st sentence starts with 'all the houses', and the second sentence starts with the same thing. The second sentence doesn't fit. Take it out or incorporate it into the previous sentences or into the following sentences.

Her fists banged


Usually, when you go up to someone else's house, you ring the doorbell or knock on the door with one fist. Margaret's very rude, isn't she? :) Just pointing that out to you; if someone did that on our front door, I'd slam the door closed on their face when I opened it. :D

Is Are Emma and Dean here?


There are two people here, so change 'is' to 'are'.

By the way, appropriate rating. I'm 13, and I feel very, very uncomfortable reading bad words. But it's OK, I can handle the pressure...:P

Dean's short, brown hair was totally as crazy as Emma's blond hair was nice and controlled.


Change 'totally' to as; it makes more sense in the sentence.

"Dean, Emma, wake up." She said seriously


Change period to comma and change 'S' to lowercase.

Margaret grabbed the little bag near the door that had all their stuff in itand departured departed from the house with Dean and Emma trailing behind.


Add bolded words; departured is not a word.

OK, great job overall! This story is turning out to be pretty interesting. :) You're going to make a part 4, right? Huh? Huh? (Don't mind me--I'm hyper! :wink:) Well anyway, thank you for asking me to review! Nice story! :smt001
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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Thanks you two! And there will definitely be a part four (I think...) haha. :)
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce




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I had really nothing to edit reading through this. I might look at it again later. But I thought it was really well done. It's getting more chilling with each part. Please message me when part 4 is done!
"If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead."
~Brian Kinney~



are we even writers if we never did huge research and used none of it?
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