That magic - A short story.

I wrote this in poem form, but I think short story explains it better... tell me what you think, and anything you think could improve it

I sit, quietly. I watch the busy people swarm past me. I feel lost…I feel empty. That special feeling is gone. The feeling of magic…there’s no other word to describe it. It’s stimulates your senses, and sends your heart a-pounding. It warms your blood, and thrills your mind. It fills you to excitement to the point where you think you’re going to implode. But now, it’s gone. I can’t find it, and now it’s cold as ice, biting and stinging from all around me. Where did it go? Why can’t I feel anything? I’m numb, from the inside out. Bring back that feeling. I’m dead without it. Let it revive my heart and excite my nerves. . . bring back that magic... that special magic. Bring back the warmth.

-Rach

First of all, I like the theme, but it seems like it would have been better suited to poetry, probably becuase of its length and the fact that it's more descriptive than plot-based. Perhaps if you lengthened it a little and developed the narrator more as an individual, then it would have suited the genre. That isn't saying it's bad, though; I think it would make an excellent poem.

Also, a little grammar note...

It’s stimulates your senses, and sends your heart a-pounding.

The 'it's' should just be 'it.'

Other than that, I like it, and wouldn't mind reading it again as a poem or more developed story.

Hi there Random. I'm Conrad.

So, I have to agree with the assessment of the person above me. This piece seems more like it would be better as a poem than as a short story. For one, nothing much really happens in it. The speaker sits on a bench, observes his surroundings, and makes an observation. In short stories, there usually has to be some kind of plot, a sequence of events. In a poem, this is not as important.

I would advise you to change this back into a poem, as, in my opinion, it would be more effective as one.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

The only thing that bugged me was this sentence - "It fills you to excitement to the point where you think you’re going to implode."

I'd change the first 'to' and write "It fills you with excitement", but that's just silly me perhaps But overall I enjoyed it, it was different in a good way, keep it up

Eek, no, I'm not sure if this would be better off as a poem!

Stories (or poetry, for that matter!) should always have a purpose or sense of direction. They should lead the reader somewhere. Right now, you have the story begin where she feels lost and then you have an entreaty to bring back the magic. But what happens? There must be conflict, always! Something must happen to move from the initial problem (loneliness) to the final scene. We need to know why this conflict matters and what is exactly at stake. Because there needs to be something at stake in order for us to really care what the final result is. And this will move you to the final conclusion. It can still end with an entreaty, mind you! But there must be some direction.

Hope this helps!