Emerald Eyes

I remember a time
so many years ago
when you jumped on my lap, arched your back and sighed
Emerald eyes.
I remember a place
so many years ago
where you'd lie in the sun and watch the clouds go by
Emerald eyes.
And if I could reverse the years that always take their toll
and fill the empty spots and vacant food bowl;
if I could go back to the years of your prime,
I'd hold you close, emerald eyes.
forever in time.

Wow, that was really emotional. I could tell you were talking about a cat...you were...right? Cause it was descriptive, but not too discriptive. I loved it, it reminded me about my cat. It was amazing how you called him/her Emerald Eyes in the poem, and I loved the ending. It was really profound. Great job.

Yep, it was my kitty (don't worry). Thanks!

Tori- This is really good. I didn't know you wrote poetry... I like the fact that you kept repeated "Emerald Eyes" it made it sound...more poetic. However, i am concerned. Is Gemma not doing well? This sounds like a poem meant to be read at a funeral.

I remember A time so many years ago

This sounds mildly depressing. But all in all it was really good

Hi! Just asking for a few more people to review. Thanks!

It was so cute and emotional ^^ When I first read about a week ago, I wasn't sure what it was about. I don't know why, but I thought it was about your brother or something. But when I read it now, I realized it was about your kitty. =D
It was full of love for your cat, and that was wonderful. I also love the referring to her as Emerald Eyes. That was really creative.

May I ask, what species is she? or is it a he?

Hello, Dreamy! I am Sunny, and I shall be your reviewer today. Or tonight. Or whenever it is for you right now.

Dreamy115 wrote:I remember
A time
so many years ago (This seems slightly cliche, and I think it would be better if you could opening with something a little more personal than "A time so many years ago". I think it is necessary for you to keep the time part, seeing as you are making a recurring statement with "a place / so many years ago", but with the phrase at the beginning, it doesn't feel exactly right, you know?)
when you jumped on my lap, arched your back and sighed
Emerald eyes (There is something about this that I love. Good job.)
I remember
a place
so many years ago
where you'd lie in the sun and watch the clouds go by
Emerald eyes
And if I could reverse the years that always take their toll (I capitalized the "a" at the beginning of this sentence because, even though punctuation is not required, I think it makes it feel more of the beginning of a new thought instead of a continuation.)
and not have to see the empty spots and food bowl
If I could go back to the years of your prime,
Id I'd hold you close, emerald eyes,
forever in time.

OVERALL: I really liked this poem. It has a perfect balance of rhythm and description, and you never outright say what you are talking about, so the reader can fit the poem personally if they wish. You had just a few punctuation and capitalization errors, and other than the difficulty with the opening line, I think this is very well written. Good job.

~Sunny

Great use of imagery. I like it that you don't use the cat's name or simply say "my cat." Its important that the reader gets a picture of what you're saying, and "Emerald Eyes" grabs the readers attention. I don't even like cats, but this poem made me smile.

Thanks everyone!

I like your use of repetition and subject choice. Those two things were well done, nice job.

For me, this didn't flow too well. Your line breaks seem off and I found myself stumbling whenever I tried to read it through. Maybe it would be a good idea to switch round line breaks/sentence structures so that the poem reads smoothly and therefore sounds a lot better. Poetry needs to sound good when it's read out loud, yes?

~Amy

I don't like how it's jagged like in the poem, not the greatest of structure. Also your imagery is nice and I do like where it takes us. So good job there. =]

Good job.
Keep writing and good luck.
Silented1.

Aw, this is such a sad poem! (and I have four kitties of my own!) It's very moving to a fellow cat lover.

Anyway, it's well written, but I think that you should rethink the way you split it into paragraphs.

"I remember/A time/so many years ago" for example is rather jumpy and detracts from the overall effect.

All in all, a very nice poem.

-Kelcia

So it was a little rough around the edges, but I think it's pretty good . Just a little pet peeve of mine when you write I'd, don't forget the apostrophe. I loved how without coming out and saying it was about a cat, I could tell that that was the subject. Keep writing.

I really liked this well done,
It was easy to tell that you were talking to a cat and the repetition with Emerald eyes was very good and made it sound poetic.

This is touching, written from real-life I'm guessing. Like others have said, the flow is a little jolted in places, but other than that the composition is pretty great.

One thing that needs work, though, is the grammar. The mistakes here kind of ruin the feel when noticed.

Dreamy115 wrote:I remember
A time
so many years ago
when you jumped on my lap, arched your back and sighed
Emerald eyes
I remember
a place
so many years ago
where you'd lie in the sun and watch the clouds go by
Emerald eyes
and if I could reverse the years that always take their toll
and not have to see the empty spots and food bowl
if I could go back to the years of your prime,
I'd hold you close, emerald eyes.
forever in time.

I've fixed it up there. You should be able to see the differences in the text. I've added an apostrophe, capitalized a few "i"s, and removed a couple of spaces at the beginning of lines.

The main thing you should work on here is grammar, everything else is pretty good.

~Aet