The Princess and the Knight: A Fable

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Very long ago, in a faraway land, there was a princess. She was beautiful in every sense of the word; her large eyes were a pale aqua green, and her permission hair, which fell in waves, was cut at her shoulders. Her skin was flawless and smooth, her figure toned and perfect.

One of the knights in the castle soon became interested in her beauty. He fell in love with the princess, and as it turned out, she was in love with him too. The knight wanted to marry her, but the King and Queen did not allow it. He was a lowborn, the son of a blacksmith, and thus not fit to marry the princess.

After this rejection, a clever idea began to form in the knight’s head.
“They say I am not rich enough,” he thought, “but that will change. Tomorrow I shall murder the king and queen. Then there will be no opposition to our marriage!”

And so it just turned out that there would be a banquet the following evening. The knight took this opportunity to buy some deadly poison. Before the banquet began, he snuck into the dining hall and put the poison in the glasses of the King and Queen.

And so the banquet came. The knight could not be in attendance, but he waited in the princess’ bedchamber, ready to tell her the news when she arrived.

It had all happened as planned. The King and Queen were dead, and the young princess was devastated. She went to her bedchamber, tears welling up in her eyes, so she could be alone. However, she was shocked to see the knight smiling and sitting on her bed.

“My dear child,” said the Knight, thinking it best to remain undercover for the moment, “what is wrong?”

“My parents have been poisoned,” she sobbed.

The Knight smiled and told her the whole story. “Don’t you see?” He concluded. “Now we can be together at last.” He tried the pull the princess close to kiss her, but she pushed him away.

“I shall never marry you,” she exclaimed. “Not when I know you have murdered two people very dear to me. You should have thought of how I would feel.”

It was then that the princess noticed the bottle of poison in the Knight’s hand. There was just enough. She took the bottle and forced the Knight to drink every last drop.

Hi, Teddy!

I found this a really cute story. xD It reminded me of the old-fashioned fairy tales and fables. I found a couple points though that are a bit confusing however, and I wonder if you either meant them or if they were overlooked.

First off, didn't the knights always win the girl at the end? Maybe my memory's just fuzzy. I didn't think it mattered that they were a blacksmith or a nobleman. The fact that they were knights meant they were some kind of nobility. Though maybe... I dunno. Maybe the knight always did something epic and the king would marry off his daughter to him. Not sure how that all works out.

How does a knight sneak into the dining hall? Wouldn't he be on duty?

Is the knight in her bed or just dawdling around? XD I got kind of lost there.

I'm not sure a small princess could force a burly knight to drink some poison. Not sure how she did it if you stick with it, but I think a revamp is in order at the end.

So I found the story very cute! I was upset that it was so short and lacking description, but that could just be me and my love for meaty stories. I like meat on mah bones. D: So yeah. xD If it's possible to fill it up with descriptions/explanations. I thought your description of the princes in the intro was very good! Do something like that with the rest of the piece and explain maybe a couple of the questions I had above.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thorn! Hai there. ^^

So, this was really cool. A good read. Unlike Jabs, I like short, snappy stories without too much meat. xD

Very long ago, in a faraway land, there was a princess. She was beautiful in every sense of the word; her large eyes were a pale aqua green, and her permission hair, which fell in waves, was cut at her shoulders. Her skin was flawless and smooth, her figure toned and perfect.

Normally I would pounce on you and bite you in half for purple-prose use, but I think that in a fairy tale you can get away with it. But while we're still on this paragraph, what does "permission hair" mean? I don't think "permission" is an adjective. =P

I don't think the son of a blacksmith could become a knight. Knights were usually the children of nobility. You can have another reason for the king and queen not wanting the princess to marry him, though - maybe they want her to marry a prince instead.

And so it just turned out that there would be a banquet the following evening.

This sentence seems out of place. Something about "it just turned out" seems way out of flow to me. I would revise it as "And so it happened that there would be a banquet the following evening." It fits the fairy-tale voice better in my opinion.

She took the bottle and forced the Knight to drink every last drop.

I love this, but like Jabs said, isn't it kind of unlikely? How about she takes the bottle and smashes it in his face before he can react? He'd probably swallow some, and it'd be awesome too. xD

Good work, and keep writing,

-Hawks-

Hi Elinor Brynn,

First of all, the picture doesn't make sense. Who is that blended into the trees? A nymph? A witch? Whatever she is, she doesn't appear at all in the story which makes the image seem unrelated. On another note, putting up pictures before a story is generally amateurish and takes away from the reader's experience rather than adding to it. Take it out.

Elinor Brynn wrote:Very long ago, in a faraway land, there was a princess. She was beautiful in every sense of the word; her large eyes were a pale aqua green, and her permission hair, which fell in waves, was cut at her shoulders. Her skin was flawless and smooth, her figure toned and perfect.

You need to refine the "her figure toned and perfect". You've already described her skin and hair and whatnot, and then zooming out and concentrating (vaguely) on the body itself throws the reader off. Isn't it implied that her beauty has more or less attained perfection? Why do you need to spell it out by claiming that it is "perfect"? Either specify what you mean or remove that part.

One of the knights in the castle soon became interested in her beauty. He fell in love with the princess, and as it turned out, she was in love with him too. The knight wanted to marry her, but the King and Queen did not allow it. He was a lowborn, the son of a blacksmith, and thus not fit to marry the princess.

"As it turned out" is a cheap and ineffective way to describe a turn of events. You skip over the exposition too rapidly. It's important to make this at least a little realistic, even though it is fantasy, and so saying that "something happened and then they were both in love" doesn't cut it. The reader needs information. Provide it.

After this rejection, a clever idea began to form in the knight’s head.
“They say I am not rich enough,” he thought, “but that will change. Tomorrow I shall murder the king and queen. Then there will be no opposition to our marriage!”

And so it just turned out that there would be a banquet the following evening. The knight took this opportunity to buy some deadly poison. Before the banquet began, he snuck into the dining hall and put the poison in the glasses of the King and Queen.

And so the banquet came. The knight could not be in attendance, but he waited in the princess’ bedchamber, ready to tell her the news when she arrived.

The only reason that this dry cut-and-paste imagery works is because this is supposed to be set in a "fable" context; that is, concise and meant to be told to a large amount of people, and thus memorized by the ones who tell the story, as is the case with all old fables. Otherwise, for any other type of story, this kind of description (or lack thereof) would not have sufficed. Keep that in mind.

And why would the knight want to tell the princess that he murdered the parents? Would it not be better simply to stay quiet and frame someone else?

It had all happened as planned. The King and Queen were dead, and the young princess was devastated. She went to her bedchamber, tears welling up in her eyes, so she could be alone. However, she was shocked to see the knight smiling and sitting on her bed.

“My dear child,” said the Knight, thinking it best to remain undercover for the moment, “what is wrong?”

"My dear child" sounds like a strange way to address a lover. I'm assuming you've done your research on how people spoke in the time period that you describe, so I am going to let this one go because of this faith. However, be aware that in general, you should know the dialect and mode of speaking that the people in your story should employ.

“My parents have been poisoned,” she sobbed.

The Knight smiled and told her the whole story. “Don’t you see?” He concluded. “Now we can be together at last.” He tried the pull the princess close to kiss her, but she pushed him away.

“I shall never marry you,” she exclaimed. “Not when I know you have murdered two people very dear to me. You should have thought of how I would feel.”

It was then that the princess noticed the bottle of poison in the Knight’s hand. There was just enough. She took the bottle and forced the Knight to drink every last drop.

No. This is too easy a solution to be plausible.

First of all, it is amazing that a princess, in the conventional fairytale sense, could overpower a military commander (for that is what knights are) and force a drink down his throat. You should at least find a way to do this that makes sense; for example, the princess could pretend to kiss him and then force, with lightning speed, the poison into his mouth when his defense is down.

Secondly, it's a boring ending. What you are saying is "He confessed his crime and she killed him. The end". This doesn't work on many counts. Most importantly, it doesn't encite the reader to feel the climax that he should upon reading what he perceives is going to be the most interesting part of the story - finding out how the princess takes revenge. This is never qualified, and instead we get a bland scene that is cartoonish in its execution. Remove the entire conclusion and try again; find a way of vengeance that will keep the reader interested - perhaps a poetic revenge or a mistake on the part of the prince that everyone overlooked until the very end.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Oh no tragedy. Well actually my book is the most tragic kind of tragedy, it can be quite depressing. Even for me as the writer.

I enjoyed this a lot I love how short is it, but it gets to the point. Everyone else has picked up on the grammar errors, so I can't really point you in the right direction there.
This is the type of story where telling and not showing can work. It's very much like a fairytale to begin with.

Well done

The one thing that bugged me though is the fact that you've called this a fable. A fable is a short story with talking animals as the characters, and it teaches a life lesson. So, technically, I don't think this can be called a fable. But other than that, it was great

~^~Xirenia~^~

Elinor Brynn wrote:____________________________________________________________________________________
Very long ago, in a faraway land, there was a princess. She was beautiful in every sense of the word; her large eyes were a pale aqua green, and her permission Is that even a type of hair? Probably is... ignore this if I'm just being stupid. hair, which fell in waves, was cut at her shoulders. Her skin was flawless and smooth, her figure toned and perfect.

One of the knights in the castle soon became interested in her beauty. He fell in love with the princess, and as it turned out, she was in love with him too. The knight wanted to marry her, but the King and Queen did not allow it. He was a lowborn, the son of a blacksmith, and thus not fit to marry the princess.

After this rejection, a clever idea began to form in the knight’s head.
“They say I am not rich enough,” he thought, “but that will change. Tomorrow I shall murder the king and queen. Then there will be no opposition to our marriage!”

And so it just turned out that there would be a banquet the following evening. The knight took this opportunity to buy some deadly poison. Before the banquet began, he snuck into the dining hall and put the poison in the glasses of the King and Queen.

And so the banquet came. The knight could not be in attendance, but he waited in the princess’ bedchamber, ready to tell her the news when she arrived.

It had all happened as planned. The King and Queen were dead, and the young princess was devastated. She went to her bedchamber, tears welling up in her eyes, so she could be alone. However, she was shocked to see the knight smiling and sitting on her bed.

“My dear child,” said the Knight, thinking it best to remain undercover for the moment, “what is wrong?”

“My parents have been poisoned,” she sobbed.

The Knight smiled and told her the whole story. “Don’t you see?” He concluded. “Now we can be together at last.” He tried the pull the princess close to kiss her, but she pushed him away.

“I shall never marry you,” she exclaimed. “Not when I know you have murdered two people very dear to me. You should have thought of how I would feel.”

It was then that the princess noticed the bottle of poison in the Knight’s hand. There was just enough. She took the bottle and forced the Knight to drink every last drop.

Wow, delightfully random!

I think it was good, nothing wrong with the writing so-to-speak, but the story itself... well, it really wasn't much of a story. Even your ordinary fairytale for children wouldn't be this short. Ha, but I guess you knew that!

Overall, it was enjoyable.

~Ash~

Hey Elinor!

I really like this, though I do agree with Jabbs. I wouldn't mind if it was a little bit longer. Maybe you could develop the princess and knight's character a bit more?

Besides that, it was delightful. I loved the appearance of a classic fairy tale at first and then the surprising climax.

Write on!
Lette

Hi Scarlett.

Thanks for this critique. However, this is from November and I've already moved on from this story. While I value your advice, this is really old, so I'm going to go ahead and lock it. Enjoy your day. ^_^

*locked*