The Rape Tunnel (3)

Part 2 can be read here.

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Well ... that's the end. Only 200 words over the limit. Not too bad.

Thoughts? Feel free to tear it into bloody shreds.

Hmm.

You tread a fine line between cop-out and greatness, haha. I think it's a really good short story, all told - probably your best, honestly. I really enjoyed it. The only thing that really startled me was the sudden increase in swearing in this piece. Which, I guess, is only to be expected with the rise in tension.

Also, does he -- you, the narrator -- not have a phone of his own? He asks for Emma's and Neil's but there's no mention of him having one, which I found a little odd.

I was so hoping someone would get raped in that tunnel. *sigh*

It does seem a tad off, that the whole 'rape' scenario is well in place before they even get to the tunnel, so the relevance is sort of...I dunno. Just makes me wonder why it's called the Rape Tunnel, why the door closed, and the lights went out? Semantics, really. Good stuff, buddy.

Haha, Sureal, that was great.

It did live up to expectations. Probably went over a little, too. I don't know what I was expecting, haha, but this delivered excellently.

I love how the revelation comes to the narrator (not sure what his name is?) Carlos putting something in her drink. It's subtle, nicely so, and at the end, your style of cliffhanging gives us a few conclusions to come to about what's going on behind the door. Brilliant work on that, Sureal; you concluded the story with not what we expected but with a sudden twist.

And all I have to say is that was flipping brilliance.

I'm really dying to read more of your stuff. That was fantastic; a favorite of mine, for sure.

- June

Wow. I was trying to figure out how you were going to pull off an ending to such a climactic suspense, but I certainly never saw this one coming. Great job with this. I love the character development. Can't wait to read more of your work!

Sophie

P.S. The cell phone thing got me too. Easy to fix though.

Sureal --

You tread a fine line between cop-out and greatness

I would agree with Jigs here. I'm ambivalent about the end -- it seems kind of irrelevant; the rest of the story wasn't really leading to it. Sure, there was expectation of a rape, but a rape within the tunnel. I suppose this ending is meant to be ironic, but still... still. It doesn't quite add up for me.

The rest I really enjoyed, though. The atmosphere and tension was superb, especially this bit:

Emma’s face is lit up blue-green by the phone’s screen. She looks ghostly. There is a vomit on her chin.

Super-duper imagery, dude.

This whole third section made me nervous. I felt like I was crawling through the tunnel with the characters. That is success.

(But of course. Who could honestly help falling in love with me?)

Didn't like this part. It seemed a bit too light-hearted for a guy who might be raped at any moment, know what I mean? Just a little much.

Overall, a happy-glad read. Some funnies and some scares, just the way I likes it. Also, your style is SO REFRESHING. There's nothing like a plate of simplicity for dinner.

Well done. I agree with Grain, you should post stuff more often. I was going to read that dream story of yours but then you deleted it. Bad.

(By the way, I commend you on writing a story that primarily deals with a group of characters moving from point A to point B. It seems to me that motion can be really hard to deal with sometimes; there are lots of transitions that have to be made, and they have to be performed without excessive repetition in the prose. So nice going.)

Prokaryote