Loneliness-really short please read!!!

Loneliness - 6.11.09

Like warm waves in mid afternoon
lapping gently on the empty seashore,

My heart feels love touch,

But not embrace,

Like how the still waters
weigh on the dark deep ocean floor...

I had a hard time reading this for some reason. I've been reading this since yesterday too.

Lapping gently on the empty seashore

removing "sea" from "seashore" makes it better in my opinion.

Love touch

I don't know if you meant "Love's touch" but I really had it weird when I read "my heart feels" then followed by "love touch".

but not embrace

i found it better if you use "but no embrace" but it's just my preference.

weighing on the dark deep ocean floor

the proper way is "deep, dark ocean floor"


Now for the overall evaluation:

How could I associate not being embraced with it being like

the still waters weighing on the deep, dark ocean floor

?

I'm really having a hard time with that. Please explain. I can understand the "Love's touch" is somewhat equal to "lapping gently on the empty seashore" but not the last lines at all.

Until an explanation is done, here's my rating so far: It's short but sweet. Could've been better if you were able to clearly illustrate the last part without actually having to explain to your reader.

So your poem is very short, but I am about to make it even shorter. Your lines do not flow well with so many breaks. I also suggest writing more to it, because I can neither find poetic lines, or a meaning in this at all.

Like warm waves In mid afternoon
Lapping gently on the empty seashore,
My heart feels Loves touch, But not embrace
Like the still waters Weighing on the dark deep ocean floor.

Like I said before, more lines and more meaning. this is more like an opening to a much larger poem. This does not have an ending or a beginning. be careful!
~Classy

Hello Wildfire. How do you do?

Your poem is very short, but I don't think that matters, does it? It's the quality that counts. Now, let's get to the poem.

wildfire wrote:Loneliness - 6.11.09

Like warm waves
In mid afternoon,
My heart feels
Love and touch.

^
Fixed grammatical errors in green
I really like this section, except I have two problems. Firstly, you say 'like', which more often then not, especially in the context that you are using it, means that it would be a simile. You're not comparing it to anything. What is like warm waves? Secondly, I just didn't like how the section was read. The transition was pretty choppy,
and the writing style and lack of grammar is not really conveying the soft and sweet tone of the words.

But not embrace.

Like the still waters
Weighing on the dark deep ocean floor
^
The second part of this poem definately follows the same trend as the beginning part. See my first paragraph.

Overall:
I througoly enjoyed your poem, but I felt it was lacking one thing; a message? What is the title supposed to mean? It consists of a bunch of pretty words abot the ocean, and I don't know how 'Lonliness' fits into the title. You might need room to convey these things effectively, so don't feel hesitant to make your poem longer.

PM me if you have questions.

Thank you guys for the response!!:)
Most of the confusion is probably because I haven't used punctuation at all, which I should have.

Anima -
I wasn't sure about removing the "sea" because for some reason I felt the reader would concentrate on the image of the shore rather than both the shore and the sea if I removed it. It's an irrational feeling I know:), but tell me what image would you get if I removed it?:)I agree it'd flow better.

By "love touch" I just meant that 'my heart feels love touch' it/me, just without the 'it'. Is that wrong grammar? It's not 'I feel his touch' but 'I feel him touch'. So 'love's touch' doesn't go there.. right?

If you got that then you get why I used 'but not embrace'. See, the whole poem is like one sentence. My heart feels love touch but not embrace. You get it?

The last part, yeah sorry about that, my grammar! It should go like this - ...but not embrace, like how the still waters weigh on the dark, deep ocean floor. It's supposed to show the reader how I want it to be(the embrace), not how it is(just the touch).

I hope it's clear now:):) So what do you think?

Captain -

I'm not sure about if there are poetic lines in it but I feel the meaning is there. I am expressing how loneliness feels to me. There's no story, there's no reason. It's just that loneliness is when you don't feel loved. I feel like love's just touching my heart but not embracing it and that's all that the poem is about. I have used 2 metaphors to show the reader how I feel. Would you mind explaining to me why you feel there's no meaning please?:)

The breaks, well, I used them to stress on things. Like 'but not embrace'. I wanted to give the words more power but I'm not sure if that's working:), though I definitely don't want to put them together like you did because like you said it sounds like just the beginning of a poem. I'll make some small changes now, so please let me know if you think this makes it flow better! Thank you:):)

Elinor -

You're also having a problem with the phrase "love touch"! Now I'm really wondering if it's a grammatical error! OK, so what I meant is this - My heart is only feeling love touch it- the way waves lap on the shore, but not feeling love embrace it- like how the still waters weigh(embrace) on the ocean floor. Do you see what I'm comparing the waves and the still waters to now?

Loneliness is when you don't feel loved. Even when with friends sometimes, you feel good but you also feel like something is missing, some sort of intimacy. I'm trying to show that feeling through those two metaphors here. So now that I've tried to explain it, do you still feel that there is no message? About it being choppy.. I'm not sure how to correct that. I'll make a few small changes now, please let me know if it works.
And also now that you know what I'm trying to convey, how do you think I can do it better? Thank you so much for your help!!:):)

Love you guys!!
wildfire

wow. you really love this poem.

hmmm...i'm sorry if i read it wrong. it makes much more sense now that you've explained it to us. maybe a little bit of spacing here and there should do the trick.

here's an advice though: make your works be understood without you having to explain anything.

remember: "It is what the writer writes which is immortal, not the writer"

Hmm. Your poem is better, but not that much better. We understand the "love touch" metaphor now, but you still didn't change it. I'd recommend doing that so future readers don't get confused when trying to read your poem (without looking at your explanation). However, I do like you changing it to add an ellipsis.

anima9 wrote:here's an advice though: make your works be understood without you having to explain anything.

remember: "It is what the writer writes which is immortal, not the writer"

.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

I do like this better, don't get me wrong, but if you are trying to grasp the feeling of loneliness, I don't think you're there yet... It still sounds like more of a beginning, and I think you should add some lines about being alone so we actually get what you're talking about!
I really think you should take this and do some thinking. Some of your lines are good, but I don't think they belong together. Go back and plan out what you are trying to say, and make sure they suggest loneliness! I read this over a few more times and I still don't get how it relates to what you say
Let me know if you make any further changes.
~Classy

I do believe that you've expressed your opinion/feelings and that is great. But it could still use some work. Maybe if you used more sentences...More detail. But hey, that's just me. Always room for improvement (I sound like a fortune cookie,I know, but just trust me)
♥Alexandra♥

I agree with others that the line "My heart feels love touch" is a bit awkward, and it should be chaged with some method above^ especially since those two lines, paired together can really evoke the feeling of loneliness that you're trying to summon in this poem.

wildfire wrote:My heart feels love touch,

But not embrace,

If you could change line one, that part would be absolutely beautiful.

wildfire wrote:Like how the still waters
weigh on the dark deep ocean floor...

I personally would say
deep, dark ocean floor.
But that's just me.
I'm sure everyone above me has said a different version of this same critique but.. oh well. Great job! Hope to see your poetry again.
keep writing,
empress